Sam and Dean Part Two
“Thought I'd try again about the hunt. I kinda thought that from now on we talk them over afterward, look with fresh eyes on what we did and especially what the other did. Critique it. Things that went well, we remember to do again. Things that went bad, or could have, we talk out and explain why they could and why it won't be done again, unless the person who did it wants an ass kicking from the other, and has to take it without lifting a finger.”
He nodded. "Okay."
“I'm expecting you to be open minded on this, cause some things were very stupid. I'm not going to go into every detail of the days you were out of it. I'd be here for a week.”
"True, and I'm listening. I'll see what I can help you with here."
“First off, you were no help in that fight with Mello and Matt. You were way out of it, Sammy. L saw things. Told me you were addicted to some drug. Probably my first mistake. I imagine L thought so. I had Matt break into your phone. Took him all of 10 minutes, by the way. Got to do better then that, Sammy. Now for the mistake. I called Ruby.”
Sam's eyes closed. "No, not a mistake. You needed information and she was the one I was stupidly close to."
Dean was quiet for a moment, watching his brother. “Thank you, Sammy. Any way, I figured out that Ryuuzaki was L. I think that surprised him. We prepared for demon invasion at the hotel. I had a meal and L showed pictures of a serial killer's victims. Damn, Sammy. I nearly threw up. I don't do that easily. You would've found them interesting. I'd never seen anything like them. I went through Dad's journal, researched on a computer, and finally called Bobby. Ruby showed up when we were coming back from my baby with a pretty large arsenal. She told me you were addicted to her, Sammy.” I plugged her with rock salt and she disappeared. We moved you to L's suite and we battened down.”
"Should've killed her then," he muttered. "But yeah, timing would've been off."
“Had to know, Sam. It all happened too fast. Got back inside. Bobby called.”
Sam nodded, listening.
“The creatures were ancient, and not seen often, or no one has lived to tell. They were usually in pairs of four and a queen with two protecting males. She bred with a human though. They were preparing for a mating ritual. The brutalizing of humans was part of it. They ate parts of them. All of their teeth were fangs and fingernails were quills with some kind of chemical in it that slowed muscle tissues. The chemical can cause erratic heart rates and knock a person out. Hey, the brain's a muscle. Bobby said together under the queen they are unbeatable. Alone, one can be taken, but you have to kill the queen and get rid of the rest quickly afterward The only way to get to her is to be the human she breeds with. The only way to kill them is behead them. All body fluids burn, bad. Highly acidic.”
He shuddered. "Yuck."
“To stop all of this, someone had to be taken alive to her, sneaking a machete into the place,sleeping with her, and bringing her to the point of coming, Sam. Cutting her head off at that point and getting the hell out of there, before you get really badly burned was the only way. Others would be taking out the rest of the group. That was the plan. L wanted to get a prisoner somewhere and offer him his freedom or something to do the job.” Dean laughed.
“You know as well as I do, you can't trust someone who doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation to finish a job like that. Bobby and I got into it on the phone. What I didn't know is he packed up his truck and started that long trip from South Dakota to west Texas, without sleep. L was not happy, but I was in charge, so I told them no arguments. It was my job, Sam.”
"You know, Dean, he had a point. If he had someone from Death Row to distract her and someone come in from behind, it'd have been safer."
“Please explain to me how someone was going to walk into where she was playing with this guy, and cut her head off, without disturbing 4 other couples and two male protectors? I'm all open to an explanation of that because my mind couldn't come up with one idea how to do that, without making a noise that would pull her out of the ritual and giving them the power to kill all of us.”
Sam looked at him. "They were able to keep an eye on you," he pointed out. "I'm not attacking you, Dean, you asked for a new perspective, I'm giving that."
“We had earphones, small mikes, and body heat sensors on us. Near followed the sensors to know where we were. I couldn't keep the stuff on me. It was in the machete sheath, on my leg, that I removed and put under the foulest smelling blankets I'd ever smelled. They could do nothing when Ruby showed up. They had to listen, tape it, and wait. As it was, Cas didn't show. It was just L and Mello against nine of them. Her death messed the creatures up enough for them to be able to do it. She had to die first, Sam. No one could have gotten pass them to the chamber until she was dead. Man, she was fugly. No one who hasn't seen his share of fugly would have done what I had to do. I'm sorry, in this case, I was right. Hell, I didn't want to be. I can tell you that. It scared the shit out of me. But the job needed somebody who wouldn't bolt.”
He nodded, listening to his brother.
“One other thing. If I'd thought for one minute that L's plan would have worked, I'd would've gone with it. The thought of the possibility of having my dick being burned off did not thrill me.”
"Yeah," he frowned. "I just..damn..that's a freaky thing to face."
Dean stared at him, but said nothing. “Any way, I needed to sleep. Did you take my bottle out of the duffel? It was gone and I thought Watari took it but he denied it.”
"Bottle? Oh..the alcohol..no..it fell out of the Impala when we were packing and broke. I didn't get a chance to tell you because I hit withdrawals so bad." He looked ashamed of himself.
“No, it's okay. Watari gave me something that worked and wasn't addictive. I slept really well. I didn't see much more of him for a while. He was taking care of you. The next morning Cas showed up ordering all of us to get our stuff together. He really rushed us. Ruby had told the creatures we were there. From what I can gather, she offered them me for you.The others were just supposed to die.”
Sam winced at that.Too many people at risk because of him.
“Sam, if it bothers you, we stop now. If you want to talk about what made you wince, let's do it now, before this goes any further. What's wrong.”
"It's my fault. If I hadn't been so damned stupid, no one would've gotten hurt."
“Sam, you have those powers because you were born with them. Ruby would have wanted you whether you followed her plans or not. The creatures existed. L would have still blackmailed us to come into this. Ruby would have had an eye on us anyway. The only difference would be that you would been there to have my back and maybe get me out faster. Let's be honest you can kill a hell of a lot faster then two geniuses who'd never cut a head off before. That's the only difference Sam. Ruby would have still done what she did. She wanted me demoralized so I could not do whatever it was I had planned. She did not know my plans. She honestly thought she would be removing me. Either way, she'd have done it to get to you. It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. You can't help what you're born with.”
"I know. Logically, I understand but emotionally, it's hard. I feel so damned stupid." He was close to tears here.
“Sam, you were messed up and that was my fault. Ruby did a good job on you. Okay? Yeah, it was stupid. We've both done a hell of lot of stupid things in our lives.” Dean managed to get out of the recliner. He knelt about two feet in front of Sam's. He pushed the footrest in with his one good, but bandaged hand. Sam sat upright, and Dean reached out and grabbed his brother's shirt and pulled. Sam landed on the floor in front of him. The older one pulled him into the part of his chest that wasn't bandaged, and held him close.
“Let it out, Sam. You are dealing, like I did, and it has to come out. I don't care if you hit, scream, snarl, or whatever the hell else you do, I'm going nowhere.” Dean held on as tightly with his good arm as he could. A small smile crossed his face for a second, “Just promise not to turn me into anything unnatural.” He snickered slightly, and then got serious. “Let it out.”
"Why was it your fault? It was mine. I should've been smarter..not let her use me like that."
“Because you kept seeing me in hell, and you couldn't prevent it and you couldn't get me out. You did it for revenge at first.”
"I shouldn't have. I should've kept trying to get you out instead of thinking of getting even."
“Sam, it was all part of the plan they had to get Lucifer out. Dad wouldn't break. He wouldn't. Didn't take me long though. I broke that damn seal. Okay. They weren't going to let you near me, or let me out. I still want to know why the angels waited until I broke that damn seal. They wanted you for something else, and that worried me.”
He had tears in his eyes."Dad was a Marine..they learn to handle shit like torture and whatever. Boot camp is a nightmare. We're not trained for it. It wasn't your fault."
“I'm learning to accept that,Sam,but you were raised on blood lust and revenge. You fed it on Jessica. Before we could celebrate that one, you find out what I did. You became a killer that day, Sammy. One who didn't care about anything but getting Lilith. That's okay. You were bred for that by Dad. It's what he fed our minds, our hearts, our souls, Sammy. You are like him in a lot of ways. I thought I was, but I'm not, and that's okay with me. We are here to find out who WE are..not Dad and not Mom. Us. We both did things that we are at fault for whether we really wanted or understood it or not. We've been used, Sam. Now we got to get our act together, and get through this. So let it out. That's what I'm here for right now. That's why I'm on this floor holding you. Let it go.
It burst from him..everything..his pain at never having real parents, losing Jess, everything that had happened. The tears racked his body in painful deep sobs.
Dean held on for dear life, refusing to let go, tears streaming down his face as he felt his brother's pain and wept with him, mourning the losses, and feeling the anger. He kept whispering, “It's all right, Sammy. Let it out. Let it go. You're not alone. I'm here. I'm going nowhere.”
The tears continued, shaking him with the intensity of the storm.
Dean held on knowing that right now the pain was releasing, but soon there would be anger, and he was ready for that possibility. He represented both Mom and Dad and the losses. Hell, he'd caused one major one, the loss of him and where Sam went astray. He'd have to deal with this when Sam reached that point. He wanted to do this without Watari and L. It had to be them.
Sam cried himself out, looking haggard and exhausted once the tears had stopped.
His brother held on, and waited.
"Is it wrong to hate him so much? I think about him and I could...I hate him for doing this to us!"
“He used to be a good man, Sammy. He got screwed up when Mom died. He didn't know how to live without her. Somewhere, inside, I kinda got the blame because I looked like her, but you, Sam. You, he loved. He used to drive by Stanford to check on you. He was proud of you, but he didn't know how to tell you that. He didn't know how to love. “
“If you need to hate him, that's fine. Just don't let it hurt you. Let it all out. Get rid of the anger, the bitterness, and the hatred. Do whatever you need to do. I did and it helped. Let it out, Sam. I'm ready for it.”
"He should've loved us both! Not put one over the other..made you responsible! If he couldn't do that..then leave us with someone who could!"
“He did try that, Sam. Bobby. But he kept coming around to check on you, Sam. He would probably have left you with Bobby, but I wouldn't let you go. I wouldn't let you go. I'm sorry. It might have been different if I had.”
"It should've been both of us..not one..both!"
“It should've been a lot of things, Sammy, but it didn't turn out that way.”
"I know."
“I know you do, Sammy. I know you do.”
Dean waited for the anger and rage. He was hoping to get it all over with right here. At least this part. There would more grievances and some stupid things, but they were things that bothered Sam and would have to come. This one was major and it all needed to come out. He did not want to aggravate it so he continued to wait, striving to respond correctly.
"Dean...during that year..why didn't you fight harder to stay with me?"
“First off, I was told if I tried, you'd die. Second, I didn't know about Lilith holding the contract on me, or that there was an ulterior motive. When we were sure of a name, and as we got closer to the time, I got scared, Sam. That's when I told you I didn't want to die that way.”
Haunted eyes looked at him. "You should've told me. It felt like you didn't care that you were going to leave me alone."
“There's a lot of things in our lives that I never told you, Sam. It was for your own good. If you had known, you would done everything to make a trade. I did what I did because I couldn't bear the fact that”d I'd let you down, Sam. I was supposed to protect you, and I let you die. Hell, yes, I didn't tell you. I would do it again, Sam, because it was my job. I betrayed you and Dad by letting you die. My life wasn't as important in Dad's eyes. If I was gone, not many people would miss me. You were important. You could make something of your life. You were the college boy, Sammy. I'd do it again in a heartbeat to keep you alive. I tried to get you ready to live without me. I tried to teach what you needed to know. Did I want to die. No. Was I gonna let you know that so you'd feel guilty that I did it. Hell, no. It was better you thought that about me. Let me be the asshole, if it helped you cope in the end.”
"Fuck that! I'm responsible for myself too! You can't make all the decisions, Dean. I had a right to know that."
“Like hell you did, Sam! I was responsible for you since I was four years old. I did horrible things in my life to see to it I met that responsibility. You've no idea the things I did! I fell down on the one job Dad gave me to do. I let you die, Sam. DIE!!! I couldn't live with that. Hell, I couldn't do anything right in Dad's eyes. How could I let anyone know that I couldn't protect my baby brother. My one damn job! You had no say in that. It WAS my decision, and mine alone. Telling you the entire truth about the deal would have brought me back to square one...you dead, and me a failure. Only, there would be no second chance. Hell no, Sammy. Even in that I broke towards the end and told you. Look where it got us? Me in hell and you so screwed up it all but destroyed your life.”
"It was the damned demon who screwed up, Dean. You can't be everywhere! You're not all knowing and all powerful. Azazel dragged me to that spot with the others of his so-called chosen. You couldn't stop anyone from putting that knife in me!"
“I got there, Sam. I saw him stick that knife into you as you tried to get to me. You died in my arms. I was there!”
"You're going to have to learn that you can't be responsible for everything that happens. I was stupid, I didn't cover my back like I should have. Dean, you have to stop this."
“What? Protecting my brother? Tell me how to stop breathing, Sam, because that's not something I've learned how not to do yet. Tell me how, Sammy? For 27 years, I been responsible for you. 27, Sam. Just someone tell me how.”
“This isn't my time, Sam. It's supposed to be yours. Damn it.”
"It's OUR time, you silly idiot. Don't you understand?"
“Sam, you're trying to tell me I should've let you die back there. No. I couldn't do that, Sam. If I had, everything I'd done in my life was for nothing. NOTHING!!!!! It would have been worthless to me. Everything I did was to protect you, teach you, give you the damn life I never had. Dad kicking me out, and then disappearing, knowing I'd go after you because, for the first time, I needed you, ruined everything, Sam. You were supposed to get that degree, get the dream job you needed, get married, have kids, and be normal, Sammy. You were supposed to leave me. I still had Dad and he needed me. You were supposed to not need me. It wasn't supposed to be me needing. Okay? If I'd still been with Dad. If he hadn't gone and done that disappearing act. You'd be there now. None of this shit would be happening.”
"We're both supposed to be normal! I should've dragged your ass with me! Made you sit the SATs."
“Sammy, I had to get a GED, damn it. I missed too much school. I would never have been allowed into Stanford, man. I couldn't afford to go. You had a full ride, man. They gave you another for law school. I would never have gotten through the SATs, man. I was where I had to be. You should have finished school. I should never have come back into your life. That was my mistake. My weakness.”
"He didn't encourage you to push your education. Hell, he didn't encourage me either. I should've seen it and made you go, even if it meant guilt tripping you."
“Sam, I hunted, took care of you, and when Dad was gone, never leaving us enough money, I took care of that. I helped you study so you would make those good grades, I was exhausted most days, Sam. I told no one that. I couldn't keep up in school for two reasons. One.....I was too damn tired to try. Two....I didn't have your brains, Sammy. Look at me. I still don't always understand what someone's saying, and I make a fool out of both of us sometimes. All I know is two things. Hunting. Protecting you. That's the only life I know. It's the only thing I can do well. Well, the hunting I did well. I failed you.”
"I call it bullshit."
“You would have made a damn good lawyer, Sammy. I was on this floor holding you, expecting you to get angry about things, but twisting the conversation around on to me. That's good. It's damn good. Is this what your anger sees? Then why don't you just hit me and get it over with. I wasn't ready for this. Hitting me, I can take, but not this...not now. It isn't fair, Sam. Too much in too little time, man. I don't wanna break again. Come on, Sam.”
"I've had enough violence to last me for the rest of this life and the next two at least. Dean, you're smarter than you give yourself credit for. Who taught me to read?Who helped me with my homework?"
“Reading? Yeah. Your homework in elementary and middle school? Yeah. You didn't need me in high school, and I was missing more school then I was attending, Sam. By then, you were involved in things in school. You were finding your way, and you didn't know I wasn't. Okay. You're not gonna stop, are you? You got me by the balls and you're gonna break me on this cause you got me here. I know I need to, but damn it, Sammy.”
"You helped in high school or don't you remember my physics project? Dean, you're smart. You could've gotten into any college you wanted but were held back by Dad. I don't want to hear you running yourself down again. I don't want you to keep thinking that you're the one who has to be everything to me. All I want is my big brother!"
“I thought that was what I was doing.” Dean broke down crying at this point, still holding Sam in his arms.
"No, Dean. You're being Mom and Dad at the same time. That's not what you're supposed to do. Big brothers..you know..they buy snacks and shoot the shit with you; they're the ones getting you into trouble. Helping to hide the body type of shit," he hugged his brother now.
“But, Sammy, if I hadn't been Mom and Dad to you, your life wouldn't have been normal. You would never have been a kid, read so well, do so well in school, get a full ride. If I'd just been big brother, we'd have starved to death or been kicked out onto the streets. I never got to be a kid or a teenager, Sam, and I know what that's like. I had to keep you from that.”
Sam sighed. "I'm not saying it that well but you know what I mean. I gotta grow up sometime, you know?"
“I'm sorry, Sam You'll have to grow up now, because it's too late for me to change anything now. It's all in the past. I don't know what you want now. I wasn't your big brother, but I wish I could've been. I'm so sorry.” Dean was still crying hard, shuddering.
"You know what..you're right..it is in the past. We have a clean slate here, and I'll be damned if we let it go to waste. You be my big brother, and I'll get to annoy the hell out of you," he teased.
“Okay. Sam, I did become your big brother when you finally told me you needed that. It was just too late, by then. I'd like to be now.”
"Deal?"
“Deal,” the older man choked through the tears, still sobbing heavily. 'Definitely a deal.”
Sam hugged him carefully but as tightly as he could.
Dean rocked his brother in the one good arm he had, not letting go, tears flowing hard. He couldn't stop. He was shaking, grateful for the arm Sam had around his left side as he tried to hold him also.
"We're redoing the Winchester history and karma starting now. No more of this nonsense. We're going to do this right."
“Yeah?”
'Yup."
“How, Sammy?”
"For one, we're going to start communicating..yes, chick flick moments, big brother. It means effective talking and listening skills..which we both have to learn."
The man crying in his arm nodded, and said, “Okay, I think I can do that.
What else?”
"We need to take breaks in hunting and just have fun. We're burning out, which is another reason this has turned into such a clusterfuck."
“Okay, you say when, I'll follow.”
"Well, we have to agree on when. No one person can lead, Dean. It's a team effort."
“A team takes one leader and the rest are followers.”
"You're thinking football again. Baseball doesn't, it's a concentrated effort."
“I thought maybe you were talking football, Sammy. I'm willing to follow for a change.”
He stared at him. "I'd rather baseball."
“Last time I played baseball, Sammy, it was T-ball. Every time I get involved in something, come up with ideas, think I know what's best, I screw it up.”
"Then we talk about it before we do it Ok?"
“Sam, I'm gonna need help. I'm so scared I'll screw this up too.”
"It's a given, we're both going to screw up. It's just that we have to talk about it when we do and not be the hotheaded dickheads we usually are.
“Yeah, you're right. Talking and listening is important. Being hotheaded gets us nowhere.”
He nodded. "exactly."
Dean was finally still and the crying had stopped.
Silence was nice as it was a comfortable one this time.
Dean began to rock back and forth, holding on too tight.
"It's going to be all right, you know that, right?"
“Yeah, Sam, I know,” his brother whispered softly.
"Good, keep that in your head and I will too."
“Sounds good.”
"Good." Damn, he felt worn out.
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