What Hasn't Been Dealt With...Sam
"I hope so. I remember being jealous over Dean too when he was acting big brother to another kid my age. It was hard..so damned hard," he murmured.
“Yes, but which of you did Dean come home to, suffer for, care for over anything and everything, Sam?”
"Me..it was me. When you're a kid though, it's hard to accept anyone else. Especially when that one person is pretty much all you have."
“Yet you were always running away from him, Sam Dean gives so freely of himself because he’s afraid of being alone. He was so afraid of losing you. He talked to me about it a few months ago. Dean doesn’t want anyone to feel that alone. When you were at Stanford, your dad walked out on him. Dean acted like it was normal to have that. He told you he was 26 and old enough to handle his own cases. Covering up was what he was doing, Sam. He told me you’d run away at least once. He took it as leaving him, not your dad. That’s why he’s this way.”
"Don't even start, Lisa. I ran away because I was scared of losing Dean and my dad didn't give a damn about what I wanted. Dean kept being daddy's little soldier and tried to balance my wants with Dad's demands," he told her.
“You’re not over that are you? Dean gives because it’s now a part of him, Sam. For the longest time before Ryuzaki and Watari helped him, he gave because he was afraid if he wasn’t needed he wouldn’t be wanted. He wanted his dad’s love, Sam. He never got it. I always thought he put you first. Isn’t that why he got in so much trouble with youf dad when you went to Stanford. He told me he gave you every penny he owned to see to it you had food and a place to sleep on that bus trip. He took that punishment when you disappeared and went somewhere south. He was taking care of you. Dean would do anything for you, Sam. You always came before your dad. Always. Dean was caught between you two. He wanted to be there for his dad and have his approval, but you were his to care for and he loves you like he could never love his dad. If you don’t believe that think of his reactions and his face when you and your dad fought. You have always had your brother’s heart.”
He shrugged, looking tired. "Good night, Lisa."
“Good night, Sam. Maybe you need to talk to your brother like Ben just did. You certainly have not gotten over it.”
"In my own time."
“Sam, Dean doesn’t deserve this. Think back over the past months with Watari and Ryuzaki. Think about what Dean has said and done. What he has gone through for you. Your dad never had him. You did.”
He shut the door, then looked at her. "Don't, Lisa. You've no right to go there. I'm not taking this out on Dean, and I would never do that."
“You are right, Sam. You are not taking it out on Dean. You’ve taken charge and protected him. Sam, by holding that inside instead of getting it out into the open between you, you hurt both of you...mainly because it is there.” Lisa stepped closer and kissed the tall man. “I love you ,Sam. I shouldn’t have to tell you that your brother does. Good night.”
Sam shook his head, heading towards the living room he took Sarah’s hand and headed towards their trailer
“You all right, Sam? You look upset.”.
"Lisa..just sick of lectures."
“Why would Lisa say anything to you? What lectures? I don’t recall you talking about getting lectures lately. We’ve been here for months. What lectures, Sam?”
Sam told her what Lisa had said, pouring himself a glass of water after putting his shoes away.
“Honey, that doesn’t sound like much of a lecture, but more of her being concerned about you and Dean. Why haven’t you talked to him about this? I’m not lecturing, love. I’m curious.”
"What is there to talk about, Sarah? Nothing, not really. How much I hate my birth father for putting us through this shit and making Dean my dad when he shouldn't have been?"
“Sam, there is something if it’s still bothering, baby. You are upset in some way with Dean too. You told her that he had to balance caring for you with being his dad’s little soldier. Sam you are upset with him for that. Dean didn’t give all to you. That’s what’s wrong, sweetie. You need to talk to him. Let it out, honey. If you don’t, at some point you will flash and it could hurt you both, definitely emotionally and mentally, possibly physically. Please, Sam. Don’t hold this in, my love. Come to bed and let me see if I can make you feel better.”
"I just want her to back off. It's not her place," he said, putting the glass in the sink.
“Sam, Lisa is seeing what I am seeing...the possibility of you two getting hurt because if comes out the wrong way, one or both of you will. I think she only asked you to talk to Dean and tried to tell you that Dean loves you enough to give all for you. I can’t blame her for wanting to make sure Dean doesn’t face any more family pain. I would have said the same to Dean if it had been him, my love.”
"I know he does, Sarah, and I don't blame him for any of it."
“I know you hate your dad. Believe me, we all do. Sam, you sounded bitter over Dean. Talking about him wanting to be your dad’s little soldier. and balancing your dad’s wants with your needs. From what I had understood from Bobby that’s one reason Dean was not with your dad after you left. Yes, Dean wanted his dad’s love, but Sam, it was yours that meant the world to him. I watched a different Dean accept what you and Bobby planned for him and for the shop. He was so shook up he was shaking, Sam. Than, Ben topped it off. He took it because you are Sam and Bobby is Bobby. You are family..his family and I watched Dean Winchester not only not argue with you, although he questioned, but he actually obeyed you two, Sam. Who’s soldier is he really? He would die for you, but not John Winchester. No, he is the little soldier of Sam Winchester and Bobby Singer. Think on that one, my sweet.”
"I know that, Sarah," he said, sitting on their bed. "It's not Dean I'm upset with even though people think I am. I just wish I could beat the shit out of John Winchester..just once."
“Why? He’s dead, Sam. He can’t hurt either of you unless you let him. It does no good. By letting him make you feel this way, you are only letting him control your feelings. It’s not good for you, my love. Seriously. Let it go. You and Dean both have families now. When we marry, I’ll be your family. I hope we’ll have lots of children, Sam, because you will be a great dad. Bobby loves you like a father. You’re his son. You have Dean and always will. We’ll be sharing the same house, hon. It won’t be bad. Let him go. He’s worthless and good only for the pain he caused. Don’t let him cause more pain.” With this, Lisa kissed the man she loved and pulled him into the bed.
Sam lost himself in her, pushing everything aside simply to focus on the one he loved.
Morning arrived at an early hour for most of the group. Bobby was at Sam and Sarah’s helping to fix breakfast. Sam woke up and saw the suitcases were ready and smiled. He showered and dressed and joined the two in the kitchen. There was a knock at the door and Lisa’s head popped in.
“Hey, guys, I brought the fresh fruit and the juices” Sam grabbed the door and opened it so Dean’s girl could enter with the large tray she was carrying.
He didn't say much, just opened the door and then went out to check the vehicles, making sure everything was ready.
Lisa recognized the attitude as pure Winchester. Her son had it in abundance as Dean found out last night. She was not about to get involved any further.
Sam went to his brother's trailer, going into Ben's room to tap his brother's foot. "Dean, time to get up." He noticed that his brother was still completely clothed, shod, with his son still in his arms and the dog on his legs. One eye opened as he looked up at his brother. Sam wondered if he got any rest like that.
"It's time to get up. The girls are m.aking breakfast," he told his brother.
“Kay. It’s really morning? I slept like this all night?” Dean stared at his son and the large dog on his legs, and wondered if he stilll had legs. There was no feeling there
Sam nudged the dog off of the bed, ordering it out of the room in a stern tone. "You slept like that all night."
Dean nudged his son and softly said his name. Ben woke up and looked at his dad, his uncle Sam, and where he was. His eyes got big. “I slept on you? All night?”
"Yeah you did, Ben. You should go get cleaned up and ready for breakfast," Sam told him. "Your mom is in my trailer."
Dean forced himself to sit up. He looked up at his brother and frowned. “What’s wrong, Sam?”
"Nothing..just didn't sleep well," he said quietly.
Dean stared at him, a hurt expression on his face. He nodded, and began to see if his legs worked.
Sam sighed. "Your girlfriend decided to lecture me last night because I'm still dealing with shit from Dad. I didn't appreciate it as I'm handling it the best I can..it's slow progress but it's progress."
“Lisa doesn’t lecture, Sam. She talks and she makes sense when she does. Why the hell didn’t you tell me? We agreed no more keeping things hidden away. You weren’t gonna tell me. If I didn’t know how to read you when you lie, you wouldn’t have.” Dean leaned down, trying to rub circulation back into this limbs so he could get up.
"I'm not hiding anything, Dean. And she does lecture, which I didn't appreciate. She seems to think I hold some sort of grudge against you without even bothering to ask how I feel." He ran fingers through his hair. "I don't..not against you. I still want to kick the old man's ass for how he screwed us over. I'm working on it. I did talk to you about this before and there's no sense beating a dead horse over and over again."
“First off, that’s not like Lisa. What’d you say? How’d you say it, Sam? Second, if you still got issues, than it’s not a beating a dead horse over and over again. It’s alive and kicking, Sam. Not too long ago, you told me that you took it as a compliment when I said you were like Dad, cause you are. It was not a compliment at the time, Sam. We all need to sit down and talk cause that’s not Lis.”
He sighed. "My head is screwed up still where he is concerned, Dean. I thought I was doing ok and then it boils right back up again. I can't get it to stay down."
“All right. Before we leave. Before we do anything, we talk..all of us. Than,when they get here, you start sessions with someone.... Watari or L, your choice. I love you, Sam, but this has got to be taken care of.”
"I'll work with them, Dean, I promise..but not Lisa. I love her and know you love her..but it's not any of her business and she won't stop her prying." His voice was mild, not insulting at all.
Dean pulled himself up, wincing. He limped towards the living room and out the door towards Sam’s house...a determined look on his face. For the life of him, Lisa was not a prying person. He knew that. Something was not right and he was fixing to find out.
Bobby looked up when Dean entered. "Hey Dean, breakfast is almost ready."
Dean walked past everyone and up to the woman he loved. “Lis, what happened with Sam last night? Were you prying? What the hell did he say to start all this?”
Lisa told him the conversation, hands busy with breakfast as she did so.
“Okay. Where’s Sam? I thought he was behind me? Lisa, you don’t know nor can you understand completely what Dad was like. You only know bits and pieces. Never thought Sam cared one way or the other about Dad and me. Hell, I never had Dad, but I did try. Girls, both of you, when it comes to things between Sam and me, let us deal. You stay out of it. Bobby will tell you it’s better that way.”
Dean walked out.
He met Sam on his way to his trailer to find him.
“Sam, I don’t think she meant it to be prying or picking on you. She thought you were upset with me and was trying to make you see I wasn’t doing that. I told both of them, Lisa and Sarah to stay out of the stuff between us. Now, breakfast is almost ready, but we need to talk”
"I know we do, Dean, and I'm not hiding from that. It's just..I have a hard time opening up with others too. I don't know her and it just rubbed me the wrong way. She'll never be able to understand, not really," he said with a sigh, running fingers through his hair.
“You got that way wrong, Sammy. She lives with me. All our life, who was after who to open up and talk?”
"Yeah, Dean, with me because we had no one else and who else was going to understand what we were facing day in and day out?"
“Sam, when it came to personal, no one could get anything out of me. I clammed up. I had good reason to, but I did it to you too. You never once told me you didn’t want me around. You just ran off, Sam. I know part of it was Dad. But if you hadn’t been upset with me, you would’ve told me what you were gonna do instead of leaving me to take the hell from Dad. You never once asked me what he did or said to me when we found you gone. It was my job, Sam. He loved you and I got...er...he loved you. It was my fault.”
Sam snorted. "He didn't love me, Dean, he hated me. I caught him looking at me with so much hatred in his eyes. I said it was you but it wasn't. It was him I wanted away from..that and how he had you jumping at everything simply because he wanted it."
“I was trapped, Sam. You know that. He would’ve told everyone what happened. I would’ve gone with you, Sam. I would’ve... I wasn’t a brother. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry.” Dean turned and headed off behind the trailers.
He grabbed Dean's arm. "I never blamed you, Dean, not once. I said I did back then but it was to hide the problem. If I told you that Dad hated me back then, you'd have told me to shut up and finish eating my spaghetti-ohs."
“Yeah, well....I didn’t think I had anyone, Sam. Okay? I did everything I knew to do to make things okay for you. You don’t know what went between Dad and me. Hell. I should have told L” Dean’s laugh ended on a sob. “Anyway. L knew he was an asshole and life wasn’t easy for me. It wasn’t for you either, Sam and you had no one to go to. I’m sorry.”
"I've got you now, right?"
“Yeah, little brother, you do.” Dean pulled Sam into his arms and held him.
Sam hugged him back, not letting go. "Never ever think it was you. I'm sorry I hid behind angry words back then. I didn't know what else to do at that age. You were my everything growing up."
Dean’s voice inflected a childlike quality when he spoke, “Really?” Sam realized just how hard things had been for his brother also, but he had not truly realized until now that Dean honestly thought everyone wanted him gone.
"Yup, really. Tell you what, after the holidays, we're playing hookie for a few days. I think it's time you and I did something fun..just the two of us."
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