Dean Finally Faces the Truth
Dean looked over at Bobby and Watari and nodded at both. The boys had headed back to the media room. He turned and walked towards Ryuzaki, the doctor, and Sam.
“If you wouldn’t mind grabbing a chair and coming to my office, I’d appreciate it. I have two extra chairs in there and I’d like to talk to all of you.”
Ryuzaki frowned a bit, then nodded, rising and standing in his usual slumped over position. Once he'd gotten the doctor to shut up about his diet and posture, the man had been somewhat tolerable to converse with.
The hunter’s usual stride took off towards the door to his wing and he left it open for the others, going through the entrance room and into the living room. He paused, looking at the room and smiled, liking what Lisa had done as far as wood selection. He could hear the others coming, so he picked up his pace and walked down the hallway to his office. He opened the door, switching on a light that turned the light behind his chair on . He went and sat down, feeling weary. He laid his head back, eyes closed, and waited. He was not looking forward to this. Bobby’s actions earlier bothered him.
The group settled in chairs with Ryuuzaki taking his usual abnormal pose in one near a corner.
Dean sat up, his hazel eyes making contact which each person. Ryuzaki’s eyes gleamed, Sam’s showed concern, and the Doctor’s showed curiosity. He looked at Bobby’s and could tell the man wasn’t certain on what he was going to do. That hurt. He closed his eyes for a second and met Watari’s. There, he found compassion and he sat up straight, ready to talk.
The men waited, wondering what it was the older Winchester had to say.
“I’ve not been very honest with everyone. I’ve been having problems for months. I’m tired. I don’t sleep well. I can’t eat what I want. It’s not a just warning on it any more. It makes me sick. I’m letting things bother me, and they shouldn’t. I thought once we changed jobs, it would be easy. My job I know, but this is different. I’m having trouble coping. I’ve spent my whole life running from things, avoiding relationships. Hell, I don’t know how”
"I had a problem this weekend with Lisa and Sarah. I got pretty upset. I don’t think it was all my fault, but I’m working on correcting it. Thing is I did something really stupid. I stopped at an authentic Mexican restaurant on the way home and I ate hot and spicy. I didn’t listen to anyone. Not even myself. I knew better. I got so sick from it, I was on the ground in pain and the acid and burning was bad.
Today, I pushed again. I tired myself out, big time. Everyone got upset again. I got the schedule. I know what I’m supposed to do every day. We’re not always doing the schedule and I get caught up and I just want to do like I used to do. I don’t understand why things have to be different. I have asked Doc to find out why they said things had to change. What is making me this way. I was stupid...a fool. I should never have pulled into that restaurant. I’m sorry.
The words had come rushing out as if the young man was afraid that if he paused someone would say something and he’d never be able to finish.
Bobby spoke before Sam could. "Dean...we've been waiting for you to talk to us about this. We didn't know how to confront you on it and not make it look like we were ganging up on you, son. We need to know what you need to help. The schedule is there, yes, but what else?"
“I don’t want people trying to change me. I’m me, Bobby. I’m who my Dad taught me to be. I raised me just like I raised Sam. I might act stupid or goofy sometimes. I will make mistakes, but trying to change me and make what I’m not makes me tense and angry. Just let me be me. There’s a lot I gotta deal with right now. The business is taking off, but I have school online and the diesel school. I’m trying to follow the schedule, but I’m tired. I just need home to be home...not some place I’m gonna spend time being griped at. Please?”
"You're running yourself into the damn ground, son. We can't let you do that when we can help you," he told him, face and voice showing that he obviously cared and was deeply concerned about what was going on. "We're not trying to change you..just help."
The pain in Dean’s voice could be heard, “Damn it, Bobby. I’m not talking about the schedule. I haven’t had it that long, so give me time with it. Help with it. I’m talking about making me something I’m not. First off, I’m not a damn Campbell! I’m gonna read about my heritage so I can talk to Sarah, but a kilt is still a damn skirt! Making me feel like I’m the bad guy because I didn’t like something about my family is not fair. I’m having to give in and do what everybody wants. No one...I mean no one stopped what happened. The only thing done to bring peace is coming from me.. You tell me how that’s not trying to change me? I needed someone to care that it hurt me. I hate that it happened, but I ought to have the right feel that way. I ate the damn Mexican food because it cheered me up...made me feel better. All my life food , alcohol, and sex were the only things that felt good. I didn’t feel good at all. I got engaged and paid Hell for it. Okay? I just wanted ....hell, it doesn’t matter does it? Sarah and Lisa are right. You’ve all told me that I don’t know how to do this.”
Ryuuzaki broke the silence. "I believe the family does not know how to handle Dean anymore," he pointed out. Dean insists on not being changed, not having people hovering over Dean's shoulder, and then requests that someone needed to stop Dean from making these mistakes?" He paused for a moment, shifting his speech slightly. "Dean, you are making demands that are confusing your family a great deal. They can do one thing and become attacked for it. I understand a lot of this is stress, but you need to talk to them about what you need without hiding behind the usual bravado that you used to use around Watari and me. You need to meet with them, tell them what you want and need, and then allow them to adjust. However, the plans cannot change if you suddenly decide you are being too constricted." He turned dark eyes to Sam and Bobby. "Likewise, you and the others need to be willing to adjust without the group setting that met him when he returned today from the physician's office. He will tell you w hat's going on when he's ready."
“Damn it, Ryu. That’s not what I mean. I know as far as my life goes, I got to make changes. We’re trying this new schedule. I'm willing to go with it. I’m trying to watch what I eat. Sometimes I get so caught up in things I forget to eat. Sam and Bobby are gonna help when I’m at work. That’s not it. When I talk about change, it’s about telling me what I can think, feel, and act. Do I have a right to still be me? I tried to explain how I felt about things. I can’t cause problems because I don’t wanna lose Sam. I could...real easy. I can’t do that, Ryu. He’s my brother. I just want the right to joke, to make comments that never bothered anyone before. Suddenly everything I do isn’t good enough. If I say anything, I’m a bad person who hurt someone else. Why doesn’t it matter if what they say hurts me? I want help with things. I’ve asked for it. But I want the right to believe my beliefs and be who I am. Why is it a contradiction if I ask for help to get well, but I’m wrong if I want to believe what I want to believe? Cause some of what you said sounds exactly like Lisa and Sara. I have to believe what they want to get help? Cause that’s what I’m hearing, and I’m not understanding. I made the mistake of being open about what I felt and I was condemned for it. I’m having to change to make things right. No one else is. Why?”
Sam sighed. "They were wrong to do that but Dean, sometimes when you're joking or arguing about something, you don't take time to think on how others may feel about it. You just tend to open mouth and insert foot. That's when it gets ugly. I'm used to it," he said with a wry smile. "Lisa and Sarah aren't. You're going to have to give them time."
Dean gave his brother a smile that never reached the hazel eyes. He nodded. “Okay. I change. Lisa told me one night that she didn’t want to stop that. She wanted me to be me. Anyway, Doc, I’ll see you on Wednesday. Thanks for listening. I think I’ll go for a walk, and then head to bed. “ Dean headed for the door.
Watari grabbed him, pushing him back into his chair. "That was not what was said, Dean. Slow down and think," he told him. "No one is asking for you to change...just to slow down and give the ladies time to get to know you. Lisa is aware that you are rough around the edges. Sarah is not. Humans need time to adapt."
Dean stared up at the older man standing over him. “Tell me how she gets to know me if I have to slow down, not be who I am, and give her time to adapt? She’s been around me as I am for about nine months. This crap just started, Watari. It’s brand new. I’m not different. How long does it take for someone to adapt? She can’t adapt if I’m not me. That’s why I said I’d change. We can’t have it both ways here. She adapts to who I am and I’m me. She gets what she wants and I have to adapt to her which require big changes on my part. I don’t see how she can adapt if I’m not the me she’s known for over nine months. I’d like to see it. How?”
He ruffled Dean's hair for a moment. "I'm not saying not to be yourself. Just practice some restraint..be cognizant of issues she finds important and not make your typical teasing remarks on those but do so on things that are funny and open to be teased about. Sam can help you with that."
Dean stared into the older man’s eyes. “I’m gonna be walking on egg shells” He paused, looked at the others in the room. and turned towards his brother. “Okay. Sam? I need a list of dos and don’ts . What’s taboo? I gather I can’t discuss family because I don’t like most of them. Got my reasons but she won’t understand that. Religion is definitely off limits. I thought that my liking to do woodwork would make a dent, but I don’t know. Just tell me, what can I say in front of her?”
"No you're not," Watari told him. "You're looking at this the wrong way. I'm trying to help here," he said.
“And I’m trying to take your advice. I don’t know what the hell is important to her besides family, heritage, and religion. I don’t know. I’m asking my brother, who is marrying her, to help me here. I do feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I don’t want anymore of what happened this weekend.”
"Her art," Sam piped up. "She loves to read as well and nature. That's a good start."
Dean looked dumbfounded. “Okay...so I can’t joke or tease about family, heritage, religion, art, reading, and nature? Whoa. Okay. I can do that. I think.”
"Actually, teasing about reading, nature, and art would be a good way to start working with her and getting to know her. She's got a funny sense of humor about those things and appreciates it when something funny is brought to her attention on those three. It means she's got someone willing to talk to her about them if they know enough to joke about it," he told him.
“Okay. I’m gonna blow it. I know I will, but I’m gonna try, Sammy. It’s all I can do.”
"That's all you can do."
“Yeah. I guess so. I’m tired. Can I go for my walk now? Or am I going to have to talk about having sessions again?”
"I'm willing to work with you when you have time," Watari said. "Just relax for now and enjoy your walk."
