Hell, the Past, and John Winchester
It was quiet in the building, and the lone man headed for the exit, but changed his mind. L might lock the place up tighter then a drum and he could get stuck out there unless someone was monitoring the cameras. He turned and headed for the elevators and the indoor gardens. Dean walked the gardens for a while, longing for a breeze, but grateful for what he did have. The solitude was nice. He thought back over what Sam had said. He did not want to discuss what had happened in what was forty years for him. He shook his head, facing the dilemma. L was going to ask. What could he do?
Time passed before the detective's voice broke the silence. "Dean has been pacing around for over an hour when he should be resting. What troubles you?"
The hunter jumped a foot, thinking he'd been alone. He had not seen the detective anywhere.
“Cameras? Or have you been here this whole time, and I'm losing my touch?”
"Cameras."
Dean nodded, then looked into the dark eyes. There was no escaping this. “I'm working on a dilemma.” He hoped that would serve, but doubted it. L was a detective. He'd dig.
"And it is obviously one that is wearing you down a great deal."
“Yeah, it has for a while.”
L nodded, gesturing at the chairs. "I believe Dean should discuss this as it is proving to be detrimental to his rest and health."
“L, aren't there some things that are just better off left alone?”
"Does this issue affect how you think, perceive yourself, your sleep?"
“You been talking to Sam about me?” Dean thought he's too damn good. I either tell him the truth and go through more that I can't handle, or lie and feel even worse. If I lie, he'll know. Dean stared straight into the dark eyes. He sighed. Yeah, he'll know.
"No, just going off of my observations of you."
Dean gave up. “Yeah, it affects all those things and whole lot more. Sam could probably do a better job of telling you, unless you intend to dig and know a whole lot more then I've told anyone.”
"It is not Sam's place to tell me," he answered. "That would be a breech of trust between the pair of you."
“I'd give him permission on this one.” Dean looked up into the detective's eyes again. “Where do you want to start?”
"The beginning is usually the logical choice."
“Which beginning? Where Sam died or where Lilith let the hell hounds in and they ripped me to pieces. They both lead to the same place.”
He tilted his head. "Samuel's death."
Dean bowed his head, remembering that time. “Sam got kidnapped along with the other special children. Azazel pit them against each other in a contest. Sam said Andy died. It ended up Jake against Sam. Sam was beat up pretty bad when I got there. Jake was incredibly strong and a soldier. Sam and I saw each other and he was trying to get to me, when Jake stabbed him in the back and Sam went down. Jake ran. I got to Sam and he was in my arms, and he died.”
L nodded, listening quietly.
“The typical hunter burial is to take the body somewhere rural, and build a pyre and burn it. Bobby came by and said we need to take care of him. It had been a while, and I wouldn't. I couldn't. I felt that I hadn't done what Dad told me to do...take care of him. I'd let him down. I let both of them down. I didn't know what to do. We'd had a case about a crossroads demon who made deals with people for ten years of fame.They went to hell afterward. Hell hounds hunted them down. I made a deal for Sam, but they would only give me one year. I went back and Sam was alive.”
Another nod was given, encouraging him to continue.
"I didn't tell Sam. Bobby had a fit when he found out what I'd done. Wanted to know how long I had."
We went after Azazel. There was a nasty battle and a lot of demons got out. Jake let them loose. He saw Sam and said I know I killed you. Sam began to think. Never a good thing when I've done something like this."
The detective frowned but gestured for him to go on.
“Jake was dead, and Sam, Bobby, Ellen, and I went after Azazel. I got to kill him with the colt. Sam figured it out.The conversation wasn't a good one. He was furious that I would make him feel guilty like that. Dad had done it to me. It wasn't exactly for the same reasons, but the reactions were no different. I didn't think that far. It was Sam, and I couldn't let him down.”
He hadn't expected this so far but said nothing.
“The next year, Sam tried everything he could come up with to save me, and I wouldn't help him. I was told that if I did, Sam would die. He thought I didn't give a damn. I did but I couldn't tell him. It wasn't til near the end, that I broke down and told him I didn't wanna die. We knew then that Lilith held my contract. Ruby, in a different body, was helping us. I wasn't sure about her.”
"Wise," he murmured.
“We ended up in this building being hunted by the hell hounds. My time was up and Sam was devastated because he couldn't save me. I all but destroyed him with this. Ruby, Sam, and I had locked ourselves in a room, and it was salted. That's when we found out that Lilith had captured Ruby and put her back in hell. She forced Sam into a wall and he was stuck there. She opened the doors and let the dogs in. I found out ages later that she couldn't hurt Sam and fear of that made her leave the body and escape. By then, I was dead and in hell. I hope never to experience that again.”
"You being in hell was one of their attempts to break the first seal?"
“Yeah, I found out they tried on my dad, but he didn't break. He wouldn't, would he. A month is like 10 years in hell. I was there 4 months. Dad, on hell time, took it for over 100 years. 30 is all I could handle. You've no idea. Alistair was good at what he did.”
"I have ideas, Dean. There is a very good reason why Ruby decided to talk. However, that's not important here. You're carrying a lot of guilt, am I right?"
“Yeah.”
"This leads back again to your father. You are Dean Winchester..not John. You did not have the training to withstand such a thing and the man brainwashed you into believing that your brother's life holds more value than your own."
“I couldn't deal with Alistair cutting me to pieces every day. Then I'd be whole again, and he'd do it all over, trying new things. He found out about the other thing. He'd start touching, and prodding. He told me every day if I'd come down off that rack and do what he was doing, he'd stop torturing me. After 30 years, I did. I tortured people, cutting them up, slicing and dicing them. L, I liked it. That's what I can't deal with. I liked it. I'd do it again. That's sick. That's evil. That can't be forgiven.”
"There is a deep part of all humans that enjoys pain...either giving or receiving. It does not make you evil or sick. Are you familiar with the Marquis de Sade?"
“Yeah, and he was one sick puppy. I'm no better. Sam says I have to forgive and learn to love myself. I can't love that. Don't know how to forgive it.”
L held up a hand. "You did not hear me. All humans have the ability to either receive or give pain and enjoy it. This does not make you sick. The Marquis did go a bit overboard, but he taught people to understand that it is not evil as long as things are controlled. You simply need to understand that you reacted as a human would under such strain."
“My dad didn't,” Dean sobbed in anger.
"Who are you?"
“I'm Dean Winchester, trained by John Winchester to be a soldier...to be the best.”
"No."
“No? What do you mean, no? I've spent my entire life being that. It's all I know. I failed at it.”
"You are Dean Winchester..trained to be a hunter. If you were given the full training to be a soldier, you would not have broken. Your father is a Marine. Are you aware of what the training was like in boot camp at that time period? Inhumane. It desensitizes you. Your training was rough, Dean, but not to the point that was allowed back then in basic. He trained a hunter, not a soldier.That is the key difference."
“I'm not a soldier? What am I? I'm a hunter, who screwed up everything. I did what I was told, and everything I touched got f'ed up. I couldn't save Sam, so I made a deal and it's still sending backlashes out. Look at Sam!”
"Your brother is not a good example. Humans make mistakes. You were brainwashed into thinking your life was less than your brother's. That is not fact. Your life has as much value as Sam's."
“The lives I've managed to save have value. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not a whore, it's not my fault, and I'm not worthless. I am a failure. I can't find one reason to find value in my life. Even in death I screwed up. We're doing all these demon battles because of me.”
His voice was sharp. "You are being foolish in saying this. You did not screw up. Your father did!"
“He didn't spill blood in hell! I did!”
"Come with me," came the short response as he rose.
Dean rose and followed the detective.
L led him to his computer and he pulled up a file. A few moments later, videos of the old school Marine training came up and he had Dean watch it, trying to explain soldier versus hunter.
The young man watched, trying to figure out what L was trying to tell him.
"This is what a soldier went through when your father was in the Marines. Soldiers that didn't feel, focused solely on their tasks.They were inhuman. Do you know why your father didn't break, Dean?"
Dean shook his head, stuttering out the word, “No.”
"Your father lost a large chunk of his humanity during his stint in the Marines. He was not a righteous man. He lost himself and whatever was thrown at him did not phase him because he was barely human. You, Dean, are a hunter. You care and because of that, you are human. Humans make mistakes, no matter how well they're trained. You follow your heart. Your father is a failure because he tried to turn you into a machine but could not. And for that, I am glad."
“You're saying I'm not like him and it's a good thing. Caring makes me righteous? I didn't care in hell. I liked it. But, I don't now. Is that what you're trying to get at? Being caught up in it doesn't mean I am that? This is so confusing. I'm gonna have to think on this.”
L leaned back in his seat. "Do you believe Sam is evil now that he has recognized his addiction and the bad habits? Do you believe he was evil then?"
“Of course I don't, but it's not the same thing. He used his powers to kill demons without hurting the host. I was torturing souls in hell and I liked it. I enjoyed it.
"According to religious tenets, those in hell are there because they did something..reasons different from yours. So, one could argue that you were working on bad people. If he can kill demons, why can you not have been stuck in the moment and tortured souls that were there because they were 'bad?' Why the difference, Dean?"
L was watching the confusion his words were causing in the hunter. “I...L, I enjoyed it. What 'Righteous Man' would enjoy doing that? Tell me that. Cause I'm not sure what the hell is right or wrong anymore. My mind tells me it's bad, but you're sending mixed messages here. How can it be all right?”
"I am not sending mixed messages. Even good people make mistakes. You hold yourself to too high a standard at times. You hurt yourself if you don't meet it."
“You're saying that what I did was just a mistake? “
"Is it not? You were pushed to your breaking point..a point every person has who has not broken before."
“And what was my mistake, L? Breaking?”
"Putting too many unrealistic demands on yourself, Dean. You are human. You broke..anyone would have that did not have the desensitizing training your father had. You are a normal person, a human being. But you put too many demands on yourself, setting your standards too high, and then wonder at the stress and emotional pain you have when you cannot reach those goals. Dean, what is a realistic personal goal in regards to what you do as a hunter?"
“Realistic? To save as many people as I can, killing as many evil things while doing it, and staying alive in the process.”
"So why is that not a good goal to maintain? You act as if there is more you believe you should be doing."
“I caused the crap that's happening. It's my job to stop it. Most of the world doesn't even know it's happening. I can't let the world be destroyed.”
He held up a slender hand. "Incorrect. You did not cause the 'crap' that is happening. From what I can tell, the angels knew this would happen and set their 'soldiers' for a rescue too late. They caused this, not you."
“You're saying they knew and could have prevented it?”
"Indeed. From what I have gathered in information, the angels want this as badly as the demons. Why do you think so many seals have broken? The 'heavenly host' is being mismanaged. Hence, we are dealing with the last seal as soon as you are healed enough and we have the Colt. I have Bobby heading the researchers now on this Crowley character."
Dean stood with his back to the detective, thinking that taking out Lilith might help,but would it really? He wanted so badly to be well. Why did so much have to come against him like this? He didn't really know how to let go. He only knew he was tired, and how little he would be missed if he did something right now. He knew it was weak moment and he wouldn't do anything about it, but sometimes the wish was there.
“If Lilith is destroyed before she can gain access to where Lucifer's seal is, there is no other way to start the Apocalypse."
The hunter's voice was soft, as he whispered,”Not that I know of.”
"Your angelic friend can confirm it. We are also researching to ensure it as well."
Dean was quiet as he listened to the detective. He knew in his mind that the detective was right. Getting that knowledge past the numbness to his spirit was more difficult and he was struggling to make sense of the truth he'd been told.
"Dean...it will take time to understand and accept what you've learned tonight. You are a good man. If you were not, do you think I would have allowed you near the trio?"
The hunter's head jerked up at the mention of the three boys. Near might be his favorite, but he cared deeply about all three of them. Somehow, despite all of his best intentions, they'd all three wormed their way into his heart. He cared, and it frightened him. Once again, hazel eyes met dark ones. “Yeah, I know that.”
"Then you need to start accepting what you are told."
“L, I was raised to never trust anyone. I've lived by that, because I was always proved wrong when I did trust someone. Even Dad. The fact that I've opened up at all to Watari and you, well, that's a miracle. I don't believe in miracles. I trust you two, and those boys mean a lot to me. Give me time. I'm working on the accepting.”
"Good."
Dean yawned, “I think I'd better try to get some sleep. I think I need it. Thanks for listening, L. Thanks for trusting me, even after hearing this. It means a lot.”
"You are welcome," he answered softly. "rest now."
No comments:
Post a Comment