To Know the Truth and All the Truth
“Look, I know that shit with Ruby and all got me hurt bad a couple of times. I've dealt with that kind of thing a lot of times. Is it the dealing with things that's messed me up? If that's it, then why hasn't Sam had the same problem?”
Sam piped up from where he was sitting. "I have actually. You didn't see me until I was a lot more stable."
“But I did see you, Sam. Not a whole lot at first, but we faced off the day after you forced me to come face you. We were always watched. Is that why we didn't see as much of each other?”
"I was majorly off my rocker," he admitted. "I didn't know where I was, when it was...everything was scrambled."
“Before you called me that night? The blood addiction? I can understand that, Sam. What is causing mine? I don't have an addiction. I was afraid I might but I don't.”
"You still had a lot of trauma to face, which can cause confusion as well," Watari told him.
“Okay, but haven't I face it all? Please tell me I've faced it all.”
"From what I can tell unless you have been hiding more from us," he told him.
“Hell no. That thing you dragged out of me last is all I know of. I can't remember anything else. I swear it. So why the hell am I still having confusion like this? Sam seems okay.”
"Actually, he's had a few bouts as you have as well. At the times it happened, you were in deep with other things and we didn't want to worry you further."
“What other things were more important then this happening to Sam? He's family...my brother.”
"Can you change it when I had an issue then? Dean, I love you but at the time, your health was more important," he reassured him.
“What about my health was more important, Sam. I wasn't dying or anything. We both had problems, so you can't use that against me. My shoulder? Was it that some of the things I faced made me a higher risk or something? I'm not mad here, but I am frustratingly
on the not knowing side here.”
Sam reached over, rubbing his shoulder. "Your emotional health, Dean. I want my brother healthy. That's more important to me."
Dean grabbed a towel and carefully got out of the hot water, hitting the drain release. He toweled off, and grabbed the boxers and tee that he brought with him. Heading into his bedroom, he sat in one of the recliners but did not lean back.
“Would you two sit down, please?”
The two nodded, taking a seat.
“I'm not trying to harp on things or dig up the past here. It's just that Sam has faced the same things I'm facing, only I wasn't told. I just want to know what it was that was so bad about my mental or emotional health, whatever the hell it was, that made it dangerous for me to know. I have a right to know. What things that happened to me made me unable to deal with Sam? I want specifics. Can't have been everything. It had to be particular ones that I was dealing with at the time.”
Watari held up his hand. "Only if Sam agrees, Dean. We have not shared anything with him that you have not."
Sam sighed. "Dean, it was the fact you didn't need more stress. Not that it was horrible. Just that the stress would've been too much considering that you had a full plate and then some to take care of."
“Don't pull the stress crap on me, Sammy. I'm not stupid, okay. I've lived under stress my whole life. More then you can possibly imagine. Okay? Watari said only if you agree because they have not shared anything with you that I didn't share. Well, somebody tell what it is I didn't share or I did and you thought was too much. Just quit pussyfooting around it. I'm not some delicate flower here. Okay?”
Another sigh. "When you're under serious therapy, yeah stress can cause major problems. It was L and Watari's decision, Dean. All it was is that I got confused about times and dates...there were days I was so out of it, I thought I was back at Stanford."
The hunter's face stiffened, his eyes closed for a second and his lips became a straight line. His body shook for a second and he sighed deeply.
He spoke only one word, and they barely heard it, “Okay.”
Watari looked at him. "Tell us what you're thinking, Dean."
His voice was bitter and filled with pain. “I'm thinking that I made such a effing mess out of my life that I didn't recognize that my brother had an addiction, and even after I was getting help, I was no use to him either. I'm a damn screw up. You didn't even want to tell me now.”
Sam stared at him. "The mess was started by Dad. I hid the symptoms as much as I could, Dean, and given all the shit you went through, no one would blame you for not seeing it. You're not a screw up. Don't make me thump you."
“You're my brother, Sammy.”
"And you're mine, Dean. You were in no shape to hear that I didn't know where the hell I was. I'm glad they didn't tell you because I wanted you to heal."
“Okay.”
"It doesn't mean you're a screw up, got me?"
“Yeah, okay, Sam.” The topic change was sudden and a little surprising. “Are we expected to do anything this afternoon?”
Watari's voice was soft. "Just relaxing while I get the exercises put together."
Dean nodded his head, “Sounds good. Maybe I'll lay down a while and see if these muscles will feel better. Ease them a little.”
Sam stared at his brother in anger and looked at Watari and mouthed, 'He's lying.'
The older man frowned. "Dean, why are you hiding from us?"
“Hiding? Me” I thought that I'd been damn open with all of you. When I wasn't all of you saw to it that it got ripped out of me, so don't you dare accuse me of hiding any thing! We've been talking for weeks about what we'd been going through and I didn't hide anything. Hell I volunteered a lot of it. Sam knew all of it cause I told him. The hiding is on the other side, okay. I had a right to know. Sam was going through hell, too, and he didn't know where or when he was? Hell, I was never that bad, but it was okay for him to know the worst about me? Even now I have to pry things out. Why? I wasn't as stressed as he was.”
Sam ducked his head. "It wasn't until recently that you were steady enough to talk to about it. Honestly, Dean, I'm trying to share about everything with you. I am. Do you think I like knowing I was so effing out of it because of coming off the blood?"
“Do you think I like the idea that what I did put you there?”
"You didn't do anything. I was the one who did it!"
“Yeah, I know. I know you lied to me over and over about the blood, the powers, and, most of all, Ruby. I know you didn't think I was the same man and you had to have the blood to do what was my job. I know that. You told me enough, okay. It's not my fault. Well, there you may be right. You may be wrong. There's no way of knowing for sure, Sammy, whether I could have done that job or not, but I did the one here. I did it fine, without the alcohol and the women. I know I'm not at fault, Sam, in my head, I do, but I still do with my heart sometimes. You told it over and over you didn't need me because I was a wuss and you were stronger than me. Course that was blood talking. To get past this crap, Sammy, we agreed no hiding things. I'm not hiding. You say I wasn't ready til recently. When was recently, Sammy? An hour ago?”
"Just a few days, Dean."
“I was in there, Sam. I couldn't deal with you guys thinking there was something else wrong and doing something like that to me again. I just became what you wanted.”
He ran fingers through his hair. "Tell me you're not acting now, please."
“No, Sam. I'm not acting, cause I want to kick your ass so bad for hiding this stuff from me that it's killing me inside..I want to be brothers. I'm dealing with crap right now and I don't know why, but I don't believe that knowing you'd been having problems and telling me you're fine is really going to make my problems go away, do you?”
Sam stared at him. "You haven't told me about the breakdowns during your sessions with L and Watari....god, I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry."
“I didn't go into detail over them, Sammy, but I told you a little. Hell you watched a video tape of one of them. You saw my head and my hand when I tried to ram them through the walls. If I didn't tell you, then how the hell did you know I had breakdowns?”
"Logic, Dean. We're both dealing with a lot of crap...I had them too."
“Sam, we promised each other no more lies. When I knew I had some problems with things, it was today. I asked questions. I didn't hide it. I included you. I didn't lie. All this time we've been telling each other the truth, were you?”
"Yes, Dean, I have been," he told him.
“How long did it take to get over the problems I'm now having?”
"I still have it on occasion," he said softly. "I wanted to ask you about it later today."
Dean's voice was just as soft, “So when I asked you each day if you were okay, it wasn't always true when you said yes?”
"No, at the time I was okay."
“Oh, Sammy.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't like it. I don't like not trusting myself."
“Watari, there's going to be flashes at times. We're family. Okay? I don't want to start this crap all over again. We got a hunt to do. Just tell me why I'm having these strange lapses because I've honestly been doing better since that fight with Mello. I know there are still things that are painful, but I'd been dealing fine. I just want honesty here. Sam, when I ask how you are, it doesn't mean that minute and you know that.”
He nodded. "I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Watari frowned. "Basically, the brain is trying to rebalance itself. All the stress, dependencies..it changed the brain chemistry."
“I thought they had to give people drugs for that. It can be done without them? That's good to know.”
"That is what we're trying to achieve," he said.
“Then we work on it while we prepare, do the tests and stuff.” Dean rose from the table, his legs still wobbly, “Sammy?”
"Yeah Dean?"
Dean couldn't think of any words, he just held out his arms, tears falling down his face.
Sam hugged him tightly. "I love you. Never doubt that man."
“I love you so much, Sammy. I can only say this once. I can't do lies anymore, man. Please.”
"I hear you, big brother. We'll make it. I know we will."
Dean nodded, “Sam, if something is going on you can't tell me, then just say there are things you can't talk about right now, but you didn't want to lie to me. Okay?”
"Deal..you do the same too."
“Yeah, Sammy, cause I can't keep doing this. There's been too damn much. I need you, Sam. You have to have my back.”
"I have it, Dean. Always, you know that."
“If you can still believe in me, I can in you.”
"Dude, you're like the top of my list of people I believe in."
The look on Dean's face was so hopeful, and almost fearful, “Really, Sammy?”
"Oh yeah," he said, tearful as well.
Dean held him close again, his face buried in the taller man's neck, as he choked out, “Thank you, Sammy.” The tears wet Sam's neck. Sam finally realized that his faith in his brother meant a great deal to the man.
His grip tightened. "You're welcome, Dean," he murmured.
Dean finally pulled away, wiping the tears from his eyes and off his face with his hand. How many times had Sam seen him do that and never really understood. Dean shook his head, trying to clear the emotions and noticed Watari sitting there. He look at Sam and gave him a sweet smile and motioned to the chair he'd been sitting in before.
“Well, when are the sessions starting back up? I know I've screwed myself royal, right?”
Watari smiled back. "Why don't you go chat with L when you feel ready."
Dean looked at the older man. “They are gonna start up again? Does he have the cameras on in here?” Dean shook his head. “Man, I'm having a chemical problem but it doesn't mean I've got psychological ones right now. I was upset that Sam was having problems and I wasn't told the truth. Y'all were expecting things from me. It would have been nice to know what to look for instead of getting panicky because something happened and I didn't know what it was. I might as well go see him now and see how he wants to do this. I'm guessing Sam doesn't need to because he acted normal? Right?”
"No, I'm going to talk to him about handling it while you work with L."
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