Facing the Truth - Dean
Watari looked at him with a gaze that seemed to see everything. "Dean, we need to talk."
The younger man froze. His hand played with a fork, something Watari had never seen him do, because he wasn't the type to do that. He did not look at the man sitting across from him. “I had hoped we wouldn't have to do that right now.”
Dean looked into the other man's eyes for a second, pleading in his own, and knew he didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of this one.
“What did you want to talk about?”
“Your reaction over the assault, Dean.”
“What reaction are you talking about? Which assault, Ruby's or Sam's?” The pain made his voice sound raw.
"First, Ruby's. You went into shock, Dean. While not unexpected, you need to discuss this so you can start the healing process."
“What do you want me to say? This isn't something a guy talks about, much less even admits to. What am I supposed to say? I was given a drug that made me do whatever the queen wanted, and I expected something like that, but I sure as hell never expected that demon bitch. Whether I went along with it because of the drug or not, it was rape, pure and simple. I was not consenting. So, how do I handle the fact that it was broadcast to my brother when I didn't want him to know or look at me that way. I don't want to be pitied. It happened, but he won't ever forget that, and he's gonna try and bring it up. Damn, it Watari, I can't do that. Sam's not the kind to let it go either. He's a like a Pitt bull. He'll sink his teeth in and ride me til I break or go crazy. As far as I know, there's no way to deal with this.”
"Worry about Sam's reaction to this later. There is a way to deal with it. You have to let your feelings out about it and let yourself heal. Men should talk about this because it happens to them more frequently than most know."
Dean flashed. “Let my damn feelings out? How the hell do you do that? I can't do this!”
He rose from the table, barefooted, in pajama bottoms and bathrobe, and literally ran for the door, not thinking of the consequences to his body. He turned left down the hall, took the next turn. Tears were pouring down his face, and he hit a dead end. He leaned his head against the wall, and struck it over and over with his good fist, not paying attention to any damage he might be doing. Roaring at the top of his lungs, he began to curse violently, not thinking that the entire building could probably hear him.
He started screaming at the top of his lungs for someone to make it stop, the sobs literally causing pain in his chest, as he slid down the wall, still facing it, until he was on his knees, his head still against the wall. His left hand was swollen and bleeding, and he sobbed desperately,now banging his head against the wall.
Watari was behind him, hands gentle as he braced him. This was what he'd meant, though not to the point it would hurt him.
Watari grabbed Dean's head to prevent any other injuries, turning him around. Dean leaned into Watari, and cried hard, his body trembling and in pain.
“Help me, please, Watari. Please. I don't know what to do.”
"Let it out," he murmured.
Dean was crying violently, his chest hurting from the stress he was feeling.
“I want to kill her. I just want to hurt her for this. I don't even have my knife to take out a demon. L wanted her alive. “
Dean's head came up, tears pouring down it.
"There's no release, but there's got to be.” He screamed, “Somebody please stop it!”
Watari held him. "She's gone. Exploded in a rather disgusting mess over the interrogation room. She can't hurt you anymore."
“Who? Sam? Damn him! It needed to be slow!”
"I talked to L about it. He says he's gotten enough. Your brother did that in a fit of rage..avenging you."
“Avenging me? This whole damn situation was about avenging me!”
Dean's head kept hitting Wataris's chest and he began to beat the now wounded hand on the floor. The sobs weren't as loud, but still heavy. He was gasping for air.
The older man stopped him from hurting himself. "Yes, it was a bit of overkill..but he's got a lot of anger as well."
Dean grabbed his chest, “It hurts. I can't do any more, Watari. I hurt. Damn it, I hurt. “ He cried more.
"It will heal and fade, Dean. It will." He held him close, letting him vent.
Dean quit beating his head and just leaned into the older man, his body trembling, but the crying had stopped. Once in a while, a loud sob erupted, but the trembling was intense.
The old man held him, hands soothingly stroking over Dean's back.
The younger man slowly calmed, the sobs not quite as loud. Finally, the sounds had stopped, and the trembling was much softer.
Carefully, Watari helped him up and guided him back to his room. He poured some water for him and handed the cup to him.
Dean tried to focus on the cup and finally reached for it. When he opened his hand to grasp the cup, he cried out. He looked at his hand, shock in his eyes.
“How did I do that?”
He pulled a first aid kit out of the bathroom. "Beating the wall and floor."
Dean's voice was soft, almost childlike, “Did I beat my head too?”
"You did. Not the wisest move," he said with a soft smile.
“I took a sledgehammer to my car,when I was repairing it, so I could deal with the anger of Dad's death. I've done it to myself before. Why's my chest hurting so bad?”
"Part of it, I'm sure, is due to the fact that you aggravated your injuries."
I feel like my lungs, my heart, all the way down to my gut has been shredded.”
"It will for a while. You really let loose out there."
“Am I gonna have to deal with what Sam did last night, today?”
"Not today if you're not ready." Quietly, he told him what Sam had said last night.
Dean's voice had no emotion in it, “He's sorry? I need to wait and see if I can handle another session or not, Watari, but if I do...when I'm ready, you'll be there? In some ways, this gonna be harder. Sammy did that to me last night.”
"I will be there, so will L. The thing is, I can tell he is genuine in his desire to work with you to heal."
“He is? Give me a little while, and we'll deal with last night. I can't do two days of this. We do it today. He's gonna wanna talk, so I gotta handle this first.”
"Only if you feel ready. We can keep the two of you separated if need be."
“I know that and I'm grateful, but it's gotta happen. I have no idea what I'm gonna say to him. I can't be big brother any more, Watari. He's gonna have to learn to deal without me taking up the slack. This is gonna be hard enough.”
"You can't cut him out, Dean. You need him and he needs you."
“I don't want to cut him out. It just can't be like it was. He's got to grow up and meet his own responsibilities. I can't take the blame for everything any more. Last night was not my fault, and I'll be damned if I'll shoulder that one like I used to do. I can't do that any more.”
"He doesn't want that anymore from what I could tell . He wants it to be as it should be..a partnership with his brother."
“I have to know something, Watari. He entered my mind last night, forced himself in when I told him 'no.' He forced me to come to him, by not stopping until I did. He forced the truth to come out because he thought I was a liar. He stopped me from leaving, by making me go to my knees and not be able to get up. I don't know what you call the body control he did, but was what he did to my mind...r..rr.?” The younger man couldn't get the word out.
"Which is something he will regret for the rest of his life."
Dean, looked devastated. “I've got nothing left to cry with.”
Watari nodded, handing him some medication to help with the pain.
“Would it be better to face this one with Sam? Does he need to know what he did to me? I have no idea here, what to do.”
"I think so..simply so he does understand how this affected you. You two have to communicate better than you have been."
“Then, let's do it. I have to deal now while it's raw, not cover it up.”
Watari nodded. "I'll let L know."
Dean sat back, his body hurting all over, a quiet sadness going through him, and looked up at the older man. He nodded and whispered “Thank you.”
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