Dean Continues to Deal
“The sleeping issues started mainly because I got my memory back about what happened in hell. I couldn't sleep because of the nightmares. If I was drunk, if I did dream, I didn't remember it. I finally couldn't lie to Sam and he'd been after me, so I told him everything. It was after that, that things worsened between us. He didn't think I was the same man. I can't go to a shrink and tell him I can't sleep because of the things I did in hell.” Dean laughed. I don't want to be an alcoholic, but I have always drunk a lot.
The sex covered the needs I had that hurt so bad. It was a little pleasure, a one night stand. Every time I got involved, they didn't want more because of what I was. I'm not good husband material. Hell, I didn't tell you. I think I got a kid, and I want to be his Dad.
There's not as much tightness in my chest right now. I'm so tired. I feel like a ton of bricks have been unloaded. There won't be any more crying fits like what happened, will there? Am I gonna do this over everything in my life I haven't dealt with? Mom, Dad, and Sam have torn me to shreds today.”
"There is a doctor I use for both the orphanage and for L. I can fly her in to meet with you every so often to help you. Physicals plus something to help you sleep. And yes, it's possible you will have more crying bouts until those wounds heal."
“More like this? I don't know if I can deal with this now. That almost killed me, and if Sam sees me like this, he'll think I've broken completely and it will make him want to do what he's doing even more. It'll give Ruby more control over him, and how the hell do I help Mello who already thinks I'm a 'wuss'?
Thinking on these things, Dean felt more inside him wanting to come out. He'd started a volcano effect inside of himself and it was determined to release all of the lava. Tears started welling inside. The young man turned away from Watari. “Damn it! Not right now. Not again this soon.” His shoulders started to shake, as he shook his head, trying to stop the flood.
Watari hugged him. "Better here with me than inside, Dean. This way you can keep your show of strength. I'm honored you trust me enough to relax your defenses. If you need a time to cry, do it away from Sam until you know you can trust him again. "
Dean turned towards Watari and his head went against the man's shoulder and he quietly wept this time, his body shaking badly. He was extremely tense, not wanting a second bout this soon.
The older man simply let him cry, loaning him his strength. His hands continued to stroke his back in a soothing manner. Dean felt the touch and wanted to just lean into it but felt his knees giving out, so he tensed more, stiffening the knees. He had no intention of going down again. Not now.
"It's all right," he murmured.
“Tell me what the hell's all right. I can't stop crying. Damn it!”
"And it's natural, Dean. You have years of pain to let go of. There's no weakness here, despite what you may have been told. Tears are the body's method of healing the heart and soul."
“What do I do if it has bad timing, Watari? I don't have any control over it like I used to have. I let the dam burst and I can't stop when it wants to flood over.”
"You understand mechanics right? What happens when you put too much pressure in a pipe with no outlet to release?"
“The pipe is gonna blow somewhere and you can't stop it.”
"Exactly. You've been a pipe with no release valve for over thirty years. What we're doing now is letting the excess pressure out. Once it's settled, you have the choice of letting the release valve open to let the pressure out. It's your choice as to when. But you have to let it out every so often."
“It's hard. I've had it ingrained in me that I can't do that. Ridicule from the one person you live in awe of and want to be like is really degrading. You train yourself to never let it out...to show no weakness no matter how weak you realize you are. You do your job and you do it right. You don't want to see the disappointment and feel the shame. How do I get rid of that because I have to do that to win over this. You are the wisest man I've ever met, Watari. This is hard, but I'm asking for help.”
His eyes were gentle but full of pride. "You have it, Dean. If you can trust L as well, he could help too. He's also trained a bit in psychology. However, either way, you have my help whenever you need it. I'll give you my contact information and can meet up with you should you need it down the road."
“I'll share contact information with you, Watari, cause I can't add to Sam's problems right now. I don't know how to approach L about something like this. He's not like you. He makes a great L but I haven't seen what I see in you. The shrink part might help , but hell, I can't ask him. I really don't know how to do it and not feel like I would if I tried to tell Sam or my Dad. You're like Bobby, only a little more tender in ways.”
"Phone, I'll add my numbers then." He playfully ruffled Dean's hair in a motion much like a grandfather would do a grandson.
The black phone was passed to the older man, as Dean backed away a small space, and stretched his head back, trying to unkink muscles that had badly knotted during the time he was tensing up. His face was streaked worse then before. There would be no doubt what he had been doing. He didn't seem to realize it at this time that it was worse than earlier, though. He was quiet, staring at the clouds as he leaned his head back, rotating his shoulders.
A list of numbers had been put into the phone. "The last number is a land line, leads directly to the orphanage. This is an emergency number only, okay?"
Dean nodded, speaking softly, “Yes, Sir. You'll answer.” It was spoken as a statement of fact and a reassurance to the young man. Watari wondered who in his life had not answered a call for help.
"For the orphanage, Roger will answer and send the call directly to me. Someone will answer, I promise you that."
Again, came the soft whisper of a fact and statement of reassurance to himself, “I know that.” Watari understood then that Dean was taking comfort that he knew there would be an answer here. Somewhere else, though, someone hadn't answered, and it was a pain he had not dealt with yet.
"I don't let my boys down if I can help it," he murmured. Watari had an idea and would work on it when he got back.
He heard Dean stifle a soft sob, and whisper softly, “I didn't think you would, Sir.”
The old man hugged him. "You're one of my kids now. The boys in there can tell you what that means."
“Ill ask Near. He would understand to a point..not the emotions but that's all right. Not sure about Matt and Mello yet.” Dean hugged him back.
"Near is a good source of information."
“Yes, I know, and we're friends. I trust him.”
"He's a good one to trust," he answered. "Come, you're probably thirsty after this bout."
“Yeah, my throat feels hoarse and pretty raw right now. Cas should be back. I wonder why he hasn't come here?”
"My boys probably distracted him," he laughed. "They know if I'm talking with someone to not let anyone interrupt because it's almost always important."
Dean stopped dead center of the trail and turned towards Watari, a look of awe on his face. “This really was important to you? I'm grateful so much, but why?”
"I don't mean this to sound condescending, Dean, all right? I've never been one to walk away from a hurting child." His voice was gentle.
Dean searched the older man's face and his eyes, looking for truth in his life, and he found it there. Understanding flooded his eyes. He swallowed hard on another sob and turned back to the trail.
The older man fell into step beside him, a comforting presence.
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