Heartache and Understanding
It was late afternoon and a thunderstorm was brewing outside. Dean could hear the thunder booming near the building. Lightening flashed and he could see the light flash in streaks behind the drapes. He kept the lights turned off and went and threw himself on his bed. He let the tears flow, his heart breaking.
There was a soft tap on the door a short while later.
Dean's voice was a soft whisper amongst the sounds of thunder that shook the building. “Yeah?”
"May Near come in?"
“Yeah, Near. Come on in.”
He came in, carrying a small tray. "L told Near that Dean was not feeling well. Near enjoys hot chocolate during weather like this and thought that maybe it might help Dean."
“Just set it on the table, Near. I'll be right there. Dean grabbed a tissue and blew his nose. He got off the bed and walked over to the table and sat down. “Thanks, Near. It's a bad day to not feel right.”
The white haired teenager handed him a cup of hot chocolate. He had added whipped cream and chocolate shavings to try to help cheer his friend up. Afterwards, he curled up beside Dean, sipping at his own cup.
Dean took a sip of the hot chocolate and licked sprinkles and whipped cream off his lips. “It's good. Thanks.”
"Dean is welcome," he murmured quietly.
It was dark in the room and both appeared more like shadows to each other. Every once in a while Near heard a sniffle or a light stuttering sob come from Dean's direction. He knew the man was crying.
Near set his cup down, then took Dean's and set it aside before crawling into the other's lap. He was not one for touching but knew having someone to hug might help.
Dean realized the sacrifice Near was making, and put his arms around him and gently held him. Near could feel him trembling and the soft sounds of crying could still be heard. It was almost as if the man was ashamed of being heard breaking inside.
Small hands gently wiped away the tears.
The small touch was all it took. Dean broke in two. The sobs came louder and his body shook hard.
The small touches continued, trying hard to comfort the other. This was not Near's forte, but the teen was trying very hard to help.
What the young teen could not understand was Dean felt as if he'd lost everything that mattered and could bring happiness to him. He was mourning what he felt he could never have. They were gone. Heaven knows where. Heaven really didn't like him right now. He didn't know how to stop the crying. It was like a broken dam.
He kept up with the comfort, holding him gently.
Dean held on for dear life to the young man, knowing he couldn't find comfort, but was so grateful for Near's closeness. He felt drained, listless, and pain continued. He cried.
Near did all he could. He really wasn't equipped for things like this but was trying his best to help Dean.
Watari and Sam had had a good talk and it had been beneficial for Sam. They were heading down the hall discussing supper when Matt approached.
“Near's been with Dean for a long time, Watari.”
Watari frowned. "Is everything all right?"
“I don't think so. L came in and took up one of the main frames to find some woman and her son who had moved and changed their names. Dean is devastated. I saw him go towards his room. You'd think someone had died. Near took hot chocolate well over an hour ago.”
Sam flinched. "Shit."
“Is this important, Sam? Do we need to help him?”
"It is important, but I'm not sure what to do. If L can find her...then it'd be a start for Dean."
“He loves this woman, I assume? The boy?”
Sam nodded. "I believe so."
“L must have touched something to bring it out of him. It must be a pretty raw spot? If so, we need to calm him down and give him time. Matt, get my medical kit and meet me at Dean's room. Sam? I am going to give him a pill I gave him the first night I met him. It has no drugs in it but it will help him sleep. Sleep heals and right now, he needs to gain control over his emotions.”
Another nod came from Sam as Matt ran to retrieve the kit. "As long as it helps calm him down."
“It will help him sleep and that's what he needs right now. Near is not capable of coping with intense emotions. I need to get him out of there. Dean needs you.”
He nodded again. "All right. Will Near be all right?"
“I believe so, but I want to avoid traumatizing him. I will send him to L right now. We need to take care of Dean and then I can take care of Near” They met Matt at Dean's door and opened it. The room was dark and they could hear the man crying. Watari went across the room and turned on the table lamp, adding light without blinding the room.
Near's eyes were huge as he kept hugging the other, trying so hard to comfort him. He really was uncomfortable and confused but wasn't showing it.
When Watari saw Near in the man's lap he realized that this was not Dean's fault nor was it Near's. Near had sought to comfort, not understanding what Dean was suffering. He reached in and removed Near from the hunter's lap. He took the med kit from Matt and motioned to him to remove Near. "He mouthed “L”
Sam knelt down in front of his brother. “Dean?” A red, blotchy face looked up at him.
“Sammy? Thank God. Someone take Near? am, L wouldn't really let it be. He got me upset, asking a lot of questions. I told him I had nothing to offer. I told him everything to make him stop, but he kept telling me I needed to do something. So I told him what I hadn't told anyone...not even you, Sammy. I've been looking for her for awhile, and I can't find her or Ben, Sam. She moved, changed their names. I've spent so much time being cussed out by her friends and family because they knew my name. They blame me because none of them knows where they are, Sam. No one. I feel sick.”
Watarie knelt down beside him. “Here, son. Take this.” He handed the older brother a pill and a glass of water. He drank the water down. “Let's help you lie down. I usually sleep well during storms. Do you? Sam?”
"Sometimes, yeah. When I was a kid, I didn't and Dean would tell stories and stuff to help me relax." He heard Near pad out, grateful that the boy had made sure that his brother wasn't alone.
They helped a confused Dean to slowly get up and go towards the bed. The hunter started to turn to try to throw himself when his younger brother picked him up and laid him down on the mattress. Watari started arranging blankets and pillows.
“It would be nice to have a brother who watches over you so protectively, Sam. You are blessed."
"I think I am," he said with a smile.
“Yes, Sam, I believe you do think so. Sometimes listening to the thunder, the winds, and the pouring rain is like a hearing a symphony. You should never have to listen to it alone. You need someone close to you when you hear it. Sharing it with someone you love and who loves you is essential to experiencing the symphony.”
“Watari? I'm so sorry about Near. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was laying down when he came in with the hot chocolate...just trying to make me feel better, and I scared the hell out of him. Too much loss....too many times. This time, it was more then I could deal with. It was like I'd lost everyone all over again. Everyone. He climbed into my lap...and it was like …. I'd had Ben there for a moment. Not fair to Near. It just broke the dam. I'm so sorry.”
The older male gently stroked Dean's hair. "No harm done, L will sort Near out, never you fear. He volunteered to comfort you because he cares in his own little way. He'll be all right."
Dean tried to just nod and regain control, but he'd already reached his breaking point. He was shaking and struggling to stop.“I love Near, too. I'm afraid to love anyone any more. I just know it, Watari....I'll lose them all. Sammy...Bobby....Near. They always die or they go away. Always.”
Sam's voice was quiet. "I'm not going anywhere, Dean."
“You will, Sam. You already have...several times. It will just be one more. I'm supposed to be alone, I guess. Don't like it.”
"What will it take to prove to you I'm not going anywhere?"
“I don't know, Sammy. Don't know anymore. I'm always alone, even when there's someone here. I just got to learn how to be alone. Don't wanna. Please. I don't wanna.”
"Well, you don't have to because you are stuck with me," he said.
“God, I wish you meant that cause I don't wanna lose you again. Not again.”
"I do."
Another flash of light could be glimpsed through the drapes. Thunder crashed and shook the building again. Dean winced but said nothing. Sam sat on the side of the bed and removed his tennis shoes. “What are you doing, Sam?”, the hunters voice was getting more hoarse from all the crying. He was still shaking.
Sam looked at Watari as took off his outer shirt, and smiled at the older man.
"The medicine should kick in soon enough. Both of you rest well." He smiled at the two.
“Sam? What are you doing? You needed medicine too?
“I'm helping my brother fight his storms.”
Watari gently brushed Dean's hair back off of his face. "Sleep well, you two." With that, he headed for L's area, knowing that Near would need reassuring. The medicine he'd given Dean should kick in soon enough.
Sam reached over and turned off the lamp, pulling his brother close to him and holding gently. Dean had stiffened for a moment and, then he just slumped, letting go of himself and letting the younger man comfort him.
He spoke a statement very softly. No question of disbelief, just a fact he finally realized. “You're not leaving or going anywhere.” He sighed and his breathing slowed and grew less erratic.
Sam smiled. Dean had finally gotten it.
Soon the younger Winchester could feel the steady breathing of his big brother when he slept. He relaxed then, knowing he had him safe and protected.
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