Answers?
"Follow his example, rage against your father. He deserves it for what he dragged you two into. You both need closure on that. A part of him wants to call you weak and blames you for this but at the same time, I've heard him recant on it. So I truly believe the first part is the part under her influence."
I've never really rebelled, L. I'm not sure I know how. Instead of raging at the anger, pain, and not being loved, I drank and, well, had a lot of one night stands. It was my way of dealing with the pain. The alcohol dulled it, and the sex just felt good. So, Ruby is the cause of part of his attitude, then? That's good to know because I want to work this out somehow. He's walked more then once, but he usually ends up back with me. It's not good for him, is it?”
He shook his head. "You both need to learn to confront the issues instead of hiding from them. Neither of you will trust the other or yourselves."
“No one has ever bothered to tell us that, or that what we were feeling was because of what Dad did. Bobby thinks it, I'm pretty sure, but he never said much until lately. There have been other people who have tried to tell me I'm a better man then my Dad, but I never saw it. I always thought of myself as a failure by not being everything he wanted me to be. Words can hurt, L, especially when you need approval. Like your boys, Sam and I were pretty much orphans. Dad was hardly ever there for us. Most of my life, I've raised. Sam. I was four when he became my job. He was my job, L. When he died, I'd let Dad and Sam down. I didn't do the one thing Dad told me when I was four, that was protect Sammy. I blew it. So, I made a deal. Looking back on it, it was stupid. It brought all of this on, but I think it was all planned somehow by somebody. Unlike Sam, I don't blame anyone but me. I guess that makes me the bigger fool.”
"Unlike my boys, you didn't have a Watari to take you in and shelter you. Your father failed, not you. It's time you faced that, Dean, and let the guilt go."
“How? It's not that I don't want to, because I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of hurting. I want normal so damn bad, it hurts. You're a very smart man, L...tell me how. Watari says I have to let it out.....crying. Damn it, that was horrible. There's still too much. I'm not sure how much of that I can do.”
"Rant, vent, cry, scream. Let it out. Find an empty field and scream for all you're worth."
“You're telling me that's all it takes? I took a sledgehammer to my car after the wreck with the semi, when Dad did it to me. I was so angry. I beat the car. It didn't make it better, but this will do it?”
Dean remembered back to when he'd cried and screamed on the ground on the mountain trail with Watari. He had felt somewhat better. Letting everything come out though? It was scary. He thought about it, and knew L was right.
He nodded. "You need more time venting."
“Talking about it is not venting?”
"There's two different kinds. Letting the emotions out is something you need to do. Talking about it helps you mentally deal with it."
“But talking's no good til you vent?”
"Both are needed to become healthy."
“Talking with Watari, some of it came out. How do you do it on your own? It's second nature to bury it.”
"Habits take time to destroy and rebuild."
“You got somewhere around here where someone could do that?”
"Depends on what activity you plan to use for venting. I know of a few locations."
“Well, it sure as hell can't be anything violent. My whole right side isn't worth a damn right now. I hurt bad enough without making it worse.”
"There are sound proof rooms that would allow for you to be as loud as you want. Otherwise, you can wait until you heal." L wasn't going to chase him off.
“These rooms monitored? Most places, they would be. Just want you to know if I'm watched, I'm not taped.”
"They are but I will shut the camera off to give you privacy, but the vocal recording will still be on. We need to know where you are in the process so we can help you, but we also need to be able to hear you if you need help. There will be a panic button if you need us.
“Yeah, this injury kind of slows you down. I sure don't want to make it worse. Can I try it tonight?”
“What does the room look like? Furniture or anything, or just padded cell?”
"One is just empty. Soundproofed but empty."
“Carpeted or concrete?”
"I have two either way. Why?"
“With Watari, I went down hard, and it was a pretty rocky path. Don't know how many times I'm gonna have to go through this crap, but it needs to be done. You're right about that. Just thought the carpet might be a little softer.”
"Carpet it is then."
“Okay, let's get started. You got any idea how many times it usually takes to get this out all the way?”
He shook his head. "It varies from person to person."
Dean shook his head. “You're talking 27 years of crap, L. A lot of crap. Damn! I wish I could tell Sammy he needs to do this too. Probably not a good idea for me to talk to him right now, is it?”
"No, not at the moment. You will be a part of his recovery but only when you both are ready."
“You're right. I can think of two times when I hit him. I know it shouldn't have happened, but damn it, one time...well, something to deal with. Let's get this started then.”
L nodded. "Give me about ten minutes to disable the camera part of the system for that room. I will send someone to you. In the meantime, relax a bit and try to move a little. You have been laying down for a while."
Dean moved his legs some, and decided to try standing. The first few seconds, he felt dizzy, but he was able to walk around. His mind was working fast. He remembered raling in anger at everything. Now, he knew he was going to have to get personal. There was a lot of personal. The abuse, emotional, mental, and physical, was the hard part. Being made to take on more then he could handle was something he'd never been able to face. Damn it, he'd never been able to face any of it. That's one of the reasons why he drank and chased women. It was easier to bury and cover it then deal with it. He still had too many things to do, to protect. There'd never been time to really deal. It seemed that L was not going to give him a choice. Deal? Where do you start? “ Dean sighed. “The beginning.”
True to his word, L sent someone to Dean's door ten minutes later. This would be a familiar person, clad in his usual white garments.
Dean placed his good arm gently around Near, to hug him. “I'm glad you're moving around. How are you?”
"There is still residual discomfort but the medications are helping with that. How is Dean?”
“I found out that breaking everything in your shoulder hurts like hell, and having it done by a spinning bullet shot at point blank range, really hurts like hell. I'm gonna be all right. I guess L told you what I'm going to be doing to get myself straightened out?”
Near shook his head. "L has respected Dean's privacy. All Near knows is that Dean is to be escorted to the fifth floor."
“I'm going to start dealing with my past. Gonna be having to talk about things with either L or Watari, but this part is facing it.”
The white haired teen nodded. "Both are good to speak with."
“Yeah, they are. I have no idea how long these sessions are going to take. L said there would be no cameras. I'm assuming there will be audio though from what L said.. Am I being watched?”
"For necessity's sake, all rooms excepting personal ones are monitored."
“I have no problem except privacy in this. I don't like the idea of passing people and wondering what the hell they've seen and heard about me. Who's gonna be watching? I like to know.”
"Watari, L, or the heirs, including Near," came the quiet response. "Bobby Singer, Sam Winchester, Dean, and L's prisoner are the only other people within this building outside of those listed previously. There are servants at times."
“I can live with that. Where did Cas go?”
Near shook his head. "Unknown. The angel has been back and forth a great deal which has been a source of annoyance for Mello."
“Yeah, that's almost as annoying as his getting into your personal space. He has no notion of what that is.”
"Indeed. One of my towers was knocked over by Castiel. The tone was flat, showing as close to annoyance as Near could. He'd thrown a shoe at the angel for his carelessness.
“I would have been pissed. He doesn't think because he's not human. This the room?” Dean sounded a little nervous as Near stopped at double doors, causing the hunter to pause.
Near nodded. "Dean will be fine. There is a panic button just on the inside of the doorway."
“Am I locked in, Near?”
"No, Dean is not. The panic button is in place in case Dean requires assistance."
“So....if it gets really bad and I can't deal....or if I get hurt some how, it's for that?”
He nodded.
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