Sunday, October 21, 2012
Two Points of View
I grew up in a hunting family. The only one who has always been there was Dean. Hunting was never my choice of a career. I want a degree, a normal career, a wife, children, and a home. To be honest, I felt smothered by my brother. I was always the younger brother. It was always do what I say. I got tired of it. I wanted freedom. I needed to get away. Yes, I ran away; more than once. Dean is Dad’s boy and he does whatever Dad says. He can’t think for himself. He’s embarrassing, always needy, and childish. As we worked together, I realized that he made a lot of sacrifices for me. I appreciate that more than he’ll ever know, but this year apart gave me the life I really wanted. I love my brother, but I have needs that I have to fulfill now. Dean has changed and his tendency towards violence is not normal. I don’t want to live this kind of life. I don’t want to hurt my brother, but Dean is not going to let go. He’s in denial. I have to tell him I’m going to do what I want with my life now. I’ve given enough of it to hunting. I’ve lost everyone that mattered. He’s not the Dean I remember. The Dean I knew is gone. It’s time for me to live my own life. I’m sorry, Dean.
I remember when Mom died and Dad said take Sammy and to protect him. I’ve done everything I know to keep him safe. Man, I’ve gone to hell for him. I won’t talk about the things I’ve had to do to keep him safe, happy, and give him the childhood I never had. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I love Sammy more than anyone or anything. I’d die for him again. He knows I always tried to get him back when he disappeared or died. I tried everything I could come up with to get him out of the cage. I broke my promise to not try. After Cass and I disappeared and ended up in Purgatory, one of the things that kept me sane was knowing that Sammy was hunting for me; trying to find out where I was. It hurt like hell to know he never looked at all. I’ve lost him. I know that. I’ve been trying to keep us hunting, talking like I’ve never done, and I know I’ve changed. I had to kill unmercifully to survive in Purgatory. I made deals that were wrong, but they kept me alive. Yeah, I feel bitter about it. I’m angry. I love him. He’s my brother and the thought of going alone like Purgatory is killing me. Who do I talk to? Who do I trust to have my back? My whole life has been Sam and hunting. Sammy, don’t go! I can’t do this alone. Not again.