Supernatural Death Note Chapter 71

Authors: Lady Laran and Tisha Wyman Warnings: Bad language, violence, and some sex. Spoilers: My favorite show is Supernatural. Anyone who knows me will say I am almost obsessed, unless they happen to be Laran, who knows I am. Laran loves Death Note. We both love to write. Never in our wildest dreams did we ever think we'd be writing an alternate universe/crossover between the two. What started as a several chapter story has turned into a novel The story had a life of its own. This saga begins towards the end of season 4 and before L truly got involved with the Death Note. This is a story of healing, family,friendship, humor, and horror. We do not own either show or its characters, but I'd take Dean in a heartbeat. We make no money from them. Thank you for reading. Comments are highly appreciated.

Heartache and Understanding

It was late afternoon and a thunderstorm was brewing outside. Dean could hear the thunder booming near the building. Lightening flashed and he could see the light flash in streaks behind the drapes. He kept the lights turned off and went and threw himself on his bed. He let the tears flow, his heart breaking.

There was a soft tap on the door a short while later.

Dean's voice was a soft whisper amongst the sounds of thunder that shook the building. “Yeah?”

"May Near come in?"

“Yeah, Near. Come on in.”

He came in, carrying a small tray. "L told Near that Dean was not feeling well. Near enjoys hot chocolate during weather like this and thought that maybe it might help Dean."

“Just set it on the table, Near. I'll be right there. Dean grabbed a tissue and blew his nose. He got off the bed and walked over to the table and sat down. “Thanks, Near. It's a bad day to not feel right.”

The white haired teenager handed him a cup of hot chocolate. He had added whipped cream and chocolate shavings to try to help cheer his friend up. Afterwards, he curled up beside Dean, sipping at his own cup.

Dean took a sip of the hot chocolate and licked sprinkles and whipped cream off his lips. “It's good. Thanks.”

"Dean is welcome," he murmured quietly.

It was dark in the room and both appeared more like shadows to each other. Every once in a while Near heard a sniffle or a light stuttering sob come from Dean's direction. He knew the man was crying.

Near set his cup down, then took Dean's and set it aside before crawling into the other's lap. He was not one for touching but knew having someone to hug might help.

Dean realized the sacrifice Near was making, and put his arms around him and gently held him. Near could feel him trembling and the soft sounds of crying could still be heard. It was almost as if the man was ashamed of being heard breaking inside.

Small hands gently wiped away the tears.

The small touch was all it took. Dean broke in two. The sobs came louder and his body shook hard.

The small touches continued, trying hard to comfort the other. This was not Near's forte, but the teen was trying very hard to help.

What the young teen could not understand was Dean felt as if he'd lost everything that mattered and could bring happiness to him. He was mourning what he felt he could never have. They were gone. Heaven knows where. Heaven really didn't like him right now. He didn't know how to stop the crying. It was like a broken dam.

He kept up with the comfort, holding him gently.

Dean held on for dear life to the young man, knowing he couldn't find comfort, but was so grateful for Near's closeness. He felt drained, listless, and pain continued. He cried.

Near did all he could. He really wasn't equipped for things like this but was trying his best to help Dean.

Watari and Sam had had a good talk and it had been beneficial for Sam. They were heading down the hall discussing supper when Matt approached.

“Near's been with Dean for a long time, Watari.”

Watari frowned. "Is everything all right?"

“I don't think so. L came in and took up one of the main frames to find some woman and her son who had moved and changed their names. Dean is devastated. I saw him go towards his room. You'd think someone had died. Near took hot chocolate well over an hour ago.”

Sam flinched. "Shit."

“Is this important, Sam? Do we need to help him?”

"It is important, but I'm not sure what to do. If L can find her...then it'd be a start for Dean."

“He loves this woman, I assume? The boy?”

Sam nodded. "I believe so."

“L must have touched something to bring it out of him. It must be a pretty raw spot? If so, we need to calm him down and give him time. Matt, get my medical kit and meet me at Dean's room. Sam? I am going to give him a pill I gave him the first night I met him. It has no drugs in it but it will help him sleep. Sleep heals and right now, he needs to gain control over his emotions.”

Another nod came from Sam as Matt ran to retrieve the kit. "As long as it helps calm him down."

“It will help him sleep and that's what he needs right now. Near is not capable of coping with intense emotions. I need to get him out of there. Dean needs you.”

He nodded again. "All right. Will Near be all right?"

“I believe so, but I want to avoid traumatizing him. I will send him to L right now. We need to take care of Dean and then I can take care of Near” They met Matt at Dean's door and opened it. The room was dark and they could hear the man crying. Watari went across the room and turned on the table lamp, adding light without blinding the room.

Near's eyes were huge as he kept hugging the other, trying so hard to comfort him. He really was uncomfortable and confused but wasn't showing it.

When Watari saw Near in the man's lap he realized that this was not Dean's fault nor was it Near's. Near had sought to comfort, not understanding what Dean was suffering. He reached in and removed Near from the hunter's lap. He took the med kit from Matt and motioned to him to remove Near. "He mouthed “L”

Sam knelt down in front of his brother. “Dean?” A red, blotchy face looked up at him.

“Sammy? Thank God. Someone take Near? am, L wouldn't really let it be. He got me upset, asking a lot of questions. I told him I had nothing to offer. I told him everything to make him stop, but he kept telling me I needed to do something. So I told him what I hadn't told anyone...not even you, Sammy. I've been looking for her for awhile, and I can't find her or Ben, Sam. She moved, changed their names. I've spent so much time being cussed out by her friends and family because they knew my name. They blame me because none of them knows where they are, Sam. No one. I feel sick.”

Watarie knelt down beside him. “Here, son. Take this.” He handed the older brother a pill and a glass of water. He drank the water down. “Let's help you lie down. I usually sleep well during storms. Do you? Sam?”

"Sometimes, yeah. When I was a kid, I didn't and Dean would tell stories and stuff to help me relax." He heard Near pad out, grateful that the boy had made sure that his brother wasn't alone.

They helped a confused Dean to slowly get up and go towards the bed. The hunter started to turn to try to throw himself when his younger brother picked him up and laid him down on the mattress. Watari started arranging blankets and pillows.

“It would be nice to have a brother who watches over you so protectively, Sam. You are blessed."

"I think I am," he said with a smile.

“Yes, Sam, I believe you do think so. Sometimes listening to the thunder, the winds, and the pouring rain is like a hearing a symphony. You should never have to listen to it alone. You need someone close to you when you hear it. Sharing it with someone you love and who loves you is essential to experiencing the symphony.”

“Watari? I'm so sorry about Near. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was laying down when he came in with the hot chocolate...just trying to make me feel better, and I scared the hell out of him. Too much loss....too many times. This time, it was more then I could deal with. It was like I'd lost everyone all over again. Everyone. He climbed into my lap...and it was like …. I'd had Ben there for a moment. Not fair to Near. It just broke the dam. I'm so sorry.”

The older male gently stroked Dean's hair. "No harm done, L will sort Near out, never you fear. He volunteered to comfort you because he cares in his own little way. He'll be all right."

Dean tried to just nod and regain control, but he'd already reached his breaking point. He was shaking and struggling to stop.“I love Near, too. I'm afraid to love anyone any more. I just know it, Watari....I'll lose them all. Sammy...Bobby....Near. They always die or they go away. Always.”

Sam's voice was quiet. "I'm not going anywhere, Dean."

“You will, Sam. You already have...several times. It will just be one more. I'm supposed to be alone, I guess. Don't like it.”

"What will it take to prove to you I'm not going anywhere?"

“I don't know, Sammy. Don't know anymore. I'm always alone, even when there's someone here. I just got to learn how to be alone. Don't wanna. Please. I don't wanna.”

"Well, you don't have to because you are stuck with me," he said.

“God, I wish you meant that cause I don't wanna lose you again. Not again.”

"I do."

Another flash of light could be glimpsed through the drapes. Thunder crashed and shook the building again. Dean winced but said nothing. Sam sat on the side of the bed and removed his tennis shoes. “What are you doing, Sam?”, the hunters voice was getting more hoarse from all the crying. He was still shaking.

Sam looked at Watari as took off his outer shirt, and smiled at the older man.

"The medicine should kick in soon enough. Both of you rest well." He smiled at the two.

“Sam? What are you doing? You needed medicine too?

“I'm helping my brother fight his storms.”

Watari gently brushed Dean's hair back off of his face. "Sleep well, you two." With that, he headed for L's area, knowing that Near would need reassuring. The medicine he'd given Dean should kick in soon enough.

Sam reached over and turned off the lamp, pulling his brother close to him and holding gently. Dean had stiffened for a moment and, then he just slumped, letting go of himself and letting the younger man comfort him.

He spoke a statement very softly. No question of disbelief, just a fact he finally realized. “You're not leaving or going anywhere.” He sighed and his breathing slowed and grew less erratic.

Sam smiled. Dean had finally gotten it.

Soon the younger Winchester could feel the steady breathing of his big brother when he slept. He relaxed then, knowing he had him safe and protected.

Supernatural Death Note Chapter 70

Authors: Lady Laran and Tisha Wyman Warnings: Bad language, violence, and some sex. Spoilers: My favorite show is Supernatural. Anyone who knows me will say I am almost obsessed, unless they happen to be Laran, who knows I am. Laran loves Death Note. We both love to write. Never in our wildest dreams did we ever think we'd be writing an alternate universe/crossover between the two. What started as a several chapter story has turned into a novel The story had a life of its own. This saga begins towards the end of season 4 and before L truly got involved with the Death Note. This is a story of healing, family,friendship, humor, and horror. We do not own either show or its characters, but I'd take Dean in a heartbeat. We make no money from them. Thank you for reading. Comments are highly appreciated.

Dean's Truths

Dean got up, grabbed a pair of sweats and put them on, took off the robe,and walked out barefooted....stopped, turned and asked, “Why are we waiting til now to deal with this?” He turned and headed to the elevators.

Watari nodded, taking Sam to a private location to work on this issue.

The hunter did not want to bump into Bobby or the boys on the third floor, but he knew there were cameras everywhere. He was pretty sure that with the knowledge of what was coming, that L had the cameras in his room on. It irritated. All of it irritated and for once, Dean was angry. The indoor garden is where Near most likely was. He took the floor to the library. He exited the elevator and took in the quiet of the floor. He stood there. “L, you here by any chance? No? Well I am.” He found a comfortable chair in an alcove.. and waited.”

The dark haired male padded in a short while later, handing Dean a cup of tea before sitting down.

The hunter took the tea, grateful for it, and took a sip. He said nothing, but his hazel eyes kept an alert look on the detective. L knew he was dealing with an entirely different Dean Winchester. This one was more of the man he should always have been. He would wait L out.

"You are having some issues you need to discuss?"

“Honestly, I was hoping you'd tell me why I'm having them at all. Why I wasn't warned that I could have them?”

L was quiet for a moment, contemplating the question. "To be honest, I was unsure as to how your brain would react. Some people can go through this and not have the issue."

“It doesn't seem to be real serious stuff, although I'm gonna hurt like hell for a few days. I'm not as coordinated as I need to be. I hope as I work out that it will come. I at least know when and where I am. Would've been nice to know Sam couldn't. Course I understand. I was still too crazy to deal with it, right?”

"You weren't crazy, just dealing with things and had too much to handle."

“It would help me a great deal, L, if someone would just tell me, where in my handling process I was when this total breakdown happened to Sam. Was it one of the rapes, or my dad, my mom, or Azazel and hell. Where was I? What was so bad that I couldn't help my brother?”

"The rapes," he murmured. "You were dealing with that and your father at the same time. You were too far into the process to handle anything more, Dean. I made a call and even now, I feel it was the right thing to do."

Dean was quiet for a while, he sipped the tea, and L watched the shaking hand slowly steady. The hazel eyes stared up at him, they glistened from unshed tears. He spoke softly, his voice a little hoarse, “Well, you made the right call. If Sammy had been added at that time, I'd have probably tried to end it all. It honestly would not have been the first time I'd contemplated it. The fact that they needed me, it kept me alive. It wasn't really living, but I was here.”

He nodded. "Things will balance in time, Dean."

“I realize this, and I can accept it, but there's one thing I can't accept. I won't be lied to, L. I told Sammy, if you have a secret to keep, then tell me you can't talk about it but don't tell me everything is okay. He's been doing that. Tried to say he was ok when I asked. It was bad when Dad lied to me all those times, man. Sam has been lying to me for a long time. Can't do that anymore. Okay? He's got to understand that. I've reached the end of my rope and I'm hanging on by a strand right now. I need to trust him. He's my brother, L. I do not want codependency here, I want trust. I need one damn family member I can believe in.”

"Watari will handle that. I'll make sure of it," he promised.

“I also need something from you and Watari, L.”

"What is that, Dean?"

“I want you to believe in me.”

"Dean, if I did not, I would not be putting my heirs into your hands nor myself. If I had not believed in you, you would have been referred to a trusted psychiatrist for both of you."

“When I had a problem today, what did I do when I recognized something was wrong?”

"You told us," he said softly. "or at least told Watari and Sam."

“I would like it very much if you would believe in me enough to trust me to know there is a problem and come to you with it. I feel that I should have been warned that something odd could happen. That's all.”

"As I said, there was only a probability this would happen but as you wish, I will make sure you are told if anything else could happen." He pulled a folded paper out of his pocket, handing it to him. "These are other potential side effects, nothing drastic."

Dean looked at the the paper and then at L. “You intended to give this to me? Before I asked?”

He nodded, sipping his tea. "Yes."

Dean opened the paper and said, “Thank you.” He started reading it. Many were nervous tics , but one stood out to him. His brows raised and his eyes widened. "How were you intending to deal with an intense ummm well, an intense sexual arousal if it happens?”

"I'll have Mello share his collection with you," he said.

Dean's head jerked up, “What!!!?”

"He thinks I do not know, but he has a bit of a pornography collection. I am sure he could lend a DVD for you to watch to stimulate your imagination."

L got to experience Dean Winchester at a loss for words.

The detective simply sipped his drink.

If I get that problem, I'd rather go out.”

"As you wish," he said.

“Okay. Fair enough.” A sudden thought occurred to him. “Who will be body guarding me?”

"In regards as to if you need to relieve yourself? I have not anticipated that as of yet."

“O...kay.”

"We shall see."

Dean thought of Lisa wistfully and sighed. He hoped the arousal didn't occur. He really wasn't interested in another one nighter. He wanted so much more. Not until he had something to offer. L wondered what had just caused the strange expressions on Winchester's face. They looked too private to probe. He could ask Sam and wondered if the younger Winchester would even know. Being who he was, he approached the subject.

"What is it that troubles you?"

“What are you talking about?”

"The look on your face," he answered.

“I imagine I get a lot of looks on my face, L. I don't know what you mean?”

He told him what he had seen.

There was a warning in the voice as Dean spoke, “That's private.”

"And it is also troubling you," he pointed out.

“This may be hard for you to understand, but there can be things in a man's life that are troubling that have nothing to do with mental problems.”

L gave a slight shrug. "As you wish."

Dean's voice was slightly sharp, “Yeah, I do. It's private.” His hand holding the tea trembled some.

He nodded, sipping at his tea again.

He noted the look of pain that went across the hunter's face as he lowered his gaze back to the folded paper.

"If you wish to speak on it later, you know where to find me," L said quietly.

Dean looked at L, his eyes red, the misery so thick that L felt that it could be cut with a knife if that were possible. “I appreciate the offer, L, but there's not a damn thing you can do on this one. If you asked Sam, he'd tell you to let it be.”

He nodded. "I will tender one piece of advice. If it is this important to you to make you feel so unhappy, then confront it."

“Oh I want to. More then you could possibly know, but my situation is such that I can't do that. Hell, I told Sam the same thing. Maybe one day, I can...if it's not too late.”

"Your situation will change soon enough," he pointed out.

“Sometimes not being a hunter isn't enough.”

"But you are taking steps to help your situation improve. You have goals."

“I do and this is one of them, but I have to have something more to offer then goals to attain this one. At least, in my mind I do.”

"Don't set your limits so high that you find it insurmountable."

“I'm pretty sure this one may already be. It's more a dream then a possible reality for me.”

"Dean, find out before you write it off."

In frustration Dean opened up without realizing what he was doing. “Really? Just find out? Go tell her I love her and I have nothing right now to offer her or the boy. Oh and by the way, I think you lied. I think he's mine! You tell me how I do that.” The hunter walked out.

L called out. "I can determine if this child is yours easily enough, Dean. However, you are thinking of it the wrong way."

Dean returned. “I told her I couldn't stay because it was dangerous for her and the boy. I tried to ask again if he was mine and she no. I let her know I regretted that. I wanted him almost as much as I wanted her. How am I thinking wrong?”

"Tell her the truth. You are leaving hunting at a specific time and will be improving your future. Lay out your goals..college, business..that you have a backer. Tell this person you want her to be a part of this. Ask for a chance."

“The pain in the hunter's voice was sharp, “I can't. She moved and I don't know where she is. She's protecting him.” This time the he didn't return when he left.

The detective followed him. "You have forgotten something."

Dean leaned against the wall waiting on the elevator. “I know you know everyone, but I've been looking. Her friends don't even know where she is. I contacted her family and they don't either. They blame me. She's changed their names. She doesn't want to be found, L” The elevator opened and Dean walked in and pressed his floor.

He put his hand into the door, stopping it from closing. "I am also the world's greatest detective..a title I hold three times over. I can find her."

Dean looked so miserable and there was no hope in his eyes, but he gave their names to L. The elevator door closed.

L went straight to work, determined to find this person.

Supernatural Death Note Chapter 69

Authors: Lady Laran and Tisha Wyman Warnings: Bad language, violence, and some sex. Spoilers: My favorite show is Supernatural. Anyone who knows me will say I am almost obsessed, unless they happen to be Laran, who knows I am. Laran loves Death Note. We both love to write. Never in our wildest dreams did we ever think we'd be writing an alternate universe/crossover between the two. What started as a several chapter story has turned into a novel The story had a life of its own. This saga begins towards the end of season 4 and before L truly got involved with the Death Note. This is a story of healing, family,friendship, humor, and horror. We do not own either show or its characters, but I'd take Dean in a heartbeat. We make no money from them. Thank you for reading. Comments are highly appreciated.

To Know the Truth and All the Truth

“Look, I know that shit with Ruby and all got me hurt bad a couple of times. I've dealt with that kind of thing a lot of times. Is it the dealing with things that's messed me up? If that's it, then why hasn't Sam had the same problem?”

Sam piped up from where he was sitting. "I have actually. You didn't see me until I was a lot more stable."

“But I did see you, Sam. Not a whole lot at first, but we faced off the day after you forced me to come face you. We were always watched. Is that why we didn't see as much of each other?”

"I was majorly off my rocker," he admitted. "I didn't know where I was, when it was...everything was scrambled."

“Before you called me that night? The blood addiction? I can understand that, Sam. What is causing mine? I don't have an addiction. I was afraid I might but I don't.”

"You still had a lot of trauma to face, which can cause confusion as well," Watari told him.

“Okay, but haven't I face it all? Please tell me I've faced it all.”

"From what I can tell unless you have been hiding more from us," he told him.

“Hell no. That thing you dragged out of me last is all I know of. I can't remember anything else. I swear it. So why the hell am I still having confusion like this? Sam seems okay.”

"Actually, he's had a few bouts as you have as well. At the times it happened, you were in deep with other things and we didn't want to worry you further."

“What other things were more important then this happening to Sam? He's family...my brother.”

"Can you change it when I had an issue then? Dean, I love you but at the time, your health was more important," he reassured him.

“What about my health was more important, Sam. I wasn't dying or anything. We both had problems, so you can't use that against me. My shoulder? Was it that some of the things I faced made me a higher risk or something? I'm not mad here, but I am frustratingly

on the not knowing side here.”

Sam reached over, rubbing his shoulder. "Your emotional health, Dean. I want my brother healthy. That's more important to me."

Dean grabbed a towel and carefully got out of the hot water, hitting the drain release. He toweled off, and grabbed the boxers and tee that he brought with him. Heading into his bedroom, he sat in one of the recliners but did not lean back.

“Would you two sit down, please?”

The two nodded, taking a seat.

“I'm not trying to harp on things or dig up the past here. It's just that Sam has faced the same things I'm facing, only I wasn't told. I just want to know what it was that was so bad about my mental or emotional health, whatever the hell it was, that made it dangerous for me to know. I have a right to know. What things that happened to me made me unable to deal with Sam? I want specifics. Can't have been everything. It had to be particular ones that I was dealing with at the time.”

Watari held up his hand. "Only if Sam agrees, Dean. We have not shared anything with him that you have not."

Sam sighed. "Dean, it was the fact you didn't need more stress. Not that it was horrible. Just that the stress would've been too much considering that you had a full plate and then some to take care of."

“Don't pull the stress crap on me, Sammy. I'm not stupid, okay. I've lived under stress my whole life. More then you can possibly imagine. Okay? Watari said only if you agree because they have not shared anything with you that I didn't share. Well, somebody tell what it is I didn't share or I did and you thought was too much. Just quit pussyfooting around it. I'm not some delicate flower here. Okay?”

Another sigh. "When you're under serious therapy, yeah stress can cause major problems. It was L and Watari's decision, Dean. All it was is that I got confused about times and dates...there were days I was so out of it, I thought I was back at Stanford."

The hunter's face stiffened, his eyes closed for a second and his lips became a straight line. His body shook for a second and he sighed deeply.

He spoke only one word, and they barely heard it, “Okay.”

Watari looked at him. "Tell us what you're thinking, Dean."

His voice was bitter and filled with pain. “I'm thinking that I made such a effing mess out of my life that I didn't recognize that my brother had an addiction, and even after I was getting help, I was no use to him either. I'm a damn screw up. You didn't even want to tell me now.”

Sam stared at him. "The mess was started by Dad. I hid the symptoms as much as I could, Dean, and given all the shit you went through, no one would blame you for not seeing it. You're not a screw up. Don't make me thump you."

“You're my brother, Sammy.”

"And you're mine, Dean. You were in no shape to hear that I didn't know where the hell I was. I'm glad they didn't tell you because I wanted you to heal."

“Okay.”

"It doesn't mean you're a screw up, got me?"

“Yeah, okay, Sam.” The topic change was sudden and a little surprising. “Are we expected to do anything this afternoon?”

Watari's voice was soft. "Just relaxing while I get the exercises put together."

Dean nodded his head, “Sounds good. Maybe I'll lay down a while and see if these muscles will feel better. Ease them a little.”

Sam stared at his brother in anger and looked at Watari and mouthed, 'He's lying.'

The older man frowned. "Dean, why are you hiding from us?"

“Hiding? Me” I thought that I'd been damn open with all of you. When I wasn't all of you saw to it that it got ripped out of me, so don't you dare accuse me of hiding any thing! We've been talking for weeks about what we'd been going through and I didn't hide anything. Hell I volunteered a lot of it. Sam knew all of it cause I told him. The hiding is on the other side, okay. I had a right to know. Sam was going through hell, too, and he didn't know where or when he was? Hell, I was never that bad, but it was okay for him to know the worst about me? Even now I have to pry things out. Why? I wasn't as stressed as he was.”

Sam ducked his head. "It wasn't until recently that you were steady enough to talk to about it. Honestly, Dean, I'm trying to share about everything with you. I am. Do you think I like knowing I was so effing out of it because of coming off the blood?"

“Do you think I like the idea that what I did put you there?”

"You didn't do anything. I was the one who did it!"

“Yeah, I know. I know you lied to me over and over about the blood, the powers, and, most of all, Ruby. I know you didn't think I was the same man and you had to have the blood to do what was my job. I know that. You told me enough, okay. It's not my fault. Well, there you may be right. You may be wrong. There's no way of knowing for sure, Sammy, whether I could have done that job or not, but I did the one here. I did it fine, without the alcohol and the women. I know I'm not at fault, Sam, in my head, I do, but I still do with my heart sometimes. You told it over and over you didn't need me because I was a wuss and you were stronger than me. Course that was blood talking. To get past this crap, Sammy, we agreed no hiding things. I'm not hiding. You say I wasn't ready til recently. When was recently, Sammy? An hour ago?”

"Just a few days, Dean."

“I was in there, Sam. I couldn't deal with you guys thinking there was something else wrong and doing something like that to me again. I just became what you wanted.”

He ran fingers through his hair. "Tell me you're not acting now, please."

“No, Sam. I'm not acting, cause I want to kick your ass so bad for hiding this stuff from me that it's killing me inside..I want to be brothers. I'm dealing with crap right now and I don't know why, but I don't believe that knowing you'd been having problems and telling me you're fine is really going to make my problems go away, do you?”

Sam stared at him. "You haven't told me about the breakdowns during your sessions with L and Watari....god, I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry."

“I didn't go into detail over them, Sammy, but I told you a little. Hell you watched a video tape of one of them. You saw my head and my hand when I tried to ram them through the walls. If I didn't tell you, then how the hell did you know I had breakdowns?”

"Logic, Dean. We're both dealing with a lot of crap...I had them too."

“Sam, we promised each other no more lies. When I knew I had some problems with things, it was today. I asked questions. I didn't hide it. I included you. I didn't lie. All this time we've been telling each other the truth, were you?”

"Yes, Dean, I have been," he told him.

“How long did it take to get over the problems I'm now having?”

"I still have it on occasion," he said softly. "I wanted to ask you about it later today."

Dean's voice was just as soft, “So when I asked you each day if you were okay, it wasn't always true when you said yes?”

"No, at the time I was okay."

“Oh, Sammy.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't like it. I don't like not trusting myself."

“Watari, there's going to be flashes at times. We're family. Okay? I don't want to start this crap all over again. We got a hunt to do. Just tell me why I'm having these strange lapses because I've honestly been doing better since that fight with Mello. I know there are still things that are painful, but I'd been dealing fine. I just want honesty here. Sam, when I ask how you are, it doesn't mean that minute and you know that.”

He nodded. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Watari frowned. "Basically, the brain is trying to rebalance itself. All the stress, dependencies..it changed the brain chemistry."

“I thought they had to give people drugs for that. It can be done without them? That's good to know.”

"That is what we're trying to achieve," he said.

“Then we work on it while we prepare, do the tests and stuff.” Dean rose from the table, his legs still wobbly, “Sammy?”

"Yeah Dean?"

Dean couldn't think of any words, he just held out his arms, tears falling down his face.

Sam hugged him tightly. "I love you. Never doubt that man."

“I love you so much, Sammy. I can only say this once. I can't do lies anymore, man. Please.”

"I hear you, big brother. We'll make it. I know we will."

Dean nodded, “Sam, if something is going on you can't tell me, then just say there are things you can't talk about right now, but you didn't want to lie to me. Okay?”

"Deal..you do the same too."

“Yeah, Sammy, cause I can't keep doing this. There's been too damn much. I need you, Sam. You have to have my back.”

"I have it, Dean. Always, you know that."

“If you can still believe in me, I can in you.”

"Dude, you're like the top of my list of people I believe in."

The look on Dean's face was so hopeful, and almost fearful, “Really, Sammy?”

"Oh yeah," he said, tearful as well.

Dean held him close again, his face buried in the taller man's neck, as he choked out, “Thank you, Sammy.” The tears wet Sam's neck. Sam finally realized that his faith in his brother meant a great deal to the man.

His grip tightened. "You're welcome, Dean," he murmured.

Dean finally pulled away, wiping the tears from his eyes and off his face with his hand. How many times had Sam seen him do that and never really understood. Dean shook his head, trying to clear the emotions and noticed Watari sitting there. He look at Sam and gave him a sweet smile and motioned to the chair he'd been sitting in before.

“Well, when are the sessions starting back up? I know I've screwed myself royal, right?”

Watari smiled back. "Why don't you go chat with L when you feel ready."

Dean looked at the older man. “They are gonna start up again? Does he have the cameras on in here?” Dean shook his head. “Man, I'm having a chemical problem but it doesn't mean I've got psychological ones right now. I was upset that Sam was having problems and I wasn't told the truth. Y'all were expecting things from me. It would have been nice to know what to look for instead of getting panicky because something happened and I didn't know what it was. I might as well go see him now and see how he wants to do this. I'm guessing Sam doesn't need to because he acted normal? Right?”

"No, I'm going to talk to him about handling it while you work with L."