Dean's Truths
Dean got up, grabbed a pair of sweats and put them on, took off the robe,and walked out barefooted....stopped, turned and asked, “Why are we waiting til now to deal with this?” He turned and headed to the elevators.
Watari nodded, taking Sam to a private location to work on this issue.
The hunter did not want to bump into Bobby or the boys on the third floor, but he knew there were cameras everywhere. He was pretty sure that with the knowledge of what was coming, that L had the cameras in his room on. It irritated. All of it irritated and for once, Dean was angry. The indoor garden is where Near most likely was. He took the floor to the library. He exited the elevator and took in the quiet of the floor. He stood there. “L, you here by any chance? No? Well I am.” He found a comfortable chair in an alcove.. and waited.”
The dark haired male padded in a short while later, handing Dean a cup of tea before sitting down.
The hunter took the tea, grateful for it, and took a sip. He said nothing, but his hazel eyes kept an alert look on the detective. L knew he was dealing with an entirely different Dean Winchester. This one was more of the man he should always have been. He would wait L out.
"You are having some issues you need to discuss?"
“Honestly, I was hoping you'd tell me why I'm having them at all. Why I wasn't warned that I could have them?”
L was quiet for a moment, contemplating the question. "To be honest, I was unsure as to how your brain would react. Some people can go through this and not have the issue."
“It doesn't seem to be real serious stuff, although I'm gonna hurt like hell for a few days. I'm not as coordinated as I need to be. I hope as I work out that it will come. I at least know when and where I am. Would've been nice to know Sam couldn't. Course I understand. I was still too crazy to deal with it, right?”
"You weren't crazy, just dealing with things and had too much to handle."
“It would help me a great deal, L, if someone would just tell me, where in my handling process I was when this total breakdown happened to Sam. Was it one of the rapes, or my dad, my mom, or Azazel and hell. Where was I? What was so bad that I couldn't help my brother?”
"The rapes," he murmured. "You were dealing with that and your father at the same time. You were too far into the process to handle anything more, Dean. I made a call and even now, I feel it was the right thing to do."
Dean was quiet for a while, he sipped the tea, and L watched the shaking hand slowly steady. The hazel eyes stared up at him, they glistened from unshed tears. He spoke softly, his voice a little hoarse, “Well, you made the right call. If Sammy had been added at that time, I'd have probably tried to end it all. It honestly would not have been the first time I'd contemplated it. The fact that they needed me, it kept me alive. It wasn't really living, but I was here.”
He nodded. "Things will balance in time, Dean."
“I realize this, and I can accept it, but there's one thing I can't accept. I won't be lied to, L. I told Sammy, if you have a secret to keep, then tell me you can't talk about it but don't tell me everything is okay. He's been doing that. Tried to say he was ok when I asked. It was bad when Dad lied to me all those times, man. Sam has been lying to me for a long time. Can't do that anymore. Okay? He's got to understand that. I've reached the end of my rope and I'm hanging on by a strand right now. I need to trust him. He's my brother, L. I do not want codependency here, I want trust. I need one damn family member I can believe in.”
"Watari will handle that. I'll make sure of it," he promised.
“I also need something from you and Watari, L.”
"What is that, Dean?"
“I want you to believe in me.”
"Dean, if I did not, I would not be putting my heirs into your hands nor myself. If I had not believed in you, you would have been referred to a trusted psychiatrist for both of you."
“When I had a problem today, what did I do when I recognized something was wrong?”
"You told us," he said softly. "or at least told Watari and Sam."
“I would like it very much if you would believe in me enough to trust me to know there is a problem and come to you with it. I feel that I should have been warned that something odd could happen. That's all.”
"As I said, there was only a probability this would happen but as you wish, I will make sure you are told if anything else could happen." He pulled a folded paper out of his pocket, handing it to him. "These are other potential side effects, nothing drastic."
Dean looked at the the paper and then at L. “You intended to give this to me? Before I asked?”
He nodded, sipping his tea. "Yes."
Dean opened the paper and said, “Thank you.” He started reading it. Many were nervous tics , but one stood out to him. His brows raised and his eyes widened. "How were you intending to deal with an intense ummm well, an intense sexual arousal if it happens?”
"I'll have Mello share his collection with you," he said.
Dean's head jerked up, “What!!!?”
"He thinks I do not know, but he has a bit of a pornography collection. I am sure he could lend a DVD for you to watch to stimulate your imagination."
L got to experience Dean Winchester at a loss for words.
The detective simply sipped his drink.
If I get that problem, I'd rather go out.”
"As you wish," he said.
“Okay. Fair enough.” A sudden thought occurred to him. “Who will be body guarding me?”
"In regards as to if you need to relieve yourself? I have not anticipated that as of yet."
“O...kay.”
"We shall see."
Dean thought of Lisa wistfully and sighed. He hoped the arousal didn't occur. He really wasn't interested in another one nighter. He wanted so much more. Not until he had something to offer. L wondered what had just caused the strange expressions on Winchester's face. They looked too private to probe. He could ask Sam and wondered if the younger Winchester would even know. Being who he was, he approached the subject.
"What is it that troubles you?"
“What are you talking about?”
"The look on your face," he answered.
“I imagine I get a lot of looks on my face, L. I don't know what you mean?”
He told him what he had seen.
There was a warning in the voice as Dean spoke, “That's private.”
"And it is also troubling you," he pointed out.
“This may be hard for you to understand, but there can be things in a man's life that are troubling that have nothing to do with mental problems.”
L gave a slight shrug. "As you wish."
Dean's voice was slightly sharp, “Yeah, I do. It's private.” His hand holding the tea trembled some.
He nodded, sipping at his tea again.
He noted the look of pain that went across the hunter's face as he lowered his gaze back to the folded paper.
"If you wish to speak on it later, you know where to find me," L said quietly.
Dean looked at L, his eyes red, the misery so thick that L felt that it could be cut with a knife if that were possible. “I appreciate the offer, L, but there's not a damn thing you can do on this one. If you asked Sam, he'd tell you to let it be.”
He nodded. "I will tender one piece of advice. If it is this important to you to make you feel so unhappy, then confront it."
“Oh I want to. More then you could possibly know, but my situation is such that I can't do that. Hell, I told Sam the same thing. Maybe one day, I can...if it's not too late.”
"Your situation will change soon enough," he pointed out.
“Sometimes not being a hunter isn't enough.”
"But you are taking steps to help your situation improve. You have goals."
“I do and this is one of them, but I have to have something more to offer then goals to attain this one. At least, in my mind I do.”
"Don't set your limits so high that you find it insurmountable."
“I'm pretty sure this one may already be. It's more a dream then a possible reality for me.”
"Dean, find out before you write it off."
In frustration Dean opened up without realizing what he was doing. “Really? Just find out? Go tell her I love her and I have nothing right now to offer her or the boy. Oh and by the way, I think you lied. I think he's mine! You tell me how I do that.” The hunter walked out.
L called out. "I can determine if this child is yours easily enough, Dean. However, you are thinking of it the wrong way."
Dean returned. “I told her I couldn't stay because it was dangerous for her and the boy. I tried to ask again if he was mine and she no. I let her know I regretted that. I wanted him almost as much as I wanted her. How am I thinking wrong?”
"Tell her the truth. You are leaving hunting at a specific time and will be improving your future. Lay out your goals..college, business..that you have a backer. Tell this person you want her to be a part of this. Ask for a chance."
“The pain in the hunter's voice was sharp, “I can't. She moved and I don't know where she is. She's protecting him.” This time the he didn't return when he left.
The detective followed him. "You have forgotten something."
Dean leaned against the wall waiting on the elevator. “I know you know everyone, but I've been looking. Her friends don't even know where she is. I contacted her family and they don't either. They blame me. She's changed their names. She doesn't want to be found, L” The elevator opened and Dean walked in and pressed his floor.
He put his hand into the door, stopping it from closing. "I am also the world's greatest detective..a title I hold three times over. I can find her."
Dean looked so miserable and there was no hope in his eyes, but he gave their names to L. The elevator door closed.
L went straight to work, determined to find this person.
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