Dean...Dealing
He helped him to his feet and a few moments later, Watari popped his head in with a smile. "Sam, you may have today to relax. Dean, L is waiting for you in the gardens."
“Watari? Which gardens?”
"I kicked him outside for the moment. He needs sunshine as do you."
“Thank you, Sir.” Dean smiled at his brother. “Oh, Sam? They got a fabulous library on Two.” Dean headed out his door towards the elevators. When he reached the rear outside door, he took a deep breath. The sessions were not getting easier. The digging was deeper. Ah, well, he thought. Dad always told us 'no pain, no gain.' He started walking the extensive gardens looking for L.
L was perched in a chair, shaded a bit by a cherry tree.
Dean noted the chairs with pleasure. No bench without a back to support his shoulder. He sat down next to L. “ Where are we headed today?”
"I want to take the time and let you review what you've confronted so far and how you feel you're coming, what you think needs more work."
“I've dealt with my Mom's death, having no childhood, Sam not liking me being both parents when he wanted a brother, Ruby, and Sam's powers to a point. My life, what little I had of it, when raising Sam, until he went off to Stanford, is something I'm not sure I can deal with totally, L. There are things I've told no one. It can't come out. Dad found out. He sent Sam off to Bobby for a while. Can't talk about it, because I'd have to tell Sam.”
“There's stuff I haven't really dealt with but it's not as serious as that time was.”
L's dark eyes looked at Dean. "Anything that is a concern to you, a problem in the past, must come out and be dealt with. This habit of hiding problems is not healthy."
“Look L, Dad nearly killed me because of it. Took Sam away. This would finish driving him away. You wouldn't want me here either....certainly not around the boys...Near. I didn't have a life, L. Not growing up. But there was hell. Okay?”
"I know the type of man you are, Dean Winchester. So do not hide it..at least from me and yourself."
You're gonna turn around and tell me I have to tell Sam. He's got to know. Or make me feel guilty enough to do it on my own.”
"That will all be your decision but you must tell someone."
Dean was shaking very hard. His voice started trembling as he started to talk. “I was around 15-16 years old. Had a lot of girls and women trying to catch my notice. Dad said more and more that I was too pretty to be a boy. I looked too much like my mom. I thought he was nuts again. “
“He started staying gone longer and longer Winter was coming on. We were in school. He'd left all the information and stuff so I could get us enrolled. He was only supposed to be gone two weeks. When week five hit, I needed money real bad. The motel was ready to evict us. Sam needed a coat. There was the materials he needed for a Science fair. He needed twenty for a field trip. We had some dry cereal and nothing else to eat in the place. I fed Sam and headed down to the local pool hall and bar. I can really play pool. I never lose.”
“I was surprised they let me in. I had a fake id saying I was 21. They let me in with that. I started playing at eight and at midnight, I knew I had to get back to Sam. Dad would be furious, but we needed the money. I cleared fifteen hundred dollars. I started walking back to the motel, and these guys jumped me. They forced me behind some cars.”
Dean got up and walked off, sobs wrenching his body, making retching sounds.
L waited until he returned, handing him a water bottle to help calm his stomach down.
Dean drank the water slowly, saying nothing. Finally, “I thought they wanted the money back. They didn't. Just said playing pool was too easy, and I had to earn it. Damn it, L! I can't do this.”
"Yes, you can. You need to share this with someone, and I will not judge."
“They forced me to my knees. One guy stood behind me and held me. The first one, he unzipped himself. The guy behind me stuck his thumbs into the corners of my mouth and forced it open. They all five..they...made me take them...swallow it.”
Dean drank some more water. “They said to come back the next week same time and play pool. If I didn't, they knew about Sam. I couldn't call for help. What could I tell Pastor Jim or Bobby? I kept going back, doing what they wanted. That's when Dad came home one evening. I wasn't there. But it was different that night. It was worse.”
“We didn't play pool. I got there at 8. One of them grabbed me and they took me upstairs. Dad came an hour later. The bartender panicked when he told him who he was and how old I was. Said I was upstairs.”
“Please," Dean sobbed.
L nodded. "You know that you really did have no choice in some ways. Bobby and this Pastor Jim were too far away. Your father is the one responsible for it. He had no excuse for these absences."
“They were vicious, L. I was bleeding. They'd beaten me, raped, and they were putting $100 bills on the bed when Dad walked in. He called me a f'ing whore, grabbed my stuff and walked out. He left me there!”
His eyes narrowed. "You are aware that you are nothing of the sort?"
“I used the money, L. But it was for Sam. I was Mom and Dad to him. Had to protect him, provide for him....oh god!”
“I wrapped myself in a blanket and walked barefooted back to the motel. It was so cold. They were gone. Dad had packed up Sam and took him to Bobby's. I didn't know that. I almost killed myself that night, but I couldn't leave Sam like that.”
“They'd beaten me and all the other stuff. I stayed in that motel room for a week til Dad came back. I was still huddled on a bed in that blanket. He nearly killed me, he beat me so bad. He used the scrub brush in the kitchen and washed my mouth with it and dish soap. Did the same thing elsewhere with that damn brush and soap. I started bleeding again. He kept telling me I was worthless and he couldn't trust me. That's when Sam started training.”
“Now you tell me how do I tell Sam that story, and that it's my fault he became a hunter.”
“He told me he didn't want me as mom and dad and never did. I had that happen because I was.”
L leaned forward. "First of all, Samuel would have been a hunter regardless of what happened. This was simply an excuse for him to do it."
Dean was shaking horribly by this point, his face white. “He told me over and over to have Sam's back because I put him there.”
"He lied. He put him there, not you. From the moment he stepped onto the path of vengeance and hunting, your father was determined to bring you two along with him."
“I started sleeping with any woman who even smiled at me. I think to hide the pain, but trying to prove I'm not like that. Dad didn't care. I was a whore. I told him I wasn't getting paid by these women. They liked me. He just laughed. He told me as long as I stayed with him and hunted no one would be told. Pastor Jim, Bobby, and, oh god, Sammy, wouldn't know. He hated me. He hated me.”
Dean started sobbing, repeating the phrase over and over.
"Dean, your father hated himself and everyone around him because he could not deal with the loss of his wife. His inability to cope affected you and Samuel.
You are not to blame. Do you understand?"
“I told you what I did, L. I should have gotten Sammy out of there. I shouldn't have cared what Pastor Jim or Bobby thought. Then I wouldn't have been a whore. But, I didn't. I stayed, I did it, I used the money for Sammy.”
"You were raised to be your father's soldier. He told you to stay put, so you stayed. That type of loyalty is commendable, if a bit foolish because it can be misused as it was."
“I had this neatly buried away, L, now what the hell do I do with it?” Dean jumped up as best he could and started running down the path, and disappeared into some trees.”
L went strolling after him, catching up a short time later. "You did not have this buried neatly away. This is affecting you every moment of the day. It is why you approached it today. You could no longer deal with it.
Dean was sitting against a tree in the underbrush, wrapped into as much of a ball as sitting with his bandaged side would allow.
“Nothing can change what it is, L. I'm dirty. I always will be. I can't clean it away. I'll never be able to keep a serious relationship without trying to destroy it. I'm not worth one.”
"This is why you need to face it. You defeat yourself at every turn because you let that man beat you. The man who should have protected you and did not."
“How do I face it? I let him beat me? How did I let him beat me?”
"You believe his words in regards to being dirty and a whore when you were not. He put you in a dangerous position and instead of being a father about it, he retreated and lashed out because he didn't know what to do."
“But he's my Dad! I'm supposed to believe what he said. I trusted him! How did I let him beat me? I was supposed to trust him.”
"Because you let these horrible words sink in and believed them as truth...when you reached adulthood, you should have realized he was wrong. However, you're not fully at fault because you were so indoctrinated. The question remains..will you continue to let him win?"
“H..h..how do I ssstop him?”
He crouched in front of him. "You have to affirm to yourself daily that you are not a whore, that none of it was your fault, and that you are a worthy person."
“Affirm it? To myself? So, when someone looks at me in ways they shouldn't, it's not my fault. It's not. Okay. It's not.”
"This is a long process, Dean, but it will take root. You have to be determined on this."
“Okay. I'm not a whore. It's not my fault. I am worthy.”
L nodded. "You keep this up..remember this is his fault If there is an afterlife, he has much to atone for. If it's reincarnation, he is in deep trouble."
“I'm not a whore. Okay. I'm not. It's not my fault. Are we through, L?”
"One question..this has affected you for a very long time but I will not demand you repeat this. May I have your permission to show this to your brother? It explains a great deal about your past behaviors...and he deserves to know what your father did."
“Sammy? Oh, dear god. Sammy. I..I..whatever you think will help. Oh, god. Sammy.”
Dean pulled himself up off the ground by grabbing a branch with his left hand.
“He's gonna want to tell me how sorry he is. There's no way in hell he could know what it's like, so how can he be sorry? He doesn't say that to me. Understand. If he has to talk about it, and he will, he doesn't tell me he's sorry. I swear I won't be responsible if he does.”
"I will tell him to withhold apologies but it will be a natural reaction, Dean."
“There's nothing natural about this, L. Okay, whatever. It doesn't matter, anyway. He'll never be able to understand. No one can understand. I'm not a whore. Gotta remember that.” Dean walked off towards the entrance.
L followed him. "I can have him watch it when you're with someone else so you do not have to relive it."
Dean stopped and looked at him. “What do you think I should do? Honestly. Be with him?”
"I would not blame you for not wanting to see it."
“That's not what I asked. I don't want a way out if you think I need to see it with him. I want to do what will heal. Just tell me.”
"He might need you there because of guilt."
“When?”
"As soon as possible honestly...you both need each other to get through this. Same issue..this is not your fault."
“This is the first time since I've started this that I want to get drunk, so let's get this over with, cause there's no alcohol and Sam isn't gonna like me like this.”
No comments:
Post a Comment