Sam deals with Dean
"I can have Watari in the room to help. I know you will not want the trio."
“No! No kids! Where are we doing this?”
L nodded, leading him into the building and asking Watari to have Sam meet them up at the top floor.
“We've never been up there. What's on the top floor?”
"You have been there actually. It is where we work the cases. You were there to help Matt with the database."
“Where you have all the video go to and study? This is going to be video right?”
L nodded silently.
Dean nodded quietly, as they entered the room, but jumped badly when Watari and Sam entered. The older Winchester froze, staring at his brother, with panic in his eyes. His face was blotchy from tears, and he was shaking. But, he stood still, and waited...not sure what was going to happen when,and how.
Sam looked at his brother, heading to his side. "Dean?"
Dean turned and stared up into his younger brother's eyes, and he broke. “It's not my fault, Sam. I swear, it's not my fault. Oh, god, please.”
He was confused but hugged his brother close.
“L says it's not my fault. I'm not a … a. I can't, L. I wanted to tell him I'm not but I can't”
His grip tightened as he looked at L, who simply pointed at a screen and began playing back the conversation.
“ Where are we headed today?”
"I want to take the time and let you review what you've confronted so far and how you feel you're coming, what you think needs more work."
“I've dealt with my Mom's death, having no childhood, Sam not liking me being both parents when he wanted a brother, Ruby, and Sam's powers to a point. My life, what little I had of it, when raising Sam, until he went off to Stanford, is something I'm not sure I can deal with totally, L. There are things I've told no one. It can't come out. Dad found out. He sent Sam off to Bobby for a while. Can't talk about it, because I'd have to tell Sam. There's stuff I haven't really dealt with but it's not as serious as that time was.”
L's dark eyes looked at Dean. "Anything that is a concern to you, a problem in the past, must come out and be dealt with. This habit of hiding problems is not healthy."
“Look L, Dad nearly killed me because of it. Took Sam away. This would finish driving him away. You wouldn't want me here either....certainly not around the boys...Near. I didn't have a life, L. Not growing up. But there was hell. Okay?”
"I know the type of man you are, Dean Winchester. So do not hide it..at least from me and yourself."
You're gonna turn around and tell me I have to tell Sam. He's got to know. Or make me feel guilty enough to do it on my own.”
"That will all be your decision but you must tell someone."
Sam frowned, watching the screen with a sinking feeling in his stomach. his hold on Dean never loosened.
Dean stood frozen watching his confession, a sense of horror coming over him. Sam and Watari were going to know. Sam was going to feel guilty, and he was going to have to be strong for him. He was digging inside himself looking for a strength he didn't think he'd find.
Dean was shaking very hard. His voice started trembling as he started to talk. “I was around 15-16 years old. Had a lot of girls and women trying to catch my notice. Dad said more and more that I was too pretty to be a boy. I looked too much like my mom. I thought he was nuts again. “
“He started staying gone longer and longer Winter was coming on. We were in school. He'd left all the information and stuff so I could get us enrolled. He was only supposed to be gone two weeks. When week five hit, I needed money real bad. The motel was ready to evict us. Sam needed a coat. There was the materials he needed for a Science fair. He needed twenty for a field trip. We had some dry cereal and nothing else to eat in the place. I fed Sam and headed down to the local pool hall and bar. I can really play pool . I never lose.”
“I was surprised they let me in. I had a fake id saying I was 21. They let me in with that. I started playing at 8 and at midnight, I knew I had to get back to Sam. Dad would be furious, but we needed the money. I cleared fifteen hundred dollars. I started walking back to the motel, and these guys jumped me. They forced me behind some cars.”
Dean got up and walked off, sobs wrenching his body, making retching sounds.
L waited until he returned, handing him a water bottle to help calm his stomach down.
Dean drank the water slowly, saying nothing. Finally, “I thought they wanted the money back. They didn't. Just said playing pool was too easy, and I had to earn it. Damn it, L! I can't do this.”
"Yes, you can. You need to share this with someone, and I will not judge."
Sam was shaking now too, listening and watching..he couldn't not watch. Oh god...Dean had done this to keep them safe? To keep him fed? Where the hell had their dad been?
Dean still stood frozen. He knew deep inside that he should run, but his legs would give out if he moved. He could feel Sam's grip tightening, and the panic grew greater.
“Sammy?”
"H...how bad?"
The smaller man lifted panicked, red-rimmed eyes towards his brother. “What?”
"How bad did they hurt you?"
L's voice was soft. "Continue watching."
“They forced me to my knees. One guy stood behind me and held me. The first one, he unzipped himself. The guy behind me stuck his thumbs into the corners of my mouth and forced it open. They all five..they...made me take them...swallow it.”
Dean drank some more water. “They said to come back the next week same time and play pool. If I didn't, they knew about Sam. I couldn't call for help. What could I tell Pastor Jim or Bobby? I kept going back, doing what they wanted. That's when Dad came home one evening. I wasn't there. But it was different that night. It was worse.”
He swallowed hard, shaking even more.
Dean could feel his brother shaking, and had no idea what to do. He bowed his head, realizing he'd brought Sam to this, repeating I am not a whore, it's not my fault, I am worthy over and over like a mantra, terror in his heart.
“We didn't play pool. I got there at eight. One of them grabbed me and they took me upstairs. Dad came an hour later. The bartender panicked when he him told who he was and how old I was. Said I was upstairs.”
“Please,” Dean sobbed.
L nodded. "You know that you really did have no choice in some ways. Bobby and this Pastor Jim were too far away. Your father is the one responsible for it. He had no excuse for these absences."
“They were vicious, L. I was bleeding. They'd beaten me, raped, and they were putting $100 bills on the bed when Dad walked in. He called me a f'ing whore, grabbed my stuff and walked out. He left me there!”
His eyes narrowed. "You are aware that you are nothing of the sort?"
“I used the money, L. But it was for Sam. I was Mom and Dad to him. Had to protect him, provide for him....oh god!”
“I wrapped myself in a blanket and walked barefooted back to the motel. It was so cold. They were gone. Dad had packed up Sam and took him to Bobby's. I didn't know that. I almost killed myself that night, but I couldn't leave Sam like that.”
His knees nearly buckled. Was that why he'd been dropped off at Bobby's? Their father had said nothing..simply leaving him on the doorstep in a rage.
Dean wasn't even looking any more. His head bowed, his body almost limp.
Sam held him close, not letting go as the video continued.
“They'd beaten me and all the other stuff. I stayed in that motel room for a week til Dad came back. I was still huddled on a bed in that blanket. He nearly killed me, he beat me so bad. He used the scrub brush in the kitchen and washed my mouth with it and dish soap. Did the same thing elsewhere with that damn brush and soap. I started bleeding again, and he kept telling me I was worthless and he couldn't trust me. That's when Sam started training.”
“Now you tell me how do I tell Sam that story, and that it's my fault he became a hunter.”
“He told me he didn't want me as mom and dad and never did. I had that happen because I was.”
L leaned forward. "First of all, Samuel would have been a hunter regardless of what happened. This was simply an excuse for him to do it."
"He's right," Sam said hoarsely.
Dean was shaking horribly by that point, his face white. “He told me over and over to have Sam's back because I put him there.
"He lied. He put him there, not you. From the moment he stepped onto the path of vengeance and hunting, your father was determined to bring you two along with him."
“I started sleeping with any woman who even smiled at me. I think to hide the pain, but trying to prove I'm not like that. Dad didn't care. I was whore. I told him I wasn't getting paid by these women. They liked me. He just laughed. He told me as long as I stayed with him and hunted no one would be told. Pastor Jim, Bobby, and, oh god, Sammy, wouldn't know. He hated me. He hated me.” Dean started sobbing, repeating the phrase over and over.
"Dean, your father hated himself and everyone around him because he could not deal with the loss of his wife. His inability to cope affected you and Samuel. You are not to blame. Do you understand?"
“I told you what I did, L. I should have gotten Sammy out of there. I shouldn't have cared what Pastor Jim or Bobby thought. Then I wouldn't have been a whore. But, I didn't. I stayed, I did it, I used the money for Sammy.”
"You were raised to be your father's soldier. He told you to stay put, so you stayed. That type of loyalty is commendable, if a bit foolish because it can be misused as it was."
“I had this neatly buried away, L, now what the hell do I do with it?” Dean jumped up as best he could and started running down the path, and disappeared into some trees.”
L went strolling after him, catching up a short time later. "You did not have this buried neatly away. This is affecting you every moment of the day. It is why you approached it today. You could no longer deal with it."
Dean was sitting against a tree in the underbrush, wrapped into as much of a ball as sitting with his bandaged side would allow.
“Nothing can change what it is, L. I'm dirty. I always will be. I can't clean it away. I'll never be able to keep a serious relationship without trying to destroy it. I'm not worth one.”
Another swallow in a throat that was too tight.
"This is why you need to face it. You defeat yourself at every turn because you let that man beat you. The man who should have protected you and did not."
“How do I face it? I let him beat me? How did I let him beat me?”
"You believe his words in regards to being dirty and a whore when you were not. He put you in a dangerous position and instead of being a father about it, he retreated and lashed out because he didn't know what to do."
“But he's my Dad! I'm supposed to believe what he said. I trusted him! How did I let him beat me? I was supposed to trust him.”
"Because you let these horrible words sink in and believed them as truth...when you reached adulthood, you should have realized he was wrong. However, you're not fully at fault because you were so indoctrinated. The question remains..will you continue to let him win?"
“H..h..how do I ssstop him?”
He crouched in front of him. "You have to affirm to yourself daily that you are not a whore, that none of it was your fault, and that you are a worthy person."
“Affirm it? To myself? So, when someone looks at me in ways they shouldn't, it's not my fault. It's not. Okay. It's not.”
"This is a long process, Dean, but it will take root. You have to be determined on this."
“Okay. I'm not a whore. It's not my fault. I am worthy.”
L nodded. "You keep this up..remember this is his fault If there is an afterlife, he has much to atone for. If it's reincarnation, he is in deep trouble."
“I'm not a whore. Okay. I'm not. It's not my fault. Are we through, L?”
The video stopped there and Sam's knees nearly buckled. There was a mix of thoughts and emotions running through his mind.
When Dean felt him let go and fall, he thought the worst. Falling down by his brother, he reached out his one good hand and pawed him, almost patting him. “I'm sorry, Sam. I'm so damn sorry. Please, Sam. I'm not a whore. Please.”
He looked up at his brother. "You are my hero, Dean, you always have been and always will be. I...I hate him for doing that to you."
Dean looked confused. “Hero? How can I be that? Look at me, Sam. I'm no hero. I'm struggling to just believe it's not my fault and I'm no whore.”
He shook his head. "You are..to me..you are."
“I'm so dirty, Sam. Even Dad couldn't clean it away.”
"Only you can feel clean, Dean..but I know you're not dirty."
“I'm not dirty? I'm not a whore? It's not my fault. I am worthy. You don't hate me?”
"You're my big brother, man. I love you."
“You're not ashamed to have me for a big brother?”
"Never," he swore.
Sam watched his brother bury his head into his good arm on the floor and cry like a baby, finally letting go.
He hugged him close as he could, rocking and letting him vent. Sam was pissed at his father for hurting Dean like this..for putting them in a position where Dean had to risk himself.
His brother, ever the big brother, felt his tension. As hard as he was crying, he whispered through the sobs, “Don't let it get you angry, Sammy. Remember our promises to each other. No mom and dad, no getting pissed.”
"He hurt you..his f*ing job was to take care of you...and he hurt you...oh god, Dean...I wish I could wring his damn neck right now."
“If he was here right now, Sam, what good would it do you, or me. It would bring it out in the open even more. We'd both feel guilty if you killed him. We'd be going to jail if you did, and then everyone knows what happened, Sam. All I care about is you don't hate me. I was so afraid you would. Here I was screwing up majorly by playing mom and dad.It's not worth letting anger control you. He's dead, Sam. He has to pay for what he did. We shouldn't have to but that's what I've been doing. Please, Sam. I got to let go of this cause it's killing me and it's killing us. I never thought that it would explain why I do what I do, but it does. Big time. I really believed what he said, Sam. I'm having to make myself think otherwise. Help me, Sam. Please. No anger.”
"I'm trying," he whispered. "I won't let you down."
“I need help, Sam. I'm wanting a drink...lots of them. Don't know if it's just trying to cope, or if I have a real problem. I mentioned it to L earlier. I can't cope right now. Help me somehow. Don't know what to do.”
"You know what I'm looking forward to?"
“What, Sammy?”
"Getting those diplomas..leaving this crappy life he planned for us behind..and knowing we did it together..without him..no more Winchester curse...that we've healed and moved on."
“I don't want to do this anymore, Sam. I want to end it. Damn it, Cas, come heal me so I can end it. I don't mind the idea of doing an occasional hunt for somebody, or helping L out, but I don't want to live in cheap motels, living on junk food, no good rest, running from the law. I want to live in west Texas, and be normal.”
L answered. "Not until I know you're more stable but I am pleased with your progress."
Sam looked at his brother. "We can do this."
“Yeah, we can do this.”
Dean was shaking, he looked up at Watari in a panic. He mouthed the words 'help me.'
Watari nodded, moving towards him. "Dean, you need to get your other bandages changed. Let me take care of that."
Dean was shaking so bad he could barely stand, he knew that he'd mentioned this need to both L and Sam, and he knew both had tried to get his mind off it, but Watari, bless him, was getting him out of the situation in some way.
He guided him towards the bedroom, sitting him down. "What do you need me to do?"
“Sam questioned about my drinking and if I was having any problems. Til I faced this, I haven't. Damn it, Watari, I need a drink so bad I am going crazy. I can't stop shaking. What's going on? Why would this one thing bring it on?What do I do?”
"Emotional agitation can do this. You faced a major milestone today. Can you hold on a moment, I may have something to help you."
“If it was addiction to alcohol, wouldn't I already be having problems? It's just what happened today then?”
"I believe so. We'll have to watch you and see. Sit tight, I'll be right back."
“Yes, Sir.” Dean tried to take deep breaths to calm down the urge. “Oh, please, not now.”
Watari disappeared and came back a short while later, handing Dean a cup of tea. "Try this first. If not, we'll have to go with something stronger."
Untypical of his interaction with Watari, Dean didn't ask what the tea was. He started to slowly drink it, continuing to take deep breaths between sips of the tea. He'd start shaking and put the cup down, struggle to stop, and drink more. He even began inhaling the steam rising from the mug. Slowly, he began to calm, the urge beginning to wane. A few tears slid down his face as he drank the tea, it's calming influence releasing the remainder of what he had been dealing with earlier. He sighed deeply, grateful.
“I feel so tired, Watari. I know it's got to be close to lunch time. Can I eat later? If Sam wants to visit, he can stay. I'm going to try to get into that bed and rest a bit. If that's all right.”
"With your permission, I'll keep the cameras on so I can bring you a late lunch after your nap. It's either this or someone stays with you in case something happens."
“Either way is fine. If Sam wants to stay, don't need them. If he'd rather talk with both of you about this, then the cameras are a good idea.” He managed to throw himself backwards onto the bed, with a shocked Watari watching him. He was asleep in seconds.
In the end, Watari had to use the cameras as Sam who was deep in a conversation with L, needed to talk about the discovery made today.
Five o'clock came around and Dean was still asleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment