Sam and Dean Face Each Other
"Relax while you can. I will be back soon."
Dean nodded, but did not leave the chair at his table.
Watari exited the room, intent on giving L the message.
Dean, leaned his bruised head way back, sighed, and trembled slightly. He sat back up.
A short while later, there was a soft knock on his door.
Dean's eyes widened and he stiffened for a minute. Willing himself to calm down, a voice very raw and hoarse from his screams, the roar,and crying, softly said, “Come in.”
A small figure in white came in, bearing a steaming cup. "Near has something for Dean."
A sob escaped the older man's lips for a second. “Oh god. Near. Thank you.”
A cup of hot chocolate was pressed into Dean's hand while the white haired genius sat beside him.
“You won't get in trouble giving me this? Thank you so much.” Dean was quiet for a moment, then he looked at Near. “Sam's coming.”
"L is having Sam Winchester meet in a neutral room on a floor below this. It was L's suggestion that Dean enjoy this cup before heading down. Watari and L will be there with both Dean and Sam Winchester."
A single tear slid down the hunter's face. To Near, he looked worn out, eyes bloodshot and red and swollen. His nose was red. He had not been able to shave well, and a beard was forming. His hair had spiked everywhere. The bruise on his forehead was turning almost black. Near looked at his hand and saw the bandages on it and how swollen it looked. He looked up at Dean, who stared back at him.
Gray eyes watched him. "Dean should drink the chocolate. It might help." Near really wasn't sure what to do to help him.
Dean smiled, and took a small taste, eyes closing and a smile formed for a second. He looked at the young man. “L is a wise man, my friend.”
White hair bounced around his face as Near nodded. "L is that."
“How much time do we have?”
"It will not begin until Dean is ready. L has informed Sam Winchester of this, who has agreed."
The hunter sat, quietly drinking the hot chocolate, struggling inside to gather strength for the meeting with Sam. He was grateful for Near's quiet companionship. He finished the hot chocolate, set it down, closed his eyes, his face grim. He opened them, turned and smiled. “Well, let's do this.”
Near nodded, his hand - the one not in a sling - reached for Dean's for a moment to squeeze it.
Dean carefully squeezed back, the bandages and swollen joints making it difficult. He smiled at the boy. “You're a very special friend, Near. I'm grateful for you.”
"Near is also pleased with the friendship with Dean."
Dean's smile finally reached his eyes, and he squeezed again,wincing softly, but not regretfully. “Let's go. Is he already there? I don't want to go there and then have to wait.”
"The group is waiting for Dean."
“I guess we part here, or are you escorting me to the room?”
"Near will escort Dean to the room. L believed it would help Dean to have a familiar face with Dean and Near volunteered."
“Thanks, Near, but don't be overdoing it. I did that today, but it was necessary, I guess. No idea what's gonna happen in that room. You don't tell anybody this, okay? I'm scared, Near. What happened last night scared me. “
They left the room and headed down a side corridor to the elevators. Once on, Near pressed floor 2.
"Dean has no reason to feel ashamed for feeling fear. Dean has gone through a great deal in a short amount of time."
“I know, but he's my brother.”
The elevator stopped and Near led Dean to a room on a main corridor.
“I guess this is where you leave. Thanks, Near.” Dean pulled the boy into a light hug, both of them too banged up to do more. “I'll see you later.”
Near hugged him back. "If Dean needs Near, have L call for Near."
“I will, and I know you'll be there.” Dean was saying it to encourage himself with the knowledge. He stood and watched Near leave. He turned and faced the door, closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, opened them, and knocked.
Watari answered the door, inviting him in with a gentle smile. The room had two arm chairs and several couches. L was in a chair in his usual perching position.
Dean entered and stopped inside the entrance, searching the room, taking in everything, missing nothing. He knew how bad he looked, but his nerves were such that he didn't consider it important. He was almost sick to his stomach. He kept looking until hazel eyes met brown ones. Everything froze. He held his breath, unable to take one.
The older man touched his back. "Let the breath release and take another one before you turn blue."
Dean looked into Watari's eyes, released his breath, and took another. He slowly walked across the room to the other armchair, figuring it would be easier to get out of in his condition. He slowly sat down and waited, not sure at the moment what he should say or do.
Watari took a seat as well before L broke the silence. "A lot of the healing needs to be done with the pair of you talking."
Dean's gut was churning, not sure where this was going to go. He remained quiet. He knew he ought to take charge of the conversation with his brother and lead into it, direct it, but he knew he couldn't. Last night, compounded with the memories from the recording was a double whammy, and he'd only dealt with half of it, and was not quite sure how that was working out yet, other then him hurting like hell, and feeling half numb inside. He looked at Sam, not meeting his gaze this time.
Sam broke the silence first. "I'm sorry. I had my head up my ass, listening to her when I should've been open and honest with you completely. What I did...I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I want this..I want us to work again..be the team we were meant to be."
“Sam, I...I'm so messed up right now. I accept the apology, but it's gonna take some work for me to get over this. Last night...I...” Dean shook his head, struggling to get words out and unable to do so. “Sammy, I love you.” Sam's big brother started sobbing.
"I love you too, Dean, more than you know. I screwed up so bad, broke the trust. I'll do anything to get that trust back." He wanted to hug him so bad. "I want to help take care of you just like you did me when I was growing up. I want to be there."
“Why the hell would you want to take care of me, Sam? No one in this family ever wanted to do that, and you guys got upset when I'd get injured because you had to. I'm a damn bad patient, I know, so why would you care now?”
"Because I was a damned fool."
Anger rose inside Dean. He was struggling to keep it back. “You want to have the trust back? Then tell me why you mind fucked me last night? And then tell me how it won't happen again? Make me believe it, Sammy. Cause I want to believe it. I really do, but for the first time in my life, I'm scared of you.”
Sam did something neither Watari or L had anticipated. He slipped off the couch and dropped to his knees in front of Dean, head bowed. "I was stupid..I was angry and couldn't believe I was in the wrong. My head was that f*ed up. It's still not straight but getting there. God..I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am."
Dean could hardly see for the tears he was holding back, after he had choked back the sobs. He reached out his bandaged hand and touched Sam's hair.
“You've no idea how hard this is, Sam. First Ruby, and then you. I felt like maybe you'd sold me out, cause she thought you were gonna kill me. Were you that messed up, Sam? Would you have killed me? Last night made me wonder? Could you have done that?”
"I'll be honest, Dean, I hope I wouldn't have..that there was a part that wouldn't let me. But a year ago, if you'd asked if I'd been capable of doing what I did and I would've said no. I don't want to hurt you..god, I don't. I don't like what I've become."
Dean stared into his face, a sad look in his eyes. He nodded. “How do you plan on getting rid of that part of you, Sam? I..I...then it was possible last night, that if you hadn't believed that recording, I'd be dead right now? Not definite but possible.”
"I don't know, Dean. I can't answer that because the person I was before that recording is someone I don't recognize. I've lost myself..badly."
Dean's head was raised high and he nodded, biting his bottom lip. “Okay, I just wanted to know where we're starting from. Hell, we've got a lot of work ahead of us, Sammy. I want to be able to trust you to have my back, not stick a knife in it.” Dean tried to laugh as he made the joke but it broke on another sob that he was struggling to choke back. “I don't want to hurt you. I want this more then you can know. I got to be able to trust you, so we take this slow. I want to get to the point where L and Watari don't feel they need to be in here, because I'm not scared of you anymore. Can you do that? I want us to start eating together, just talking normal stuff. Not this every time we meet. I want to feel comfortable around you again.”
He nodded, tears in his own eyes. "You got it."
Dean looked at L and Watari, “There's cameras all over the gardens. Sam, wanna go for a walk in them. We can just talk, and, if you want, I can tell you about the hunt and how Near and I ended up getting shot.” Dean kept his eyes on the others, looking for an okay.
L nodded. "You will be monitored for safety's sake." Sam gave him a soft smile. "I'd like that."
Dean's eyes were still on the other two, “Thank you, L.” He turned and looked at Sam, still on the floor. “Let's go.”
The younger brother rose, offering a hand to help Dean to his feet.
Watari gave him an encouraging smile, proud of the steps made so far.
Dean looked at the preferred hand, and then up into his brother's face. He looked at the hand again, and reached up and took it. With a slight pull, Sam was able to get the older man back on his feet, surprised at how slight he felt. His brother had lost weight.
The hunter led the way outside the room and to the elevators. They both entered, and the injured man poked 1, the ground floor button, with one finger on the bandaged hand. He leaned against the back of the elevator for support, watching his brother between half lidded eyes.
Sam broke the ice with a soft tone. "Near, is that the little one that brought you to the door?"
Dean froze, looking at his brother closely. “Yeah, he is autistic with aspergers. He's a genius, but no emotions. He's been more aware of giving of himself with me then he has any one, but I'm not sure he recognizes it. I kind of think of him like I would a son. He's special to me, Sam. He can't handle sunlight because he's albino, but he walked with me in it once. I care about him a lot.
"The brief glimpse I saw of you with him, I can tell he means a lot to you. You'll make a good dad, honestly."
“I wish he really was mine. He won't be, because L has special plans for him. I think he's being groomed to be L's heir. He's the closest I'll ever be to being a Dad. Lisa sure won't let me near Ben, and she told me he wasn't mine, but he sure felt like it.
The elevator stopped and the door opened. Dean let Sam exit and slowly followed him. He turned left and headed to the corridor that reaches the nearest exit doors at the rear of the building. When they reached the doors, he looked at his brother.
“My left hand got banged up. Can you open the door?”
Sam nodded, opening it for him. "We could always ask him to look into it."
For a second, Dean felt a rush of excitement, but let it die off. “What's the point, Sam. My life isn't any different then it was when she said she didn't want someone who couldn't be there. As a matter of fact, this side of hell has given me less time. How would I protect a wife and child?”
"I bet she'd take you if you were running a business and not hunting any more."
“You think the demons and the angels are just gonna let us ride off into the sunset? “ Dean stopped at looked up at his brother “Business?”
"We do need a goal though, Dean, something to push us forward and stay alive." He looked at him. "I was thinking..you really enjoy working on cars and stuff. Thought maybe..we could open a business together. I could handle the books." He was close to blushing now.
“Running a business is more then handling the books, Sam. Can you do buying and selling, ordering parts, advertising, and customer service? I open a shop, I want to rebuild damaged vehicles, I get for next to nothing, and sell them. You see where I'm coming from? We'll need a salesman, because I will be full time in the back. Can you do all that? If not, are you willing to learn to do all that?”
Sam nodded. "I can. I'm sure I have the Winchester gift for schmoozing in me somewhere," he said with a laugh. "But I can see us working together on that, Dean. I really..really want it...as long as you do too."
Dean had stopped walking and was looking straight into his brother's face, reading him, like he used to do, sizing him up. “I like Winchesters' Garage and Car Lot.” He started walking again, and it took Sam a minute to realize that Dean had meant Winchesters' as plural ownership.
A big grin..the first seen in a long time..spread over the younger one's face. "I like that idea."
Dean was in front of him, so Sam didn't see the smile, or the laugh wrinkles appear at the corners of his eyes.
“You realize there may be times, when we get a call for a hunt, we might have to take, or I might want to help L out if it's something he needs help on? Temporary stuff.”
Dean kept his promise to keep Sam out of L's business, but Sam needed to know there might be a time when Dean would help out a friend who'd done so much for them.
"Well, I figure the occasional hunt or something will keep us from getting bored."
“Fair enough. We don't lose our edge. Let's sit over there. I can't walk too far yet. I had a rough day today, too.” Dean led the way to the bench that abutted the tree in front of the pond with the fountain, where he and L had talked.
Sam nodded, moving to the bench and sitting down.
Dean leaned his head against the tree trunk, his eyes closed, inhaling the fresh air. He smiled softly. Sam noticed the dark circles under his eyes, and the massive bruise turning black on his forehead. He took a closer look at the bandaged hand. It was definitely the knuckles, and the hand was turning black and had swollen badly. He looked at his brother again, wondering what the hell he'd gotten into.
"It's pretty out here," he murmured, still pondering the injuries that hadn't been there last night.
“If you're gonna stare, Sam, why doncha' just ask?” Sam blushed, wondering how Dean could always do that.
"You weren't this dinged up yesterday."
The words came softly, “Yeah, Sam, I was. They were just all inside.”
He winced at that, looking down. "I'm sorry," came the quiet answer.
“No, it's okay to ask. Watari told me this morning that I had to deal with what Ruby did to me. It wasn't pretty. I ran off. I was roaring in anger, screaming in pain, and I cried like I've never cried before. I couldn't get it out, so I start beating the wall with my one good hand. When I finally slid to the floor, I starting banging my head on the wall, too. I don't know what I was doing. I didn't even realize I'd done it. I lost total control, Sam. It was terrifyingly painful. I hurt inside now. Every muscle in my body. My chest hurts, my heart aches some. It hurts to breath. That's what this is, but it's better then inside me.”
He nodded. "It's funny, you always joked about chick flick moments but honestly, we really should've had more of those."
“Yeah, I know. My first one was family on the side of a mountain with Watari. The second was in a secure room and it was Mom, Dad, and what stemmed from her death. I never told you much about that time. You only know I saw something. It was a lot more, Sam.”
He looked at his brother. "When you're ready, I want to hear it."
Dean looked at him to see if he meant it. “Okay, now is as good a time. Watari said to not keep things from you any more. I'm not. If you mean it, I'll tell you.”
"I mean it, Dean. I want to be the one you can talk to...and I want you to be the one there for when I need someone."
“Sammy, that would mean the world to me. Give me a second and I'll tell you. I've had this out, so I shouldn't get too messed up over it,” his brother tried to say jokingly.
"Doesn't matter if you do..it just means it's healing," came the quiet understanding response.
“You mean that? Cause if it's just gonna be a chick flick moment with nothing more, then I won't talk.”
"Dean, I'm not going to lie anymore. I know you don't have reason to trust me but I'm going to bust my ass to prove myself to you."
“Sam, you have no idea how much that means. Give me time, please. It's what I want too. I'm just very leery right now, but it is what I want. If you've got no problem with it, I'll tell you what really happened that night and the days after.”
"I do want to know."
“You turned six months old that day, Sammy. I was two and a half months shy of being five years old. I was going through a stage of not wanting to go to bed. Dad had come up and Mom had me in her arms, and we were leaning over your crib so I could say good night to you. Dad leaned over and kissed you and took me in his arms and we all three went to my room. They were planning on making me a new room for a big boy. You were gonna get my room. They told me to go to bed. It got quiet, but I kept hearing things. I got up and went to your room. Mom was asleep, and I think Dad was downstairs watching a war movie. I could hear guns and planes. I peeked into your room, and you weren't alone, Sammy. He turned and looked at me and his eyes glowed. I froze, scared to death, but he ignored me. Mom came in and he went 'shh' to her. She left. I was never more scared in my life. She didn't see me, only him.”
“I heard Mom go downstairs and then she was stumbling back up the stairs and ran into the room. I swear, Sam, she knew him. I know now why she did, but back then, I didn't know that. He'd been leaning over you. He turned on her, and she went up the wall, and...and she split open, blood going everywhere. She was screaming.” Dean choked for a moment.
Sam listened, eyes wide.
Dad ran in the room calling Mom's name. He didn't see me either. I was huddled in a corner by the door, scared witless, man. He came over and looked at you. He had his hand in the crib whispering to you. Mom was on the ceiling by this time and he didn't look up. The blood started dripping, he looked up and started screaming her name and she burst into flames. At that point, I quit talking, Sammy. Nothing. Dad grabbed you and gave you to me and told me to get you out of the house and to take care of you. He gave you to me, Sammy. I took care of you my whole life, cause he never asked me to stop or let him do it. He never did, so I did his job and Mom's. Best I could Sam. “
“Dad finally came out and held you and I sat next to him. We finally went to Mom's Uncle and Aunt. We stayed there for a while. Dad got a message from someone who told him something about evil. I didn't know it at the time, but I read it in his journal. You've read it so you know. He started disappearing for days on end. My Aunt was nervous around me. I looked too much like Mom, I didn't talk at all, and that wasn't natural according to her. Mom's Uncle said that you could stay, but I had to go. Dad was gonna do it. Just chuck me somewhere and forget about me. He would never make time to visit two of us, Sammy, and you were his favorite, you know. Anyway, he'd told me it was my job to take care of you, and I wasn't about to let him take you away from me. I slept with you every night back then. The three of them got in a fight, and Dad packed us up, threw me in the back seat to watch you, and we headed to Bobby's. He left us there for two years.” Dean stopped for a moment and swallowed hard.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
“Bobby got worried because Dad came so seldom. When he showed up, he'd stay an afternoon or an evening, and then leave. He'd hold you, Sammy, going on about how special you were, and how glad he was that he got there in time to save you. How Mommy died trying to save you. He and Bobby had a lot of fights about me. I never smiled,. I didn't talk. Dad had no time for that.”
Sam was close to tears as he listened to this, heart breaking slowly but steadily.
“Two years later, he came back to stay for a while. I was starting to talk, but I never left you. I was afraid that thing would come back and try to hurt you. Dad wanted me then. I was six years old. Old enough to learn the family business. Best time I ever had with him, he put a gun in my hand. I aced every shot and he was so damned proud. He slowly began training me and we left Bobby's. I never went on a hunt til I was much older. What mattered was I knew what to look for and I could shoot. I could protect you. That's what I did, Sammy. He didn't let me be a kid. I became Mom and Dad. I raised you the best I could. I did whatever I had to so you had what you needed. It didn't matter what it took, you were mine to care for. That's what really happened.”
“That's why I'm the way I am, and why I treat you the way I do. I'm sorry.”
There were tears slowly sliding down Sam's cheeks. “No, Dean. You have nothing to be sorry for."
“I've treated you like a kid. I have bad table manners, which I am trying to correct, but no one ever taught me. I sometimes act like a fool. It's just wanting to feel like a kid for a minute. I clam up and don't tell you things because I wanted you to remain innocent and have a normal life, and it's a throwback to that. When you found out, I wanted to cry because I knew he'd make you a hunter, after he punished me for letting you know. I'm sorry. You should have had a normal life. I didn't get it for you. I did try.”
“I'll admit it hurt when you went off to school the way you did, but I was proud of you for getting that full ride at Stanford. You were going to be somebody important. I even understood why you didn't take my calls. Me hanging around would bring hunting back into your life and you couldn't have that and be normal. I should never have come after you. I just missed you, and I didn't want to look for him alone. I ruined your life.”
“There it's said, more then I intended.”
"I ruined my own life, Dean. Dad ruined our lives. He should've gotten his head together faster and realized there were two sons who needed him."
“I don't know, Sammy. I'm not even sure what needing somebody is. You were the one who needed him. I wanted him to be proud of me and to want me around. Hell, when you went of to college, I wasn't needed any more. He went off on his own. I ran my own hunts. Who knows? Maybe that's one of the reasons I came after you. If you were there for me to keep an eye on, Dad would want us both back.” Dean smiled a strange smile, and started to stand up. “It must be close to lunch time, don't you think?”
Sam caught his hand carefully. "Dean..we did need him..both of us and all he wanted were little soldiers. Thank you...thank you for being there."
“You don't have to thank me for that, Sammy. You were my life, you know. I'd have died rather then let anything happen to you.”
"I'm so sorry I didn't treat you better. I was a spoiled brat."
Dean almost laughed, “You were a normal kid, Sammy. I expected you to do that. It's normal. I was Mom and Dad. You were bound to give me hell. That's normal to.”
"Still, I was a brat," he said to him.
“When you left, that was normal, and when I hurt, that was normal too.”
"You shouldn't have to hurt."
“Sure I should have, Sammy. You don't think that Moms and Dads don't hurt when their kids move out? You were my kid.”
Sam looked sad and hurt. The last thing he'd wanted was to cause Dean pain.
“I've caused you pain, Sam. It's part of being family. We need to understand these things and let them go.”
"I know," was the quiet answer.
“I wanted to share things with you so you could understand why some things happened the way they did. Why we're the way we are. It was a big, screwed up mess, and I did all I could think of to do to take of you. I don't want sadness. It's past. You just need to know the past so you can understand and let go.”
"As long as you do that with me, Dean. Do you know..there is still a thought that comes on occasion. That if I hadn't been born, you'd still have a happy life with Mom and Dad. No hunting, no demons..just a normal life."
“No, the demon wanted a Winchester kid and he knew you were the one. If you weren't born, I wouldn't have been either. He'd never have made the deal to save Dad. If I had been born, I would know somehow, because you and I were meant to be, Sammy.”
He nodded, still looking miserable.
“It's our life, our history, and our legacy, Sam. What we do with it determines what we are. We've been fools with it for too long. Now, we wise up. We become brothers, equals, partners. It doesn't have to be miserable. I want that garage, partnership, and both of us with wives and kids. That's my goal. I'm going to follow L's plan to prevent the future the demons and angels have for us. I, for one, want normal. We talk, we deal, and we learn to trust.”
"Deal," came the raspy answer.
Dean held out a bandaged left hand to shake. When his brother put his hand into his, the hunter pulled him into a hug, which hurt him like hell, but he didn't care. He had his brother back, different, but better.
Sam hugged him back, tears shaking his body. It felt so good to have this again. He wanted Dean's trust and would do anything and everything he could to get it and keep it!
No comments:
Post a Comment