Monday, October 18, 2010
Supernatural Death Note Chapter 63
Authors: Lady Laran and Tisha Wyman Warnings: Bad language, violence, and some sex. Spoilers: My favorite show is Supernatural. Anyone who knows me will say I am almost obsessed, unless they happen to be Laran, who knows I am. Laran loves Death Note. We both love to write. Never in our wildest dreams did we ever think we'd be writing an alternate universe/crossover between the two. What started as a several chapter story has turned into a novel The story had a life of its own. This saga begins towards the end of season 4 and before L truly got involved with the Death Note. This is a story of healing, family,friendship, humor, and horror. We do not own either show or its characters, but I'd take Dean in a heartbeat. We make no money from them. Thank you for reading. Comments are highly appreciated.
Dean stiffened and closed his eyes. It had come. He knew it. How the hell was he going to get through this?
Near put the white kitten into his arms, wondering if that would help.
Dean looked down at the white kitten and then into Near's face. He smiled. “No, Near. This one is to help you. I have a whole bed full of them to help me, but I thank you for your kindness in sharing with me.” Dean hugged the boy and kissed his forehead. “I'll be fine.”
Sam returned from washing his hands and wondered what had happened to cause this.
"Will Dean do a puzzle with Near after Dean is done with L?"
“I can't promise, Near. It will depend on what happens. It's a session. You know how they can be for me? If I can, I will be there. Doing puzzles with you is peaceful and helpful at times. I hope I can.”
"Near would like it if Dean would join Near if Dean feels up to it afterward. If Dean does not, Near understands."
“I would like it too, Near. If I am up to it, I will be there. The garden?”
"The usual table, yes."
“I'm gonna try, but I have no idea what's gonna happen.”
Sam knew then that L had requested that they come to him for the session he'd pressed for. He'd hoped to have a nice breakfast with Dean. He doubted he'd get Dean to even eat this morning. He could see the shock on his brother's face.
Near's voice was soft. "Dean must be anxious about this, but Near hopes that Dean will eat well today since both Near and Dean missed a meal last night."
Dean felt sick to his stomach but knew he couldn't deny Near something like this. “I will eat, Near. I promise.”
Near nodded, petting the kitty. "Near will see Dean later," he said.
Dean nodded. He turned to the table where Watari had set out the trays. He looked up at his brother standing across the room. There were tears in the hunter's eyes. He tried to smile, and sat down. “We gonna eat, Sam?”
"We are. You've got a great kid there, Dean."
“Yeah, I do. He's one of a kind.”
Dean opened the tray and saw poached eggs, pan sausage, grits, and wheat biscuits. There was a bowl of fresh fruit, and a cup of tea. He prepared to eat because he'd promised Near that he would. He cut the eggs and sausage, and took a bite. He looked at Sam as he ate, trying to find a conversation that did not involve sessions with his brother. This one was the one he'd been avoiding. Sam's anger issues involving him. He'd screwed him royal so many times and he didn't really have a response to his attacks. He was guilty. He knew it.
He slowly ate, talking about the day before and the practical joke. As they finished eating and were drinking their tea, Dean looked up at Sam, “L is sending Watari to bring us to him this morning. I asked and it's a session.”“
Sam nodded. "Ok..we'll get through it. And Dean, that was a sweet gesture with giving Near the toys. Though what're you gonna do with the rest of that pile?"
“I thought I'd ask L if I could take them to the nearest hospital, after checking to see how many kids are in it. If I have enough, I could give the kids one. You honestly think we can get through this?”
"Dean, I know we can. We're both stubborn as hell and want to fix things..make things right again. We just have to make sure to listen, right?"
“It requires more then listening, Sammy. It requires understanding and forgiveness, and those don't always come with listening.”
"It's a start though, right?"
“Yeah. Of course it is.”
He gave him a small smile. "Okay then. And Dean? You should keep the other white kitten in that pile."
“What would I do with a stuffed kitten, Sam?”
"It's white and cute..might make a nice memento of Near to keep with you."
Dean stood up and walked over to the pile of cats and dug out the white one. He placed it on the table by the bed. Turning, he walked to the bathroom, to clean up a little. He looked at himself n the mirror. He hadn't worn his hair this long since before he'd gone to Stanford to get Sam. The beard was actually looking good. He brushed his teeth, washed his face, and tried to brush the longer hair. Heading back into the bedroom, he looked around. “I wonder what time Watari is coming for us? That's unusual. Are they both sitting in? They did the first time we had a session.”
"No idea, we'll have to wait and see. And I'm getting you an electric razor as soon as I can."
“I like the beard.”
"I'm not crazy about it, Dean."
“Okay. I'll think about it, but my hair is not going back to the way Dad preferred. I like it longer.”
"I agree, it looks good like that. Just the beard is too much of him and not you, you know?"
“Well, I liked the beard because I liked the beard, Sam. It had nothing to do with Dad. I don't want it now.”
"I didn't mean to insult.." Damn it...
“No, you said it was too much of him. I wasn't trying to be him. It's gone as soon as I can shave again. I just liked it is all.”
Sam's shoulders slumped.
“Sam, don't. Not today. Not with what's coming. I”m trying to find me. I liked the beard, but I don't want to wear anything that will remind anyone of him, and not see me. I'm not upset.”
Watari entered the room followed by Mello and Matt. The boys took the trays, and headed out the door. Dean watched them go without a word. He turned and looked at the older man.
“You staying with us? Or is it just going to be L?”
"I will remain at L's request," he answered.
“I'm glad you're gonna be there, but is L expecting problems, Watari? The only times everyone has been involved is when I requested it or he was afraid of problems between Sam and Me. I haven't requested anything cause I didn't know we were doing this til a little while ago.” Dean looked at Sam.
“Did you know this was coming, Sam? You seemed rather calm, almost nonchalant about it a while ago when I mentioned it. You knew I didn't feel ready yet. Did you know, Sam? Did you request Watari?”
"No, I didn't but I did talk to L earlier about my worries," he answered truthfully.
“What worries, Sam?”
"There have been times in the past where things when we talk didn't go too well," he told him as they followed Watari.
“Yeah, but I thought we were doing better. Did you ask for this session to happen now? I really needed it to wait a while, Sam I wasn't ready to deal with it yet. Did you ask, knowing I was not ready?”
L's voice answered him. "I determined that the time was now, Dean, as you have been living in fear of it since we began helping you."
“L, you've always told me the truth. Did Sam come to you and want it now, instead of later?”
"He brought up to me that this was an issue that he was concerned about and that you had demonstrated some avoidance. Truthfully, Dean, I had intended to confront this issue today. It is causing havoc on your sleep cycle."
Dean stopped and stared at L, then he turned and looked at his brother. “Avoidance? I wasn't ready, Sam. Some avoidance? I've been pushed into something I'm not ready for and you didn't come to me about it, Sam? You wanted it now? Well, you got it. You know what? We aren't talking as well as I thought.“ He turned to L. “Let's go and let's get the show on the road. Right?” Dean walked past all three men and turned. “Well, what the hell are we waiting for?”
Sam flinched, not liking that at all. L shook his head, letting the group into the room.
Dean walked to a window and stood staring outside. He was shaking badly. Sam just noticed it.
L perched in his seat, stirring a cup of tea.
Dean was not looking outside like everyone thought. His eyes were closed. He was struggling with dealing right now. This one was bad. He wanted to run, but he felt trapped. He'd been snared big time. Sam? Why had Sam done this, knowing how much he'd already been through. He was still trying to convince himself he wasn''t a whore. He did not feel well, he was tired, and confusion seemed to be normal these past few days. He was still dealing with blaming himself over things. He understood the truth but making himself believe was hard sometimes. Sam seemed to be coming along faster. Why the hell not, the way things happened wasn't his fault. Dean wasn't ready to face more blame. He already blamed himself.
"Dean, you're running from this. You know it, I know it. You have to talk about this."
Dean snapped. “L, I told you this whole damn story when I talked to you about hell. Why do I have to tell it again? Because Sam didn't hear it? Hell, he lived it. I told you it was my fault. Okay. Sam, it's my fault!!! That's what you want to hear. I've known it's my fault. What the hell else do all of you want to hear? Just tell me. I'll say it, take the blame, and we can end this!!”
L shook his head. "You are avoiding again by taking the blame. You two have to communicate."
“Okay. Go ahead, Sam. Just tell everyone what an asshole I've been. I dragged you out of Stanford. You didn't get spend her last days with Jessica. I dragged you back into hunting because I didn't want to go alone. I wanted to hunt. You wanted to find Dad immediately and kill that friggin demon. Tell them, how that demon all but destroyed our family and I didn't wanted to hunt it, but every other bad thing out there. Tell them how you died, and I was a coward. I sold my soul to bring you back and I sent you through the hell of living with me not trying to do anything about it. Tell them how I died, and the guilt you felt. How you tried to exchange yourself for me. Then you tried to drink yourself to death. How you shacked up with Ruby, became addicted to demon blood because I did that to you. Tell them how Cas pulled me out of hell. I couldn't deal when I remembered. I drank, and you thought I was weak and couldn't do my job anymore. Let's forget you almost drunk yourself to death. Right? Tell them. I'll listen. I'm not avoiding a damn thing, L. Sam blames me. He always has. Tell him, Sam. You've told me. So tell him!”
Sam's voice was soft. "I don't blame you. I blame Dad..I blame myself...I blame the damned demons and angels for pulling us into some sort of plot without our consent."
“Damn it,Sam You've been telling me for four damn years that it was my fault! Why say different now?”
"Because I got help, Dean. These guys helped pull my head out of my ass and made me realize that it isn't just me that got f*ked over!"
“Yeah? I've been working on that too. I tried to ask that this one be allowed to wait because I was not all free and clear from the past like you have managed to do, Sam. It's been harder for me. I never got to break free and try something else. I've been a slave to Dad's whims my whole life. I don't know why I was even born, Sam. You can't understand that. I've had nothing but people wanting me out of their lives. You were one of them. You didn't want me, Sam. Dad only used me. Mom's family didn't want me. Cassie? God, that was a joke. Lisa? Damn, she knows I can't be there like I should, even if I think the boy's mine. I'll trade you, Sam. In a heartbeat, as long as I don't have to 'ef' the demon. Kissing one to buy you back was bad enough. The crazy damn thing is, I'd do it again... for you, Sammy. You're my brother, and Dad said to protect you. I did it the only way I knew how. So tell me what new things you're getting out of this? How the hell is it any different from when we talked in the past? Why couldn't it wait and let me finish dealing with every other piece of shit I've had to dig up so I could heal.”
"Because I don't want my brother living in fear of this. I want my brother," he emphasized the word, "to know that he is worth more than everything in the world to me. I was an immature asshole back then. I've grown up a bit, Dean, and I'll be damned if you go through life blaming yourself or thinking you're less than dirt."
“Why should what I think matter now? You've grown up. Yeah. So have I, Sam and life still sucks. I'm gonna continue trying cause I'm tired and L and Watari offered hope and a change. I'm not a college boy, Sam. I've been working hard trying to apply what they taught me and make my mind and my heart realize that I'm not what I've been raised to believe. I'm not quick at it like you are, but I've been telling myself over and over that I'm not the things Dad said I was. I just wasn't ready to deal with the things you thought on top of everything else. I knew every one of them, Sam. Everything you ever called me or accused me of, I believed. You were my brother, so of course I believed them. I don't know what to believe any more, Sammy. I don't. I can't handle this right now.” Dean slid down the wall where he'd been standing, burying his head in his left arm.
Sam knelt beside him. "You're gonna have to let me prove myself."
“That's what I'd thought we were doing, Sam. I told you things I hadn't told anyone. Some of them, I hadn't even told L or Watari....just you. I thought we were doing good, breaking down the past. Then you tell him there were times in the past when our talking didn't go well. I thought we were leaving the past, Sam. I've ripped my soul open and told things to them, you, and Bobby, I've told nobody. I don't know what the hell any of you want from me any more.”
"To stop hiding," L told him. "You were terrified of this to the point it was making you ill."
I am scared because I was not ready for more...not what Sam would say. I'd have to tell him all of what went on in hell. I couldn't before. He used what I did tell him against me. Tried to tell me I was not strong, and couldn't do my job. He really believed it. Because he believed it, I believed it. Hell, he's Sam, the college boy, you know. Dad says he's always been right about things. In the end, Dad thought Sam was the smart one. He never would tell Sam, but he was proud of him. Only thing I ever did to make him proud was to ace my first practice at age six. Right now, I don't think I could handle Sam making all those accusations again. I'm at the point where I'll just say, yeah, I did it. I'm sorry. What can I say?"
"Still, we're here and he wants to prove himself and I will let him. Can't do anything else because he's my brother and I will always put him first. It's Sammy, so yeah. I'm not hiding any more. It's my fault. What has bothered him? He can think what he wants but I know what I did. I did ruin his life so many times. He lost what he really wanted. I'm sorry, Sam. You're telling me it's not true, doesn't change what I know. I'll never kick you out of my life. I don't care what all of you think. Not being ready to face something is not hiding from it. I knew what it was. I wasn't ready to take on more yet. That's past, right?”
“Hell, I'm rambling now. Nothing new to say, you know.”
Sam's voice was sharp. "I can tell you the people who f*ked up my life. Azazel, John Winchester, and Sam Winchester. You didn't 'ef' up a damn thing, Dean."
“How can you say that, Sammy? You've told me lots times how I held you back, that you didn't need me. You left me more then once, Sam. I'm not angry any more. Just don't tell me one thing one time, and something else another, okay? I just want the truth. Just the truth.”
"That is the truth. I will swear it on everything sacred and holy. I told you all that because I was an angry kid with issues that had his head up his ass."
“I believed what you said to me, Sam. Every time someone said something like that to me, part of me died inside. I thought I was worthless. When I sold my soul to bring you back, it was the first good thing I thought I'd ever done with my life. Bobby was so pissed at me. He couldn't understand that you were so important. That's why I did it. I didn't think I was important, Sam. So I did something right. I brought you back. You got to understand where I was coming from. Please. “
"I do, Dean...I understand it, but I want the truth from you...all of it..Hell, Azazel, Dad and you. All of it."
“L, I've told everyone here why I did what I did. I'm not hiding. I'm not avoiding. I just don't understand how rehashing this is going to help Sam and me. I'd like to know but, hell, nothing can help this mess that is my life. I'm having enough trouble taking care of what we already talked about. Now he wants the truth? How can I do this too?”
L's voice was soft. "See..it is a mistake thinking that nothing can help. You can help. So can your brother and the rest of us. Both of you are hurt and angry because lies have been told."
“I'm not sure I'm worth the effort, L. I'm a major screw up. I ruin everything I touch. I spend my life hurting, and I hurt everyone else in some way or another. There's too much to deal with. I've quit drinking. There are no girls. I've got nothing to cover the pain. I thought I was doing everything better. This just shows I was wrong. Hell, I've been trying. I did everything you said to do. It didn't work, L. Not enough. Now I'm a liar? I didn't tell what happened..not all of it. Sam did know I sold my soul. I wanted that last year to be good between us. He couldn't know everything. I did tell him about Hell. There's things I don't want him to know. I told a lot of it.”
L moved to crouch in front of him, eyes piercing into Dean's. "You do not hide or cover the pain. You confront it, deal with it, and move past to allow yourself time to heal. This is what has your brother so worried. The truth from both of you will confront it. You need to do whatever is necessary to heal everything between you."
“You're worried, Sam? There's been no alcohol. The one time I got scared that there might be a problem, I went to Watari. He can tell you. Girls? There's none here. I thought when I joked about the porn magazines that you realized I was handling without hiding. I've been doing everything I can think of to confront and deal with it. Moving past is another thing. It's the only thing I've got. My past is me. I'm almost scared to completely let go of it. If I do, there's no me. I don't know for sure I'll have a future. School? Business? Family? Hell, all I know right now is they're pipe dreams unless we can change things. I want those things so damn bad I can taste them, but I don't see it happening yet. When I start throwing myself away what happens to the rest of me in the process?”
Sam's voice was firm. "Then we fight for that future. Damn it, Dean, you can't keep thinking negative. It's not healthy."
“Then show me how, Sam, cause I don't know how.”
"First, we look into the schools for car design and see about that. I'll finish up with law stuff and also branch into business too."
“Okay. I'm listening.”
We can do that while L is searching for the Colt and you're healing. We keep training these guys as well. During that time, we plan renovations on that place to suit our needs..maybe even a second place near Bobby's too. We get the schools chosen and start getting the plans in shape."
“Okay. Go on.”
"You can start writing down ideas for the cars you want to design. I can look into funding and stuff too. We also work with Watari and L, keep ourselves progressing forward health wise. We face the truth."
“All right. Sam, I am not ready to take on all of this and do it. I want to. I need you to be the leader in this. Run with it. I got a lot of shit to take care of, man. My mind is so screwed up right now and I don't want it to be. I hope you can understand that, and will step in and take it on. I want to be well enough to gank Lilith when the time comes. I need help, badly, guys. I want to be normal. I wasn't really wanting to hide or avoid anything. All I wanted to do was get one bunch of crap taken care of before I dealt with more. It's overwhelming.”
He tapped Dean's forehead. "You get this straightened out..I'll do the same on my end and start getting our plans together too."
“All right, Sam.” Dean leaned his head back into the left arm, trying to work things out in his mind. Today had been more then he could deal with but he had to, and overwhelming was too small a word to even begin to explain what had happened to him today.
"Just remember I'm here too, OK?"
He gave him a careful hug.
Dean laid his head on Sam's shoulder and leaned into the hug, that's when he broke. The tears started falling, and the sobbing wracked his body.”
Sam held him close, letting him vent. It took a while before Dean finally started to calm down. He didn't move, just let his brother hold onto to him. He thought of his mother holding him and it felt almost the same. Someone who loved him held him. It was a rare feeling.
The younger brother didn't let go, simply enjoyed the opportunity to be close to his brother. The hunter felt weak and drew strength from the powerful arms that surrounded him. He knew it was his place to be the strong one but felt such relief to let Sam take on the role for the time being. He felt that a part of himself was gone. He should be frightened, but, with Sam holding him, he knew he'd be safe until he was whole.
Sam kept holding him, feeling that Dean needed this and truth be told, he did too. His brother sniffed, and whispered, “I love you, Sammy, and I need you. I'm sorry to put this on you, but I really do need you.”
"I know, Dean, and I'm here. I love you too."
“Something's broken inside, Sam. I don't know what to do about it. Just don't let go.”
"We'll fix it, Dean," he murmured.
“Okay, Sammy. Just show me how. I don't know how.” Sam felt a lot of emotions go through him when Dean just let go and put his trust in him. Dean needed him. Who would have ever thought that would happen? He held the man even closer.
"L will help us, you know he will."
“I know, Sam, but I need you, too, more then anything.”
"And you have me, you know that."
“Sometimes, I doubt, Sam. I don't want to, but I do. Just help me. Please.”
"I will," he promised.
L and Watari both realized that Dean Winchester had finally, totally broken. Now the process of helping the hunter heal could be begin. Sam would be a pivotal part of this. For the first time, Dean wanted to rely on his brother and trust him. It wasn't an unhealthy need either. Dean wasn't trying to be everything for Sam, but needed help from Sam.
Sam didn't let go, simply rested his head on Dean's, keeping him close to offer comfort, love, and support.
Dean was terrified inside. He'd torn open his soul since he'd been here. Today, he'd faced the possible anger of Sam for all he'd done to him....for what he thought he'd done. Sam had grown past it. Now he had to. Laying himself bare today meant leaving nothing left to tell, really. He knew that. In one way, it was a release, but in the other, he was open to any attack. His covering was gone. He was afraid of that. He stayed close to Sam for protection as well as comfort and need.
The younger brother just murmured reassurances, promises he intended to keep. He would not let Dean be hurt again.
Dean held on to the reassurances and promises. He knew he needed to let his brother know he was scared. This was Sam and him. He whispered softly, “I'm scared, Sam. I got nothing to cover me any more. I'm laid bare.”
"You're not alone in this; I promise you that."
Sam felt a shudder go through his brother. He squeezed tighter, but still protecting the injuries.
They stayed like that for a while, one taking strength while the other gave it freely.
The morning waned and lunch time was coming. Watari had slipped out to tend to it. Dean never noticed the movement, his mind focused on the here and now with his brother. He could never remember this kind of experience, not even with his mother.
Sam kept him close, simply sharing what he could of himself.
L got up to go tend to some things and to let Bobby know that he might consider coming in here and help his boys, without telling him what had happened.
The older man came in, L following, crouching in front of them. "Is there room for one more in this hug?"
Sam looked up at the man who'd been more of a father to them then anyone had. He nodded. Bobby could see dried tear streaks on the younger boy's face. Dean appeared to be holding on for dear life. Bobby looked at Sam, a question in his eyes.
"You know there's always room for you, Bobby."
Bobby, knelt down, and leaned in and hugged both boys. “You all right, Sam?” he whispered.
"I'm worried about him," he answered back.
“What happened to him?”
Sam looked down at his brother. "Dean, do you want me to share with Bobby about this?" He wouldn't do anything without the other's permission.
“He's family, Sam. Don't keep things from him. You guys are all I got.”
He nodded and then quietly filled Bobby in on what was going on.
“I'm a little confused here. Dean's pride was all he had. Was breaking him til he had nothing the right thing to do? I'm not judging here, but I am asking.”
L answered that question. "His pride was keeping him from facing situations and asking for what he needed. Sometimes, a break is necessary so that the wounds can heal properly."
Bobby thought for a few minutes before responding. “Okay. I can see how that can help. Any ideas on how to put him back together?”
The detective nodded, giving an outline on teaching healthy life skills, coping measures, as well as helping the two work together as a team instead of Dean taking everything onto himself.
“Well, it sounds good, but from what Sam's telling me here, is Dean has dropped out, L. He's placed it all on Sam.”
"This will give Sam a chance to prove to Dean that he can do things without a protector..that he can be a protector as well. Once Dean heals a bit more, teamwork and trust can be worked on in greater depth."
“You really believe he wasn't learning to cope with what he'd already dealt with? I've seen some major changes in both of them. They were talking and sharing quite a bit. I know he wasn't one hundred percent but the boy's been through hell and back. It takes time to heal. I'm not accusing any one of anything here. I'm trying to understand. I'm not a shrink. Why, if he said he wasn't ready for more, was it forced out of him against his will, as far as I can see here?”
"He was living in fear of discussing certain topics, resorting to methods to hide from that. It had to be done." Sam rested a hand on Bobby's arm. "I trust him, Bobby. He knows what he's doing."
“I know, Sam. I trust him too, because both of you willingly let him do this to help you. My main question right now, does Dean?”
"Ask him, Bobby."
“Is he coherent enough? I've never seen him like this before. He looks afraid, Sam. You take care of him and let's get him healed, because Dean shouldn't be afraid.”
"Every person has a right to fear something, Bobby. Dean's been told he shouldn't and it's stressed him out because he fears but can't express it." Sam's voice was soft.
“You think? I've seen Dean fear a lot of things. Most've 'em involved you. That's since he was four years old. The thing he feared most was being alone. Your Dad is to blame for that one. He hid them, but he knew they were there. He talked to me about them once or twice. Not often. He was told never to cry. He cried. Dean's been told to never talk back. At least once, he did. He's afraid of laying himself open. The thought of someone hurting him and not being able to hide behind a shield terrifies him. Dean has fears and he knows them.”
"I know that.You know that. Dean knows that. It's time Dean has a chance to experience things without the Winchester expectations hovering over his head. I want him to have fun, Bobby. I want him to enjoy himself and trust me. That shield was destroying him."
Bobby smiled, with tears in his eyes. “You damn well should have said that first. Now I believe you really care about him, Sam. What do you need me to do?”
"Be there for us both, help us when we need it...just what you usually do, Bobby. You're our dad in everything but blood, and we need you. When Dean has healed completely, talk truth with us. He and I will face off and fess up about everything, but not til he's completely well."