Facing the Truth - Sam
Watari was in Dean's room the following morning, bearing medicine and a breakfast tray.
Matt had gotten the short end of the stick to bring the meal to Sam, which he'd done under protest.
Dean was still asleep and, unusual for him, he didn't hear Watari enter.
The older man gently tapped his uninjured shoulder. "Dean?"
Dean's eyes opened slowly. “Watari? What time is it? Please tell me I didn't sleep half my day away again? Where's Sam?” The hunter sounded nervous when he asked the question. He looked and saw the covered tray and medicines. He nodded slowly, and rolled onto his good side so he could push himself up. He felt so out of it,and he wasn't sure what was going on in his head at the moment. A small smile crossed his face.
“What new food am I getting this morning, Watari?” The older man recognized an heroic attempt at normalcy.
"He's in his room at the moment. I'm sure Matt will be annoying him soon." He helped Dean to his feet. "You have pancakes, apple slices, sausage."
“I hope you serve him the same food you serve me. He'll love it. How can I have sausage and pancakes on the new meal plan you have me on? Matt got him? Well, once things reach normal, they might just like each other.” Dean sounded doubtful about normal, and swallowed hard as he headed to the table, reaching for the water and pills.
He smiled up at the older man, “What kind of tea am I learning to drink today?”
"Honestly, I doubt it. Matt..seems to have lost quite a bit of respect for him. These pancakes are made from nuts and special grains. Sausage is turkey. And today's drink is one of my favorites, Earl Grey."
Matt sighed, plunking the tray on the table. "Hey, wake up!"
Dean took a sniff of the tea and smiled. It smells good. He took a small sip and the smile grew larger. Removing the lid, he was surprised by how good everything looked and smelled. He tried the pancakes. “Oh my gosh,” he mumbled, swallowing quickly. “Sorry. It's great.” After trying the sausage, he grinned up at Watari, “Can I come live with you?”, he teased.
Sam had not slept, tossing and turning all night. He'd come to the realization that he had raped his brother's mind and had held him against his will, and forced him to even to come to him, when he was injured and in bed asleep. His eyes and nose were red from crying all night.
He rolled over and got out of bed. “Morning,” he muttered.
Dean wouldn't quit talking, striving to keep any conversation away from what had happened the night before, and thought he was doing a pretty good job. He'd invited Watari to sit a moment, knowing the man would probably do so any way. It was more polite. He discussed all kinds of crazy things. Most of it made no sense in the context he was talking. He knew it, and he knew the other man knew it. The younger man was struggling not to panic or break down.
Watari sat down, pouring himself a cup of tea and listening to the babble. "It's up to you on the living thing, although I think you do have a job."
Matt pointed at the tray. "Food."
Dean swallowed, “I was teasing, Watari. The food is just that good today.”
Sam could feel the dislike emanating from the boy. “Thank you. You don't have to stay if you don't want to, you know. You won't offend me.”
He gave him a gentle smile. "I know, and I am pleased you are enjoying it."
"Orders," came the curt answer.
“Well, you are welcome to sit down if you've been ordered to endure me.”
The red head did that, pulling a game device out of his pocket and focused on it. He was ready to short circuit L's computer for this.
“What game are you playing?”
"Final Fantasy," he answered.
“The new one? Haven't had a chance to play it yet. I'm told it's pretty good.”
"Not bad..a bit too easy in places." His fingers moved deftly over the buttons.
“I thought that about the last one. Not a lot of games out there any more that are challenging enough. Of course, I have trouble keeping up with what's new. The job doesn't always give us a lot of time.”
Matt shrugged, goggled eyes not moving from the small screen. He was trying to keep his temper.
Recognizing the attitude, Sam shrugged and really enjoyed the breakfast, eating what Dean was eating.
His foot tapped against the floor in agitation, waiting for someone to take over for him.
“Look, if you don't want to be here, then go. Tell them whatever lie you can think of about me. What's one more offense after last night? Just tell them I kicked you out and you were afraid of me. How's that?”
Matt glared at him, pausing the game. "I won't disobey him. He says I stay, I stay. Afraid of you? Get real."
“As it so happens, you don't need to be. BUT, according to the rules around here, and what you all think, and I don't blame you one iota, you sure as hell ought to be.”
"You sure as hell have a high opinion of yourself," he muttered.
“No, I actually have a very low opinion of myself. I let that bitch corrupt me. You know that and hate me for it without even wondering why. I sure as hell wouldn't tell you anyway, because then you'd think I'm a wuss whining about all my problems. My only concern is what I realized I did to Dean last night. So just leave me alone. Sit over there, play your game, and quit tapping your f'ing feet.”
"I'll tap my damned feet if I want to. And you know what, you're a fool and a half. Really...did you even think about your brother as anything less than a muscle headed jock?"
“When I was angry, no, I didn't. But there's another Dean I know. The one who did without supper to feed his little brother, when Dad was gone longer than he said he would. When he was around 13-14 years old, I was around 9 or 10, he'd come home crying, thinking I was asleep. He always came with money those times. I panic whenever I think about what he must've been doing to keep a roof over our heads and food, clothes, and school supplies for us. I have bad imaginings about it. I can only think one thing that would make him cry like that. So yeah, I do think of him in other ways. Fool? Yeah, because I forgot those things.”
Matt's eyes were cold through the goggles. "Did you know your brother is smart? I mean book learning type of smart."
“Yeah, I did. We moved a lot. I hardly ever finished in one school for a semester. I got in to Stanford because Dean taught me and kept me caught up. I mean the hard stuff. He can do calculus and chemistry. I even had his help with physics. Yeah, he's real smart. He's the one who thinks he's stupid and that's because Dad told him he was. Dean believed everything Dad told him. He'd do anything for attention from Dad. He was so hungry for it. Smart? Dean's smarter then me. He's been raised to believe otherwise and acts accordingly.”
The red head leaned forward. "Why the f**k didn't you make sure he could catch up with you? Why the f*ing hell didn't you bother to sit down and teach him what you learned? He felt he was too dumb to learn about computers and told me about you laughing at him because he didn't know what My Space was!"
“You know, you are right. I should have done that. I wanted out so bad, and Dean wouldn't leave Dad. I completely broke all ties. I didn't answer the phone. I was an ass. It never occurred to me that Dean might want that too. He was the hunter, not me. I thought he loved his life. He sure as hell acted like it. There's a lot of things he doesn't know because he's never had a life. There's no time to just sit and teach him. The computer is used for research. I do game with it late in the evening when he's watching TV or sleeping. That's it. We go til we drop. He was begging for a few days off and I was fighting him about it, when L forced our hand. He was so upset.”
"It's your responsibility to make time to educate him. You do NOT leave family in ignorance. What if he'd needed to blend in undercover? Did you even THINK of that?"
“Look, he acts like a kid a lot of the time, than he gets tough, duty first, than he's this soft hearted guy with old ladies and kids, and he'll hit on anything under 50 with tits. He hasn't grown up. I did what I could, but there's not any time for that. Try playing FBI or higher, and he'll be fine and then just one thing and you want to kick him. It's hard. He just needs to grow up himself. He tells me I haven't?”
“Oh, and don't forget his eating habits.”
"It's called escape from reality. He hits on girls and acts like this because it's the only escape he has. He can't play the games, he can't surf the 'net. He's lived this life too f*ing long and you, you play at it. You got away while he ended up carrying the slack. God..man..you have no idea how many people would kill to have a brother..much less someone like Dean who would do anything for his family."
“Look, I love Dean. I hurt him, badly. I was angry at him for being that brother. He died because he had me brought back from the dead. He went to hell and I spent four months trying to trade myself for him, but they wanted him. The only way to get him back was get Lilith. She held the contract. I was working on that with Ruby. That was a major screw up but I was on the verge of suicide”
“When he came back, he wanted things to be like they were, and they couldn't be. I'd grown the wrong way and I sure couldn't tell him. I'd promised I wouldn't. But he was lying too. Said he didn't remember hell. He remembered it all right..every minute of torture done to him and what he did to others and how he liked giving it to others after he'd suffered. Dean? It didn't matter he was crying. All I saw was weak. It was wrong, but in my state at the time, it's what I saw and I wanted out and I left him most of the time on his own. I was a fool. Okay. I did everything wrong, but he did too.”
"He hasn't denied that. But I'm talking about actions stemming back before this hell nonsense started. You're an idiot, you know? Almost everyone in this building has no family. There's no Dean in our lives to keep away the nightmares or help us when we're frustrated. All we have is each other and ourselves. I see you and see what you've done and I could cheerfully throw you into a pond of piranha. You don't deserve having a family." There was a lot of anger and bitterness in his voice.
“You know, you are right. I don't deserve Dean. All I could see was he and Dad running my life. Well, Dad did and Dean ran interference instead of doing something about it. I ran away to Stanford to have normal. I don't remember, Mom. She's was Dean's, not mine. I was six months old when she died. She was his great loss. His family. Dean, well, Dean took good care of me and deserved better then I gave him. All I knew was he wanted to stay and hunt, and I couldn't. I needed to be normal. He didn't seem to want it. Hell, he never would tell me anything about what he thought or felt, or why he'd come home late at night, crying, with money to take care of us. He kept me out, so I left. Yeah, it devastated him, but I didn't know. That's another thing he didn't tell me. It was Bobby who told me that Dean didn't talk much because he was protecting me, giving me what Mom would have given me. How the hell was I supposed to know that?”
"Observation and common sense, which you seem to lack," came the acidic response.
"Matt," came a soft tone. The red head turned to find L standing in the doorway. The teen went to him and a hand was gently placed on his shoulder as the two seemed to hold a silent conversation. Sam would be able to see the tension drain from the gamer's frame.
Sam was resting his forehead in his hands. He was shaking, agreeing wholeheartedly with what the kid had said, and his mind kept going back to last night. Dean?
Matt disappeared and L shuffled his way to the table, crouching in a seat. "Matt and the others are somewhat sensitive to the issues around family."
“Yeah, well dream families don't exist. If you're a Winchester, it's hell. I can't explain it but I love my brother more then life itself, and I hate what he can be, because he runs my life, won't let me be me, and he embarrasses me at times. I know I do things that drive him just as insane. I just want to really talk it out and make a new start with things like they should be between brothers. Dean never was a kid. He was Mommy and Daddy to me starting at age 4....not counting he didn't talk for a year. Mom's family thought he was a freak and didn't want him. Bobby took us. Dean never got to be normal but he tried...he really tried to make mine that way. I did wrong by him. I hurt him right and left. Then I ran. When I came back, we fought all the time. Than Dad showed back up. He almost killed Dean. Doesn't matter he was possessed. It was Dean. I should have killed Dad and Azazel would have been gone, but I couldn't. None of this would have gone on.”
L simply listened, thinking on the words. "Perhaps, perhaps not. What is important now is for you to think clearly, realize your behaviors and habits, and find ways to change that."
“I know. If I can't, Dean and I are destined for a very short-lived, horrifying life and I, for one, don't want that to happen. I want to see Dean with a wife and a half a dozen kids. He needs at least that many. Me, I'd like to finish my degree but not in law now. I'd get one in business and see if Dean wants to open a mechanic's shop and I could run it. Be real family. Sunday picnics or barbecues, the cousins playing. The wives visiting. That is what I want for us. Crazy, huh? I mean, we kill for a living.”
"Not crazy. It is an admirable goal for either or both of you. You should discuss this with him once time allows for it."
“I want to heal and I'll do whatever it takes to get there. Is this our first session? Will I be handed back and forth between you and Watari? How far down the line will Dean be included? I did not sleep last night because of what happened. Do you realize that I raped his mind last night? I forced him to come to me and then I literally drove him to the floor so he couldn't leave. I was no better then Ruby to him. We've had fights before but it was one on one. Last night, the battle was one sided. Dean didn't have a chance. He's gonna be afraid of me now.”
"I know exactly what you did. Watari is with him right now because his gentler touch is needed. As far as including you with him, we shall have to see how quickly the two of you progress."
“I understand that I can't rush this. Too much time to go through. Too many angers, too many hurts, and way too much Dean has held inside of himself. Dad always told him it was his fault. He finally came to believe it, and it used to cause more arguments. I'd see that look on his face and I wanted to hit him. Watari gonna deal with it now? He won't be able to to deal with waiting because he'll know it will be first on the agenda now. Mello's right about one thing, Dean is smart.”
L nodded. "Right now, we need to focus on you instead of your brother. Dean is in good hands."
“Okay. Where do you want to start? I'm open here.”
"First of all, your thoughts on what you have done in regards to the demon blood. Yesterday, you were adamant you did not have a problem."
“I didn't see it as a problem. I saw it as a means to an end...destroy the demon who had destroyed Dean. I was too blind to anything else. I was like Dad over the yellow-eyed demon. Nothing else mattered. I couldn't see that I was doing more damage to Dean and to me then anything else had. Dean quit trying to reach me, and I was relieved. The blood fed my ego, and to be honest, I needed that. At least I thought I did. I was always in Dean's shadow. I didn't like being there, and Dad didn't like it either. I never understood that, and I still don't. Dean was good at it. Damned good. I'm good at it, and I can guard Dean's back. I can research the computer better then him. He can go through it with me and be uncomfortable at times, but at others he's brilliant. Send him out alone and let him flirt, cut up, or whatever, and he'll come back with the most incredible information. He keeps telling me I'd do better if I lightened up. I'm too much like Dad. I don't know how to do like he does. Bobby says he's Mom, not Dad. Back to the blood, I thought it was increasing my powers, but they are still there, just as strong. Ruby led me on to gain control. I had no idea that is what she was doing. I have had this feeling that I'm a monster ever since I found out the yellow-eyed demon gave me his blood in my crib that night Mom died. I just thought I could do something good with it. It just went from bad to worse.”
L's voice was soft. "Human evolution is a tricky thing. There are more and more people being born with special gifts all the time. I work with others that have extraordinary high IQ's. Samuel, you were chosen because the demon knew you had potential. The blood..just woke it."
For a second, Sam reminded L of Dean. The hopeful, almost wistful look and the question was very much his big brother. “You really think so?”
"I know so." He opened the folder and slid a document towards Sam "I did research on this from viable sources. This is the latest population count of humans with extra talents." The number had been surprising.
Here, the difference in education showed. Where Dean would have asked for an explanation, Sam read it and looked up and asked , “That much?” The important thing to L was that Dean would ask.
He nodded, not surprised by Sam's question. He'd read on the other's history and knew the man was intelligent. Granted, nowhere near his level but still. "Yes, it surprised me as well."
“I've never read that before. Thank you. Maybe I'm not a monster after all, but was led to believe I was. Why me? Why not Dean? What's the difference between us? Demon blood triggering it?”
He shook his head. "Dean's gifts may have led towards another area. Could be a time frame the first demon was looking at. I have no answers as the demon in question is no longer living. Those questions are something you will have to set aside."
Sam nodded, looking back at the paper. “Well, it's not that important. I just wondered about Dean, if it's in the bloodline. Lilith might know. She was involved with Azazel to a point, I think. I'm not really sure, but it wouldn't hurt to ask her before she's dead.”
“I'm just very curious what Dean's gifts might be and what direction they took, and why they never manifested. I know I'll probably never know. If something strange happened, Dean would freak out and hide it so deep it would never develop.” Sam smiled, thinking about Dean doing such a thing.
"He could be tested later, if he agrees. As far as Lilith, I do not believe she may be as in the know as you believe she is." He frowned slightly.
“I won't persuade him to have those tests, but you can try. He's more liable to think they are a curse and he somehow got fed demon blood too. I don't want him looking askance at me, thinking I slipped him something in his sleep. I'm trying to heal a relationship, here. If it hasn't manifested, it's possible he doesn't have any. Can we leave it at that??
“Lilith not know much? Why do you think that?”
L nodded. "It can be left at that, and I believe it to be thus due to things the demon has said under interrogation."
Sam frowned, “Ruby? She knows things about Lilith and Azazel? Damn!”
He held a finger up. "That is not your concern, Samuel. Your concern now is regaining your mental health."
“But I was heavily involved in this. We can't let it just go. She's out to cause the apocalypse and free Lucifer. I have to kill her. If I can't do it for some reason, someone needs to.”
"Lilith will be attended to. However, your part in that is finished. You are not healthy enough to be in her presence. What means more, your revenge or the health and well being of yourself and the relationship with your brother?"
L could see tears in Sam's eyes. “My whole life after watching Dean be torn to pieces by hell hounds while she stood there and watched, has been killing her. You are right though, much as I hate to say it. Dean is more important to me, and I do have to have him back. She got what she wanted from it. I still don't believe he's the one to prevent this, but it's out of my hands now. I do want to be completely normal. I can just keep these powers on the back burner in case they are needed on a hunt or something. Dean was right. I should have listened to him, and never lied to him. He tried to lie to me when I hounded him about hell. I knew he was. Finally, he told me some of it. Later he broke and confessed it all. I didn't help him after he did. He was hurting, and all I could think was he's weak and I'll get her for it. What a fool I'd become. Even when he's weak, Dean's stronger then me.”
L's dark eyes looked into Sam's. "Did you ever stop to think that originally, Dean did not remember hell? The human mind has been known to put things into an area so that the trauma would not be dealt with."
“You mean that something brought it back to him? I must admit that he didn't start drinking right away. Damn, Alistair? When we helped Anna. That had to be it. It all started after Anna found her grace and disappeared.”
He nodded. "Something triggered the memories and reinitiated the trauma to a deeper level. It could be he was having flashes but didn't understand them. Dean was truthful to you, Samuel.
“To a point, L. He kept up that 'truth' even after he started remembering. He was drinking all the time. It was the first thing he did when he got out of bed. He did during the night when he had the nightmares. The lies did start, but they didn't last long. He told me he remembered but wouldn't talk to me about it. Later, he told me, but it didn't stop the drinking. He doesn't seem to be drinking now, though. You help him with that? If you did, thank you.”
"Simply put, there's no alcohol in the building. We are helping him to develop healthy sleep cycles. And the lying, as you put it, was an effort to protect you."
“Protecting me? How was it protecting me?”
He pulled the sucker out of his mouth to answer the question. "Your father had it in his mind to keep you from being exposed to this supernatural world for as long as possible. In Dean's mind, what happened in hell was a form of rape..mental and emotional. He feels dirty inside and is trying to keep you protected from that. From the darkness he feels. A darkness he wants to keep you from being corrupted by."
“I can't buy my father caring that way about me, but he didn't want me involved as heavily as Dean was. Dean didn't want it at all. Dean's feelings...yeah, I can see that going through his mind. The sad thing is I had more darkness inside of me then he could even imagine. He's the innocent one..not me.”
"In a way, you both are. From what I understand, you originally were looking for a way to save him. It was the demon's influence that warped your thoughts from saving him to avenging him." L pointed that out. Guilt was one thing but unnecessary guilt was another.
L was finding out quickly, that in some ways, Sam was easier to help then Dean. Understanding appeared in his eyes, and he nodded.
“Thank you. I needed to hear that, and not from Dean, because he'd just take it on himself and tell me it wasn't my fault.”
"I am not saying you are truly blameless in this. However, there were circumstances that led to it. Your habit of internalizing things is not healthy and was a negative factor."
“I'm not stupid, L. I know that I'm not blameless. I did do it. I lied to Dean and led him to believe I had stopped. He saw me use the powers. When we got to our motel, he hit me, hard. I tried to reply and he hit me again. He knew the dangers better then I did, I guess, and I knew them. I was being a fool, and he knew it, but I'd lied to him. I kept denying it to him. That was a major break between us and we weren't the same after that. I broke us. Yeah, I'm not blameless by a long shot.”
Sam laughed, “I wish someone like you had been around when we were younger and dealing with our Dad. Internalizing was self preservation. I learned it by watching Dean deal with life as my protector, dealing with blame for things he did, and God help me, I did, and never being good enough for the man he adored. Internalizing actually kept us sane at one point. It just became a noose around our necks. We used it as an escape mechanism...accept what you are, what you think you did, and bury it. Dean's a master at it, and I learned from the master.”
He nodded. "Some internalizing is always needed but you two..do it entirely too much and then wonder where the bad habits and fights come from."
“I'm not making excuses for myself or for Dean in this, but there was never anyone to tell us any different. Dad hauled us both off and we seldom saw Bobby after that, and not much of Pastor Jim. We did the best we could as two kids growing up on their own. It was survival. Even after we grew up, no one ever said it was wrong.”
Another nod. "You have to learn healthier skills in dealing with things. Otherwise, you will be right back to where you are now."
Sam bowed his head as he thought over the words L had just said. “I don't know how. If you do, then here I am....teach me.”
"That is why you both are still here." A notebook was set in front of him. "I want you to look back and write down the ways you handle stress and emotional situations and why you believe it is the right or wrong way. This may take you some time. I will work while you do so."
Sam picked up a pencil he found on the table and pulled the notebook towards him, and began to write.
L pulled a laptop out of the bag he'd been carrying and perched it on his knees, typing filling the room with the sound of hurried clack of keys.
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